When Breastfeeding Doesn’t Work

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that babies are exclusively breastfed for at least 6 months with supplementary breast milk for up to a year or more. Currently, in the United States, 77% of moms are breastfeeding their babies and about half of those 77% are breastfeeding for the recommended 6 months. That is awesome! But that leaves 23% that for one reason or another are not breastfeeding, and we don’t hear those stories very often.

I bottle feed. Gasp! In fact, I bottle fed two kids. Double Gasp! Okay, now it’s out there.

Let me start by saying what this post is not. It is NOT about breast is best. It is NOT about bottle is best. It is NOT about shaming anyone for their individual choice. It is NOT about telling you or anybody else how to raise their babes. This is just a post about what I went through and maybe it helps someone else.

Before having my girls, back when kids were a very “in the future” idea, I didn’t really think much at all about breastfeeding. I wasn’t around a lot of moms or babies so I didn’t come across the topic much. As I got older and started thinking about kids in the more near future, I had this idea (not sure how it was formed) that I was not going to breastfeed.

Then when I got pregnant with our first I was very sure that I would absolutely breastfeed. I set my goal on breastfeeding for at least a year and was comfortable with the idea of extended breastfeeding as well. Then I got consumed with all the other details surrounding being pregnant and preparing your life for a child that I didn’t think about breastfeeding again. After all, it was natural and would be easy (especially since I was planning on a natural birth right?) Mistake number one!

I had my unmedicated birth and it was amazing! I did instant skin-to-skin and little Molly latched on within the first hour. Great! I thought – we got this. From that moment on our breastfeeding relationship declined. Bad latch, followed by low supply, followed by baby blues, followed by lots of pain, followed by a hungry unhappy crying baby. After lactation consultant visits, pediatrician suggestions, lots of Mom Googling and stress… so much stress, I made the toughest decision of my life – to stop. I questioned that decision every day (many times, multiple times a day) for the better part of 6 months. This led me into a dark place of postpartum depression and very little support. It was a rough time, and I felt like I had nobody who understood and that I was being harshly judged by moms everywhere. I know I wasn’t, but it felt that way. And it was hard.

The time came to expand our family again and I got pregnant with our second baby. THIS TIME would be different I thought. This time I knew what to expect and I could plan for it. Prepare for it. Be ready for all the curve balls and set myself, and my new baby, up for breastfeeding success. My past failure had not driven me away from the idea of breastfeeding… it made me more passionate for it. So I read books, I talked over things constantly with my midwives, I met with a lactation consultant and mentally I told myself I could do this. I WOULD do this.

I had my unmedicated home water birth (I mean come on! It would definitely work this time, water birth people!) I delivered another healthy, beautiful baby girl and we started everything off on the right foot. She was latching well, I was producing lots more milk than I did the first time around, she seemed to be getting full and happy… things were great. And then the pain set in. I am talking about some serious intense shattering pain. My body was struggling with this new life latching on to me constantly. I lived in fear of accidentally grazing something with my chest, the thought of a shower and the little tiny daggers of water hitting me was terrifying, I would cringe and hold onto something to squeeze each time she latched. I am talking pain you guys. I would take birth over that pain any day of the week. I tried a nipple shield, we had the lactation consultant come out to help, I tried every nursing position known to man. Nothing helped. The pain persisted. Why?! Why was my body failing me (and my baby) yet again. I went back and forth on what I would do next. Then on a Wednesday in the wee hours of the morning as I cried in pain while attempting to feed my baby I made the tough decision for a second time, to stop breastfeeding. And there it was, the sense of failure. The feeling that I was not able to provide the most basic of needs for my baby.

But something was different this time. I was able to shake that feeling of failure because I knew that it was OK. It was OK to formula feed. It was OK to snuggle my baby close and use a bottle instead of breast. It was OK, it was all OK. And I didn’t need anybody else to tell me that this time around, I felt comfortable myself with this decision. I also knew, because I have an older child who is smart and happy and healthy and beautiful, that not breastfeeding is not the end of the world and it does not set up my child to be any less smart, or happy than the next child.

So if you are that 23% don’t feel bad. Don’t let someone else tell you or make you feel like you are less than. Understand that I see you, I know you are doing the very best for your baby. Break out that bottle with confidence and feel good about yourself as a mom. You were made to be your baby’s mother, so embrace it! It’s OK. It’s all OK.

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If you are looking for help with trying to breastfeed I encourage you to seek out a local lactation consultant or check out the local La Leche League, support is so important!