I think I psyched myself out when it came to breastfeeding Miles. I had 3 sisters who’d breastfed and I had heard ALL the horror stories. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy breezy and that it would take work (and even some pain) to get things just right.
But, as I was having a natural childbirth, exclusively breastfeeding didn’t even seem like an option. It was a given, no doubt! I was determined to never let a drop of formula touch my baby’s lips.
I read books, saw specialists, asked tons of questions. I made special cookies, drank IPA beer and mother’s milk tea. I obsessed over every drop I could squeeze out while pumping (never much at all). I cried as I worked lumps out of my breasts while pumping in the middle of the night. Breastfeeding and my milk production were the only thing I could think about. I obsessed day and night and it consumed me.
Miles was doing great and gaining weight well… until 6 months. At his 6 month appointment his pediatrician said that he was not gaining enough weight and suggested I try to supplement just one meal with formula at night. She was very encouraging that I not give up breastfeeding, but said he just needed a bit more food. Of course, I took that as defeat. I had just obsessed and stressed so much that I saw this as my way out. We made the switch to just formula in about 2 weeks. I was a little sad, but mostly I was relieved to not have to think about it any more.
I have no idea why it was all or nothing in my mind. But as soon as I got pregnant again I knew I couldn’t make that mistake again.
Of course I want to breastfeed again. And I would love to do it exclusively again, and I will try. But, this time, I’m buying a jar of formula to have in the house from day one! As soon as I feel pressured or need a break – this baby is getting some formula. If I can’t pump enough milk to go out on a date – she’s getting some formula. If I need sleep and Tony can feed her for me – she’s getting formula.
I loved breastfeeding Miles, but I remember it as stressful and hard. I want to remember breastfeeding Natalie as special and stress-free.
I will still make the special cookies and drink the special drinks. But with the pressure to be perfect gone, hopefully this time around will be much different. And with any luck, if I cut myself some slack I won’t be desperate to quit early.
But either way – if I make it 3 months or 23 months – I will pat myself on the back and know I did the best I could!
Amen! I felt the same way you did about formula, but if there’s a next time around things will be much different. After seeing several IBLCs and going to class after class with the baby and the IBLCs telling me I needed to supplement, because he basically wasn’t gaining ANYTHING even after everything was perfect. They said I had breast hypoplasia which could contribute to this. I took prescription domperidone and about 20 other pills of breast milk boosting supplies and nothing. I spent my days obsessing about this with a crying hungry baby who lost way more weight than he should have. I breastfed (with him screaming b/c nothing was coming out), then did a supplemental nursing system (which trying to get a tube in a crying babies mouth while holding a tube over your head,,,yeah not good), then would pump after that, and start the whole process over again. I felt no bonding time with my son because of this process. There will be formula in the house from day 1 next time! I will still give him as much as I can, but I will snuggle that baby so much more instead of being attached to the pump, and him screaming at my breast.
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear you had such a hard time. I’m sure the stress of it all didn’t help! Hopefully – next time around just a different perspective can make a huge difference! Good Luck!! And thanks for sharing your story! 🙂