I let my first child “cry it out”. I’m guilty.
We waited the recommended 4-6 months before ever letting a cry go unanswered, and then we implemented sleep training. He was already sleeping through the night, he just still needed to nurse to fall asleep initially. We did our nighttime routine, left him awake in the crib, walked out for 2 minutes to hear ear piercing screaming, came back in and soothed him (although we did pick him up and calm him down, otherwise it was pointless), and repeated at increasing intervals. It took an hour the first night. And after 3 night of this, he successfully taught him self how to soothe himself to sleep. I felt conflicted about this method the first time I read about it. Every night I was in tears, and I didn’t feel any amazing sense of accomplishment once it worked.
When I found out I was pregnant with my second, one of the first things I started questioning was if I would do the “cry it out” method again. Recently there have been many studies and new findings suggesting that this method is much more harmful than helpful for a child. Articles like this and this (and plenty more) claim the traumatic crying for such a young baby can kill brain cells, thus resulting in several problems later in life such as ADHD, antisocial behavior, and lower IQ.
I’m not saying I agree with these articles. I’m not saying I agree with the “cry it out” method. I’m trying to figure out where I stand, although I’m thinking I’m leaning more towards finding a different method for this next baby. I have been questioning ever since I had my first baby if it is really that terrible to rock, nurser, or sing an infant to sleep every night. Somehow our society teaches us it is. Why should we lose sleep just because these babies of ours need things like comfort?
What do you believe about sleep training and crying it out? Is it really as harmful at it seems or is it beneficial to teach our children good sleep habits? Where do you stand?
Good stuff. We didn’t let Weston ‘cry it out’ until he was nearly 9 months old. I made an appointment with his pediatrician to discuss sleep routines and what was healthy and best and he suggested sitting next to his crib, not speaking, head down and then inch our way to the door a little at a time. This took days and lots of tears and it was hard but our doctor said that by around 13 months their sleep patterns are formed and it really is necessary for them to learn to soothe themselves to sleep. He said any earlier than 8 months is not suggested by him. He said it is innate in us to hold them close and sleep with us because it was necessary 100’s of years ago to protect them from the “wolves”. He said with our society’s evolution that is no longer needed but we are wired to hold them near and ultimately he told us that we need to do what we feel good about. By 9 months we felt pretty good about letting him cry a little to get to sleep and we’re glad we did because he is a great sleeper at nap and bed time unless of course he is ill. Good thoughts Lauren!
Great read, Lauren! We did do cry it out with both of mine. My first one was so hard to listen to. My husband actually had to go into the garage until he fell asleep because it was so hard on us. Fortunately, it only took about three days and each day got better. I had to do it for my sanity’s sake. Since then, they have BOTH been great sleepers and have no problems soothing themselves to sleep.
My pediatrician always said it doesn’t hurt babies to cry, but this new research kind of concerns me. I guess I will have to look in to it more.
Neither of my kids slept through the night until they were 10 months old. With both, at some point I got tired of never sleeping and tried CIO briefly, but neither of them actually ever stopped crying (well, one wasn’t even crying, he was singing… I never could figure out how to get him to “sing it out”?). We would just be up for 2-3 hours every few hours doing the “interval comforting” thing. So we went back to just getting up and gave up on sleep training. Eventually they increased their sleep by themselves. Some kids just don’t “learn” that way and it can be upsetting to the parents too. Other kids seem to just learn right away and have no trouble, like Kyler. It’s probably like anything else, dependent on the child’s personality and the parents’ preference!
Lauren, I have recently read articles like the ones you posted as well.
We let our first baby cry it out when he was 8 months old because that was what we thought we “should” do… we needed our sleep, right? I didn’t rock him, I didn’t nurse him to sleep, and something in my gut questioned, “why?” why am I doing this when what I REALLY want to do is rock and run to my baby when he’s crying”…. we didn’t do this with our second, I told myself and my husband I didn’t want to miss that time and those moments with our second. HE sleeps just fine now (at 2 yrs) wakes up one time if that radomly. He is very effectionate and I don’t regret one min. of how I chose to do things differently! I cherish those memories and moments with him! Thatnks for sharing your thoughts!
