Being a parent is hard work. The responsibility of meeting another human’s every single need can be paralyzing. And meeting the basic food-water-shelter-needs does not even scratch the surface of what our job as Parent demands of us these days. We are supposed to be all things to our child all the time. We must teach, preach, love and play too.
That last one, the play one… that is the one I don’t do. I would rather wake up and feed a newborn every 2 hours at night than play pretend with a toddler. When my son was around 2 years old and I became a single working parent and had no extra patience to spare (or waste on play in my very factual logical mind) I gave up playing with my child. By some sort of miracle, the absence of “playtime with momma” hasn’t ruined him. In fact, there a small chance that my lack of perfect parenting has made him a better kid. I backed away from playing with him and his relationships with others and with himself took off.
Doing most of all the things is adequate enough for me. I make his breakfast, pack his lunch, bathe him, get him dressed, brush his teeth, buckle him in the car, take him to school, pick him up from school,
feed him and put him to bed; all of the basics. All of the days. We read books, we snuggle, we go on walks, we go to the park, we watch movies and we practice sports, we have really good conversations, tickle and we travel. When he wants to play imaginary games with fake plastic people in his playroom, he goes and does, and I vacuum (or cook, or fold laundry, or catch up on emails and work). I can usually over-hear his imagination taking him to places I didn’t know he even knew of and it amazes me. But not enough to join him. Not even close.
This used to be a major source of mommy guilt. Moms play with their children; and they enjoy it (or they use those pretending skills they possess to fool us all). I don’t have pretending skills. I don’t have ones that allow me to play pretend or to pretend to like pretend play. It’s a role in my son’s life that as his mom I should fulfill but instead I outsource.
I outsource my son’s imaginary play: to his father, his grandparents, his friends and to him. And he soars. So I let go of the guilt, gave up trying to be everything to him and instead gave him a playroom full of action heroes and cars and planes. I gave him room to lead his own play and a space he can transform into anything he can think up.
The result, and payoff, were never more clear than a couple of week ago at a friend’s house where the older kids were swimming and my three year old was happy as a clam playing by himself with a box of sand. An even better payoff is that I am a (mostly) sane mom; which wouldn’t be the case if I forced myself to sit on the floor and pretend to be all things I am supposed to be as a mom.
Perfect parenting will not make a perfect child… I’m not playin’.
You are absolutely right! There is absolutely nothing wrong with your approach for so many, many reasons! 1. You are helping to facilitate independence and self-motivation in your child that is a necessity in our world. Well-meaning parents who fill ALL of the roles forget that at some point their child will have to be on their own and it is the developmental years that are intended to equip them for that time. We ARE to fill the needs of our children that they cannot fill themselves while simultaneously teaching them those skills. Then over time we are to release the training wheels so that they can grown smoothly and safely into adults. Play is one of these skills. (so is making a sandwich for lunch!). 2. You are a human being too. You have only so much energy to use up each day and it would not serve your child well to exhaust yourself. How could you be an effective, patient parent then. 3. It is also OK for you to recognize your strengths and your weaknesses. It sounds as though you have many strengths and if pretend play is not one of them, it is likely that your attempts would both cause you discomfort and also be a less than great example for your child. … I applaud you for the courage it took to write this piece and for being a parent who recognizes her own limitations.
I get it, I really do…I’ve never had a point where I wasn’t a single mom, and I have a career that leaves me exhausted most of the time. I understand what it’s like, even why you don’t want to. But in the choice to not play, you’re missing something huge in the parenting experience, what could be one of the best parts of your day and his. I don’t think any child needs 100% attention but giving him some individual playtime would probably be a good thing. My kid gets playtime every day with me and can also amuse herself in a sandbox and play by herself in her room…I think most kids of single parents tend to be pretty independent, but all parenting is about balance. This just seems kind of extreme, and I’m hoping I read this wrong. I wish you much joy in your parenting experience.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who just can not seem to love to pretend play with my kids. I love listening to them do it – by themselves or with my hubby – but it is SO not my thing! I can do puzzles, read, bake, talk, do art, dance, and lots of other great things, but the pretend play just sucks the life out of me. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you! I hate to pretend play and feel terrible. But I couldn’t agree more, when I hear my daughter playing I love that her imagination is in high gear which it wouldn’t be if I were pretending with her. Thank you!!! It’s so great to hear another mom do this too!!!
I am also a single parent so I get the whole efficient use of time and balancing your strengths, but this blog strikes me that you are doing your best to rationalize the fact that you do not engage in play with your son. You make it sound as though you are a very hands-off parent and this may seem to be fostering his independence now but it could cost you his trust later on. I saw it happen with a man I recently dated. He provided all the daily basics except for engaging in play with his son. His son would beg his dad to play, swim with him, shoot nerf guns, etc. And I witnessed the look of disappointment on the face of that dear boy every time his dad declined to play. From one single mom to another, avoid a man that does not play with his child and engage in play with your son – these are the years that will shape him.