Seeing that positive pregnancy test while holding my 6 month old and having my 2 year old standing at my feet was a moment that has been burned into my memory forever. I remember grabbing both of them and laying down in my bed thinking what is this going to look like? Three kids under three? Seriously! Can I do this? All I can recall at this moment looking back was just lots of tears. Lots of tears that day in my bed from all three of us. I called my husband who was at work and said I think you need to come home and he immediately knew. Pregnant. Again.
I am a responsible adult and know how people get pregnant, but this was seriously a shock. We knew we wanted three kids but not this quick. I had a plan. I knew what the recipe was for a girl with all the positions, timing, foods to eat and apps to help track. I knew at this point I could just throw that recipe out the window. Not only will I be a mom of three under three, I will be the mom of three BOYS under three. I was right.
I nursed my first two and to be honest I was awesome at it. From the time they exited my body they latched perfectly, my milk came without issues and I even remember the lactation nurse coming in and saying my technique would be perfect for a teaching video. Now that may have been taking it a little overboard but I was just kind of a natural at it. As were my babies.
So here I am thinking for 7 1/2 months about having three kids so young, the postpartum depression I experienced after my second and how I knew that this new baby would be our last and final. I wanted to make this experience with my third boy, my real “baby” of the family, special. I wanted to enjoy him like I did the first and not have the depression I did with the second. Nursing a baby when you have two other babies would have to be extremely difficult. I am sure many 
women have done it, but for me it just wouldn’t be pretty. When you’re nursing you are basically held hostage by the baby. I loved nursing my first two and that time I had with them was so special, but I had to make a decision that was best for our family. After all, my childrens’ needs and happiness revolve around how I am as their mommy. I knew that if I was nursing I would not be able to be the mommy that Jack and Lewie needed and that is how my decision was made. I spoke with my husband and “village” about it and knew it was the best choice and I had to own it.
When baby Max came into the world I could not help but to immediately put him up to my breast and let him go to town. He actually didn’t take to it right away and I sort of took it as a sign. Every time a nurse came in and said “are you sure you don’t want to nurse” and blah blah I just smiled and said “yup I know and I don’t care. It’s not going to happen this time around. Give him a paci and bring me some formula.” I also sent him to the nursery every night without ANY guilt at all because basically with 3 kids under three, a hospital stay was like a freaking vacation.
Looking back now, it’s hard to say whether I have guilt about that decision or not. Luckily Max is super healthy, happy and easy going. Probably because he is the third? And lucky for me he is a boy, so I doubt I will be hearing him ask me later in life “mom why didn’t you nurse me like you did my brothers?”
Thank you for writing/sharing this. I’m almost due with number 3 and I’ve made the same decision for the same reasons. My first two (boys) were exclusively breast fed for over a year. They both did great but it almost completely depleted me physically, emotionally and spiritually. With this third one I’m considering the well being of our whole family and it seems best to go with the bottle. I’m pretty relieved and excited about allowing my husband more opportunities to feed/bond as well. Thanks for the encouragement!
I couldn’t have said it better myself. My first two babies were back to back. I nursed during pregnancy and for 37 months combined between the two. It definitely contributed to depression, anxiety and physical exhaustion. My babies would be on me 24/7 if I let them. We are going for number 3 soon and I DO NOT want to nurse. I feel it will be better for everyone. Thanks for writing this. I’d be interested to hear how you feel about this now since this article is a few years old.
By the way… when you said “get him a paci and bring me some formula,” I laughed so hard. I can see myself saying the exact same thing. 😁