Baby Daddy Diaries: Mom Vocabulary

When Lauren got pregnant and the prospect of becoming a dad became a reality, my hobby of procuring new vocab took a completely different turn. Ever since I was old enough to know that words were fun and that there are multiple words that can mean roughly the same thing, I was hooked. It’s a serious, dorky hobby of mine.

Now that I’m a dad, there are words that are now a part of my common idiom that were completely foreign to me (and to most other men I know) before Lauren got pregnant. Some of them are funny, some are just plain strange. However, all need to be learned by any dad who wants to be able to have even the slightest clue of what’s going on during a pregnancy and in the months following birth. So here are some new words I have amassed over the last two years that I believe will be helpful for all the dads out there:

• Trimester – The first one sucks because nothing tastes good and she always feels like she’s going to throw up. The second one sucks because the third one isn’t coming fast enough. The third one sucks because another human has taken up residence inside her body and keeps kicking her in the ribs.
• Cervical softening – This is a wonderfully creative way of inducing labor that involves both parents participation. (Dads will be very supportive with this one!)
• Labor – That time when the soon-to-be mom is really calm and collected while the father-to-be has a panic attack in the living room and backs the car into the garbage cans on the way to the hospital.
• Dilated – Something that needs to happen for the baby to come out. That’s all the man really needs to know.
• Crowning – See definition for “Dilated.”
• Stretch Marks – Something that does not exist on whoever is asking if they have any.
• Breast Engorgement – It is not always a good thing for your wife’s breasts to double in size overnight. This is caused by the over-production of milk and is incredibly painful for the mom.
• Nipple Confusion – I thought this was a joke the first time I heard this. It’s not.
• Baby Wearing – It’s no longer cool to merely baby carry. Cool parents wear their babies. Scandinavian parents do it, so it must be cool.
• Butt Paste – It’s not just a great white elephant gift for office parties. It can actually be used on babies for rashes.
• The Baby Blues – This is not a B. B. King album. For a few weeks after the baby is born, all of the hormones and emotional nuances that make our wonderful wives so wonderful flood their body at the same time. This causes crying. Lots of crying. Patience, foot rubs, thick skin, and sympathy are the only survival skills a man has during the baby blues.
• Fatherhood – The most difficult and rewarding adventure any man can embark on. It is the true test of any man’s character, and a great way to grow an even deeper bond with your wonderful mate as they experience the joys of motherhood.