That’s encouraging to hear Emily. I think I’m gonna go with my instincts to nurture and soothe this next little baby to sleep.
For me personally, I don’t believe in the “cry it out” method. Yes there are nights when I would give just about anything for my sweet daughter to fall asleep on her own because I’m so exhausted myself, but in the end, I’m more than happy to nurse and rock her to sleep. It took my husband and I 7 years of fertility treatments before I finally got pregnant with her, so I want tobe sure that I enjoy every opportunity I get to snuggle and cuddle and comfort her. Of course, this is what works for me. I don’t knowif I believe the “cry it out” method causes problems later on for the child, but I know it kills me to let my sweet little girl cry it out.
Thanks for sharing Patricia. I’m sure those 7 years make all those sleepless nights so much more precious. A great reminder that the early years are short and go by fast.
One of my biggest gripes with sleep training (especially Baby Wise) is that they are written by men who do not have the maternal instinct that women have when it comes to nurturing a child. I think God gave us that instinct for a reason. Men can hear the cries and screams and feel no guilt about letting it go…”he’ll be fine…” — But, God didn’t make us that way!
We tried by the book to do Baby Wise’s sleep training with our first. It is one of my biggest regrets in life. He cried, screamed, and was generally unhappy every time he went to sleep. Sure, eventually he “submitted” and would go to sleep and was on a nice schedule, etc…But, during the first few months we tried it he would get so frustrated he started head banging in his crib. We later learned that this is fairly common for some babies that are sleep trained. He slept 12 hours straight at 6 months.
We didn’t do it with our 2nd baby…I would nurse her to sleep and lay her in her bed and she would sleep soundly…without making a peep most nights. I loved this experience with her – I was so much happier and less stressed and so was she. She slept 12 hours straight at 5 months.
The only crying it out we do now is when it is clearly a “I don’t want to go to sleep now” – cry — and I don’t think most babies are capable of that until they are older (around 9 months). Although I do think sometimes an overstimulated and “awake too long” infant needs to cry for a couple minutes to get settled sometimes – I think God gave us the instincts to tell the difference between the “fuss to get comfortable” cry and the “I need you mommy” cry. 🙂
Caroline still wakes up in the middle of the night…maybe we should let her cry…
Haha I think that window of opportunity is gone. But hey, she might be smarter and better off because of it (according to the articles).
We struggle with this almost every night with our 10 month old. He slept beautifully (about 10 uninterrupted hours) from 7 weeks until about 5 months of age, but once he outgrew his swaddle blankets and began to roll over, it was a whole new ballgame. When he woke up, he’d cry and cry unless I nursed him. That usually just took a few minutes, so it was a much easier short-term solution. However, some nights, he’d wake up 9-10 times!
At our pediatrician’s advice, we tried to let him cry it out (with lots of checking in, sometimes picking up) a few times, but nothing has really worked.
We have gotten to the point where I no longer nurse him through the night and no longer nurse him as the last thing before he drifts off to sleep, instead doing his last feeding before his bath and bedtime story. We are still up to rock him back to sleep 1-2 times through the night most nights. It feels like progress, but I wonder if we are creating a poor sleeper who will not be able to soothe himself. . .
That is exactly what I wonder too! Our pediatrician also recommends CIO so they have the life long skill of sleep, but I just can’t help wonder if it’s worth the trauma it causes. So many hard decisions!
