This Working Mom’s Guide to the (ridiculous) Morning Routine

On a recent trip out of town, alone one the first night in the hotel suite, I had one overwhelming thought: I don’t have to worry about my usual ridiculous morning routine for 2 whole mornings!

I cannot be alone in my feelings about this insane morning routine mess. Here are the 37 easy steps that make up the three hours before my work day begins… and what I missed out on when I was soaking up all that alone time…

1. Wake up needing to pee thinking it is hours from the alarm going off, but really it is only about 10 more minutes.
2. Debate peeing for the full 10 minutes until the alarm finally goes off. Time for the 5am workout.
3. Change the debate from the peeing drama to the “Is working out before the sun comes up even worth it AT ALL?” debate.
4. Finally, peeing is worth getting up for after all. Get out of bed.
5. Well, I’m up so might as well work out – ugh – good thing all of my workout clothes are in a pile on the floor from yesterday.
6. Roll eyes at husband’s grumbled complaints about closet light being on. Finish getting ready & turn lights off to avoid a war.
7. Drive the two minutes to the gym – wondering the entire time why I am doing this to myself.
8. Step into gym and instantly start Snapchatting – PROOF that I am up and working out like a #boss!
9. Mid-workout realize that the time spent in the gym is the only alone time I will have all day.
10. Extend workout 20 more minutes.
11. Look at the clock 12 times (at least) and start mentally preparing for the morning ahead.
12. Sadly, wrap up the workout. Say goodbye to the gym rats and hello to the sun just now coming up.
13. Back home – everyone else is still asleep. Start new debate – to shower or not to shower?
14. Have a cup of coffee and do daily reading while still deciding (procrastinating) on the shower.
15. Enjoy warmth of first sip of coffee then hear husband’s alarm 1st alarm going off. Approximately 20 minutes until it all falls apart.
16. Two minute shower, overhear another alarm (oh geez – the time!) No time to shave legs today.
17. Out of shower, ignore the cat calls coming from the husband still cozy in bed – too much to do this morning, and you aren’t one of them bud!
18. Quickly ramp up the speed of getting ready. Why am I not one of those people who puts their clothes out the night before? Pick out the cleanest work appropriate clothes in the closet, paying special attention to the outfit that calls for the most comfortable shoes.
19. Husband is up, time to wake up the toddler.
20. Go into toddler’s room. Turn off the sound machine (see tiny wiggle coming from crib), and turn on lamp (completely angering the two year old not yet ready to wake up).
21. Gently pat, rub & soothe said toddler. Coax him over to the side of crib to pick him up for the only cuddle he’ll be willing to give all day.
22. During cuddle, endure his insistence on bringing every pillow, blanket, & stuffed animal from crib to changing table. 
23. Change diaper and start to put the day’s clothes on him before the flipping and flopping begins on the changing table. Give up and decide he can eat breakfast in just a diaper.
24. Plop toddler into high chair – milk & muffin in hand. Sneak away slowly to make hair & rest of self presentable. Decide the definition of “presentable” has drastically changed since first starting job in Finance Industry. (Looking at you business casual.)
25. Plug in curling iron. Hear toddler calling for “Momma!” Unplug curling iron and decide it is #topknot for the win.
26. Back to the toddler. Get him out of high chair, dust off all the muffin crumbs onto floor – eh. Glance over at half full cup of coffee from earlier… cold by now, but a distant memory of my brief alone time earlier in the morning. Feel nostalgic for half an hour ago.
27. Go back into toddler’s room to finish getting ready. Wonder why I am trying to get him ready in the room with all the books and toys. Press on.
28. Spend at least 13 minutes putting the two smallest articles of clothing in the house onto the wiggliest human living under the roof.
29. Successfully get toddler in two socks and one shoe. Focus on small victories.
30. March toddler into bathroom to wash his hands and brush his teeth. Endure him doing both tasks 4 times each.
31. Almost.done. Notice that I haven’t seen husband in a good half an hour. His morning routine is #goals.
32. Announce that the toddler and myself are READY TO GO!
33. Husband points out that we are missing a shoe – ugh – why is he such a know-it-all? 
34. Find the last toddler shoe, get it on successfully with minimal conflict.
35. All three members of the family look into each other’s eye and silently acknowledge that we all realize how insanely perfect this morning ended up working out.
36. Load all three humans from the home into cars to depart for our day in the world, exchanging 100 “Goodbyes” and “I love you’s.”
37. Say a short prayer. “Help us to be three people who are kinder than necessary, and thank you for how much I really love the ridiculousness of the first three hours of my day.”