Every parent expecting their second baby is worried that you can’t possibly love the new addition as much as the original and every parent with multiple children will assure you, yes it is completely possible. Still, only nine months into being a mother of two- I worry.
At any given moment if you were to ask me if I liked one of my daughters more than the other, my answer may be yes.
When I’m on the couch and my five year old is yelling at me, “Don’t!!” for the 100th time that day because I was just looking at something close to her (but not actually at her) and my nine month old is just covering me in wet, slobbery, sweet kisses- yes, I do find myself liking the baby more.
At 3:00 in the morning when the baby is up for her fourth feeding of the night and I glance over at my oldest peacefully sleeping and knowing that she won’t make a peep until 10 a.m., there may be a slight feeling of preference to her at that moment.
There was a lot of sibling rivalry in my house growing up, it was so severe that even as an early adult I struggled with it greatly. One of my greatest fears in having multiple children was that I would continue on the legacy that my parents, and their parents, had created. I didn’t ever want my girls to feel resentful of each other as I had towards my brother (who was my mom’s favorite) and the anger I felt to my mother. These fears laid so heavy in my heart that I almost wouldn’t entertain the idea of a second child.
Over time, as I grew in age and in emotion, I realized that my situation was not normal. My father was mentally ill and because of him showing me preference in not only affection but parental love, my mother must have felt the need to compensate for my brother. With maturity, I realized that I wouldn’t create the same feelings of resentment I once had between my own kids.
So when I was only two weeks into my life as a mom with two girls, I found myself feeling shocked, angry with myself and most of all guilty that I was enjoying my newborn experience with my second so much more than I was at that point with my first. I panicked this meant I loved my second more, something I so desperately didn’t want my heart to feel. Instead of just realizing that second time moms are more relaxed, I assumed the worst.
Over time though, I realized it was never about loving one more than the other. It is human nature to have a fondness for someone who isn’t emotionally and physically challenging you at the time. So when my older daughter (and eventually my younger) is yelling at me that I love her more than her sister, my heart is confident that no, I love them equally and just as fiercely– I may just like one of them more at the moment.
This is exactly why I only have one child. I have seen the negative consequences of parental favoritism in my own life and so many others that I refuse to take the gamble. Of course you love them equally but your children will be very aware of who you may “like” more than the other at any given moment and it will affect them.
I totally, 100% understand where you are coming from because I had those own fears myself. I do think there is a difference between liking one kid in a moment (or even in a short period of time) vs showing favoritism, with the latter causing the emotional damage. I would say that I experienced the extreme swing of the pendulum of favoritism with my father and while I struggled with it, a lot, I very much believe that it has made me a better mother because I absolutely refuse to duplicate that behavior.
Of course-I’m currently in the “easy” period of life with two littles. Ask me how I feel when I have two teenage girls in my house!