The rest of the world are and have been providing their babies/toddlers with opportunities for learning to self-soothe without the CIO method. My American pediatrician also told us to implement the CIO, and then when visiting our family in Germany, we were told to never do the CIO…. We managed to sleep train without doing the CIO method….I strongly support other ways!!! wisemommies.com
I’ve been waiting for a blog post here about sleep issues – thanks, Lauren! I nursed my son to sleep and gave him a bottle once he was weaned at bedtime until he was about 18 months old. If he woke up while I was putting him into his crib, then sometimes I would pick him up and rock him back to sleep and eventually I sat in his room in the dark and waited for him to fall asleep. Sometimes he would cry and sometimes he would play. Sometimes I would be in his room for over an hour waiting for him to fall asleep. Eventually I left the room before he fell asleep. It was a very gradual thing, but I never just plopped him in bed and let him cry.
Now, I have a 5 month old daughter and she is a totally different story. When she was a newborn she would sleep very intermittently and infrequently. We started swaddling her at about 6 weeks of age and she slept like a champ, the whole night through! But, then my very big girl started busting out of the swaddle at 4 months and so I decided she should learn to sleep without it. She hasn’t slept through the night since then.
I still nurse her to sleep and then used to nurse her back to sleep every time she woke up at night and then put her back into her bed. But, I started falling asleep while I was nursing her back to sleep in our bed…. And now I’m afraid I have created a monster. I nurse her to sleep initially and she sleeps in her crib until about 2 am. Then I bring her into my bed and she nurses and sleeps on and off until about 6 am when we get up and start our day. I keep thinking I should just let her cry when she wakes up at 2 am. But I really don’t mind letting her sleep with us for a few hours, either. I keep thinking soon she’ll just sleep through the night after I initially put her in her crib.
All of my cousins swear by CIO, though, and most of their kids seem well-adjusted, intelligent, and loving….
Wow Anne, My son shares the same story with your 5 month yr old. He also slept like a champ, swaddled, until 4 1/2 months. Then all sleep, for everyone, came to a hault. Would also fall asleep nursing, many a times, and then I started bringing my son to bed from 2/4am to 6am. We also loved the time to sleep with our son! Like you did with your first son, I also nursed my son for 18months. Only, I never waited an hour for my son to fall asleep. Seems you have even more patience than me. With that being said, may I encourage you to stay with it for your daughter. I didn’t have to do the CIO method for my son and it only took 1 day of sleep training, after breastfeeding, to get him trained. What you did with your first son is similar to what I did and I think it will work for your daughter as well. wisemommies.com
I’m glad we can all support each other in our “what do we do about CIO” state of mind. Hopefully someone figures this thing out and lets us know! ha! Thanks for sharing!
I could not do the cry it out method. Personally, I just didn’t have it in me, and we work with a Neurologist (“brain” doctor) for our blog (wisemommies.com) who also supports other methods other than cry it out.
I spent over a year rocking, signing, nursing, patting our son to sleep, or just standing beside the crib. It seems everyone around me was doing the cry it out method, and was harping on me to sleep train my child before I “ruined” his sleep habits. When I stopped breastfeeding, I decided to concentrate on sleep training. I also felt that my son was “ready” for it. I bought a well-known book, suggested by one of my friends, from the UK, for the British way of sleep-training. I read this book in 2 days, and then briefed my husband for a game plan. We were successful in sleep training my son in 1 day!!! Not only did we not have to do the cry it out “method”, but we had sleep training success in 1 day amongst other benefits such as:
1) Afternoon nap time increased by 1 -1 1/2 hours (going strong for 8+ months now)
2) My son looks at books and “reads” in bed until he falls asleep every night and for every nap….We read 1-2 books first then he chooses several to take to bed with him.
I babysat for a friend the other day. When it was time for her daughter’s nap, the baby would not fall asleep. My friend texted me, and told me to just let her CIO because that is “just what she needs sometimes.” I’m sorry, but for a 1 yr old to still have to cry herself to sleep, that can’t be a healthy way of self-soothing???
Well, very encouraging for me to read the responses to this post. Sometimes I feel “alone” when doing other than the “norm” or “popular”. Thanks Lauren for starting such a topic!!
I would love to hear more about this method! Sounds great!