When Baby’s in the NICU, Part Two

This is the second part of a series on the NICU experience. Part one is available here.

When a friend or family member has a baby in the NICU, it feels very helpless to watch. You want to love and support the family but the hospital might be far or young kids at home might keep you from visiting. My family is surrounded by what I like to call our “village” which is the people we do life with… playgroup, neighbors, and our community group from church. Here’s a list of a few of the ways we were cared for during Kyle’s NICU stay.

Here’s my big tip: say something, don’t be silent. Also ask them, specifically, if you can do some of these things. Don’t just tell them to call you if they need anything.

1. Send support emails or texts instead of calls. Send a message immediately when you hear. Mom and Dad can read on their leisure and don’t have to answer immediately. Don’t ask if there are updates. Don’t make it sound like you think things are going to work out just fine. Just offer support and love. If you are technically savvy, ask if you can start a blog for them to update later.

2. If the family is religious, consider alerting your clergy, sending scripture, or asking if you may add the child to a prayer list for your house of worship. Another thing that was helpful to us was having a “NICU veteran” family to call and process with. They understood. Help connect a hurting family to a family who’s been there.

3. If there are older children at home, see to it that they are cared for. Our oldest went away to grandma’s house… kept Grandma less worried and gave us security knowing that Jack was happy and away from the hubbub. If that isn’t possible, the NICU family will want comfort and stability for their big kid(s).

4. We loved having a healthy lunch at the hospital. One of our dear friends coordinated food and had all 3 meals per day taken care of for us. I could give my cafeteria lunch voucher to someone else and enjoy a non-vending-machine lunch tailored to us. My husband and I forced ourselves outside to take a break and really talk about what was going on. Each evening, dinner was on our porch along with breakfast and lunch for the next day. We often had a coffee delivery and an encouraging note waiting for us when we woke up the next morning. It meant the world to us. Really took away the isolating nature of a sick baby. It also was just something to motivate us to go tackle the next day… amazing what a muffin can do!

5. Think outside the box. Cash for parking or vending machines was helpful. People were chomping at the bit to help us and we were given some incredible gifts- my playgroup collected toiletries and snacks for the other NICU families that didn’t have support systems like us.  Our hearts broke for the families from outside of Dallas. Our Children’s transport team said they had been as far as Ohio to pick up patients!

6. Think about the support team in the NICU. Our friends sent brownies to the nurses. There was a basket on my porch one morning, full of gum and mints (with notes!) to leave at the nurses’ station. Cookies for the parent waiting room. The NICU child life specialist at Children’s Medical Center (hey Renee!) was happy to take excess of anything we had. One friend sent coffee for Kyle’s one-on-one nurse!

7. We loved having things with our son’s name on them. The NICU pods are well-decorated, even themed, for the kids who have been there a long time. It felt nice to tape up a sign with his name drawn in or have an already-washed lovey for his bed. It’s the little things.

8. My friends put together a thoughtful book of notes for me to read while I was pumping, cause it sure feels like you pump all day in the NICU. I still read that sweet book.

9. See to the physical needs- lawn care or laundry. Stock their fridge with milk and fruit. Sneak in their house and do dishes or clean the bathrooms. I had a girlfriend drop off some clothes for me because I was in that weird “I just gave birth” phase and couldn’t just wear PJs all day like I’d planned.

10. If you know the NICU baby’s grandparents, care for them too. They are doubly hurting- watching their adult kids hurt, and also concerned for the baby.

11. My favorite one…. Kyle & I were not discharged together from the hospital where he was born, and instead I came home without our baby. When we arrived at our house, exhausted and petrified, our friends had covered Kyle’s empty nursery with art. The other children we know left drawings and paintings all containing Kyle’s name.  I felt wrapped in our friend’s love and it was amazing.

Do not underestimate supporting a hurting family. Don’t. You cannot over-love.

In two weeks I’ll post the last in this series, how to care for a family once the baby’s home. Leave a comment if you have other ways to care for hurting NICU families.