Without warning, I cried right there in the baby section of Target.
And, then, there was the time my silent tears fell on my niece’s head while I held her in my arms.
I’ve doodled baby names before pregnancies were confirmed, and I’ve laid awake at night wondering why I wasn’t a mother yet.
Hi, I’m Kelli and I’m one in 10 women who struggle with infertility, specifically Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). I had no idea what that meant when I was diagnosed at 18. It wasn’t until I had love, marriage, but no baby in a baby carriage that I realized the effects of PCOS. I wanted to be a mother so badly, and it seemed as if everyone else was getting pregnant except for me. Each month, for years, I hoped, prayed, and sat around waiting for two pink lines.
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I won’t ever tell you that you will have a child someday, or go on and on about how that baby is waiting to be loved by you. I’m sorry, but I just can’t. The truth is, I have no idea if you will ever be a mother. If that sounds forward, you’re right, it is.
On my journey to motherhood, I found that even the most well-meaning people say hurtful things sometimes. While they mean to be considerate, some people just simply don’t know how to support their infertile friends. I’ve come up with a few dos and don’ts for talking with couples who are struggling to have children of their own.
Common Phrases to Avoid Around Someone Struggling with Infertility
Just relax. For me, this was the phrase that was the hardest to ignore. Trying to conceive is anything but relaxing. It takes a mental, physical, emotional, and financial toll on a relationship. Most women tirelessly track their ovulation night and day, and keep mental notes for the best time to conceive. Consequently, this takes away the spontaneity of intercourse, which often becomes more of a chore than an intimate moment.
Does relaxing help? Absolutely, but we already know that and don’t want to hear it from someone else. Instead, schedule a mani/pedi appointment together or whatever it is that would actually help someone relax!
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All my husband did was look at me, and I got pregnant. While it sounds funny, and is likely meant to be humorous, it’s a serious subject for couples. And though we may laugh, there isn’t anything funny about our struggle. I suggest avoiding any type of joke at the expense of another couple’s infertility.
You’re young. You have plenty of time. Unfortunately, our eggs are not like fine wine — they don’t get better with age. However, there are some things (though, costly) women can do to preserve the youth of their eggs. When I froze embryos (fertilized eggs), they forever stayed the age I was at the time.
You can just adopt. I’ve never been through the adoption process, but I’ve heard it can be just as long and stressful. To me, this notion was like replacing one long journey for another. The flippant phrase makes it sound so easy, but I’m certain anyone who has actually been through the process of adoption would say that is far from the truth.
Have you done it this way . . . ? I’ll admit, this one does make me laugh. As funny as it sounds, I have heard people make suggestions for the best way to conceive. I’ll save you the time and effort wondering how, though, because there is no research that confirms one way is better than the other. (Trust me, I looked into it).
Don’t complain about your pregnancy. I understand, there are times pregnancy is not fun nor attractive. What I mean is, don’t update your status every day talking about how much your back hurts, or that you didn’t get any sleep last night. I agree that none of that sounds fun, but there are women who would love to have pregnancy symptoms.
Don’t offer to give us your kids. If you say I can have your kids one more time, I just might take you up on it. But for real, it’s not funny to us. I’m sure they drive you crazy from time to time, but, once again, lots of people would do anything to have a wild child if it just meant they had a child.
How to Support Someone Struggling with Infertility
Let them know you care. This just comes with being a good friend. Chances are, if your friend confides in you that she and her partner are struggling to conceive, she trusts you. Value that and be sympathetic toward her journey.
Be understanding. Don’t take it personally if she doesn’t want to go to your baby shower or your kids’ birthday parties. These can be triggers for a woman who struggles with infertility. They might be joyous occasions for you, but for others, they are just reminders of what she longs to have.
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Don’t be afraid to share your pregnancy news with us. I know this might sound contradictory to my suggestions above, but you can share your news in a respectful way. I promise, your friend will be glad that you told her personally rather than hearing the news over social media.
Show interest in her journey. Just as you would tell us about your prenatal appointments, ask about our doctor visits. This is a great way to show that you care and are here to walk the journey with us. Sending a simple text saying, “Thinking of you, today,” on appointment days can go a really long way.
I don’t know what your future holds, but I pray that your heart’s desires would be granted in perfect timing.
Are you struggling through an infertility journey? What helps you get through the difficult times?
