It happens to me all the time: checking out at the grocery store, talking to parents at the park, and even when talking to family. The question everyone wants the answer to…”So, when are you going to try for a boy??”
My name is Kelly. I have three girls, and my husband and I couldn’t be happier about it.
Years ago, when I only had two children, my answers were much nicer than they are now – I would smile, laugh, and say something along the lines of “We’ll see!” As my eldest has hit her 7th birthday, however, I’ve become more defensive when a stranger asks me if I feel that girls are so inadequate that I desperately need a son want a son.
As a women who, admittedly, never put much stock in embracing “feminism” I’ve found myself baffled by the number of times in a given day I’m questioned about my children’s gender.
“Oh, is your husband sad that he doesn’t have a son?”
“Three girls, I bet your husband is disappointed.”
“Are you going to try one more time??”
I’m always polite and never say what’s really on my mind: Believe it or not, we have yet to “try” for a boy, and if you would refrain from asking me these questions in FRONT of my girls it would be greatly appreciated. The truth is, they don’t mean any harm.
The answer, in case you haven’t fully guessed it, is that no, we will not “try again” for a son. Do we want another child? Absolutely. Do we prefer a girl or a boy??? We prefer healthy – ten fingers, ten toes, and bright smiling eyes. Yes, I’m serious. And if gender is important in your family, that’s perfectly fine, too. Really.
Even though my husband and I do not, care, however, we have come to realize that to some people it really is very important. For many, it’s a matter of carrying on a family tradition, whether it’s “_______ the III” or the legacy of a last name. [I had a friend in my Before Children days who kept her maiden name after getting married solely to keep her family name’s from dying off.]
For others, it’s a dream of having a child that can be just like you or your spouse. A boy who will play football, a girl who will do ballet, or just an offspring that looks like you or your significant other.
The strangest thing to come of being a mother to three girls is my development into a confidante to various strangers around the parks and play areas of Dallas. Mothers with two boys or two girls (or three girls or three boys) come up to me and ask me what WE are going to do. Are we going to try one more time for that boy? How does Husband feel? Sometimes they don’t want to have another child unless it can be guaranteed to be the “right” gender. Sometimes their husbands don’t.
For my part, I’m happy to give them our family’s perspective: if you want another child, have another child. If part of your desire another child is to have a boy who will be a first round draft pick, or a girl who will wear all those beautiful dresses you want to buy her, it’s probably NOT the right time to add another bundle of joyful chaos to your house.
For my husband, the gender of our children is completely unimportant. He knows that having a boy or girl has nothing to do with whether or not the child will be athletic, graceful, dainty, “tough”, or any of the other things society assumes when we have children. [Although I CAN tell you he’s pleased as punch that his 7 and 4 year old girls can climb over fences and outrun all of the neighborhood boys.]
Now for the good stuff!
What exactly ARE your chances of having the same sex or opposite sex of the children you have now?
For years, I spouted off the statistic [given to me by my old OB/GYN] that two children of the same sex gave you a 70% chance of having the same sex again. Would you believe that REALLY is an old wives’ tale??
According to the National Longitudinal Study of Youth conducted by the U.S. Department of Labor, having two or three boys only gives you between a 2-6% chance of having another boy. If you have two or three girls, your odds are actually a little higher to have a boy. Either way, the odds of whether you will have a boy or girl actually stay close to 50%.
My confession to you is that BEFORE we had children, I was convinced that I was going to have all boys. You see, even I wanted nothing more than to have a little girl who would follow in my footsteps and become a ballerina bookworm. As pregnancy pre-term labor scares happened with each and every pregnancy, however, I came to the belief that the only important part of what was growing inside me was that it was as healthy as it could be, and that I would be the best mother I could be.
I’ve since had three girls – two of whom do gymnastics and climb trees in a way to equal even Spider-Man. One loves dressing up in wedding gowns and pretending to get married, while her younger sister prefers to carry around a sword in the back of her shirt and be addressed as “She-Ra: Princess of Power”. The verdict is still out on little Abigail. And while neither one has had the slightest inclination to become a ballerina [though they both like pink], thankfully they ALL love books.
And in every way possible, I couldn’t be happier!
How about you?
Does gender matter to you or your husband?
As a mother of boy/girl twins, I get endless comments of “oh, you’re done” and “you got it done in one try.” These comments come from family, friends, and strangers. I also never say what I really want to like “who are you to make that decision for me?” I mostly hold my tongue because I don’t think anyone means to offend, but it is sad that society has suggested so strongly that a “complete” family consists of children of both genders.