If anxiety were a person, it would be the kind of person that knocks on your door unexpectedly, forces their way into your home and destroys everything in their path. A “Murphy’s Law” kind of person if you will. Anxiety is literally a state of all your insecurities and greatest fears flooding your mind and feeling that nothing good can happen. This terrible condition makes motherhood quite interesting and full of challenges I did not anticipate. Motherhood is hard enough on a normal day, but mix in some anxiety and you have a party from hell that you didn’t ask for.
Most spouses, friends and family (especially our precious kiddos!) don’t realize that anxiety can present its ugly self in so many different forms it is impossible to list them all. It is not always the stereotypical reaction of sitting in a corner rocking back in forth, although that is a possibility. An attack can be a sudden emotional outburst of anger or sadness, insecurities and accusations of our partners, chronic stomachaches/body aches/headaches, complete numbness and silence, or even these crazy “out of body” experiences. I can distinctly remember an anxiety attack I had 2 years ago and I can only explain this particular moment as an out of body experience. I remember sitting on the couch trying to breathe but it felt like my entire body was bigger than the couch and the room was shrinking. It felt and looked as though I was floating above, watching myself in a full panic state. It was absolutely horrifying and I had to shut my eyes and tell myself it wasn’t real. In general, it was an awful experience, but being a mom and trying to protect my kid from seeing mom in a weak moment made it a thousand times worse. I was in this horrific state I couldn’t come out of and all I could focus on was thinking “Marli is in her room, get it together.”
I am a naturally anxious and paranoid person and my mind is wired to think of worst-case scenarios in just about every situation. I’ll be honest, the moment I became a parent, my anxiety went through the roof and I’m not so sure it’s ever come down. My thinking surrounds my children. My mind takes a normal outing with my kids to a place of instant fear. Anywhere we go, I immediately create an exit strategy or hiding place. I am hyper aware of everything that goes on because I am so sure that something awful is going to happen, I have to be prepared. It feels like my heart is going to break through my chest and I can’t take a breath until we are safe at home. I kid you not, anxiety is this overwhelming thing that I actively have to talk myself through every day. It creates strains on my relationships and can alter my mood in a snap. Friends, family, romantic relationship, motherhood… they all suffer in some form because it is a difficult condition to understand. I share this because we HAVE to talk about it! Us moms, we feel like if we don’t keep it together who will? I get it, but I also know that sometimes you can’t keep it together and moms need to hear that they are not alone.
Being a mom with anxiety creates a whole new world of thought processes, and the pressure of keeping myself in a calm state is draining. When I struggle, it changes me as a mother. I don’t have the energy to play, my patience becomes so much thinner and I’m sure I put a huge damper on my girls’ moods. First of all, even just typing that makes me teary-eyed because who wants to be that kind of mom? I didn’t choose to house anxiety and I certainly don’t want to pass it onto my girls. Finding peace is a constant mission of mine because my girls are my entire world and I will do anything I can to keep anxiety out of their lives.
Everyone is different but I thought I could share my coping mechanisms with others who suffer from anxiety. Who knows, maybe they will work for you! (Keep in mind, I am a normal, work-from-home-mom. These are just the things I discovered help me get through an anxious state so I could return to the normal amount of stress in “mom-life” faster!)
- Recognize Triggers – This is the hardest part, but it is so crucial. Once you begin to recognize the elements that send you into a tailspin, it then becomes easier to do the work to get to the peaceful side. You obviously will have to be patient and learn what these triggers are and why they exist, but recognition of things that set me off was the first step forward for me.
- Find Your “Person” – Sounds like something off of Greys Anatomy right? In all honesty, secluding yourself is the worst thing you can do even though that is all you may want to do. It doesn’t matter how embarrassing the panic may be, the person you see as a safe place is meant to be a sounding board for you. This person needs to be someone you can call and basically say “it is happening again” and they will know what you are talking about and know how to be there for you. It can be tough to find someone who will do this successfully because a lot of people who do not have anxiety, can’t understand why those who have it won’t just “get over it.” Once you find your safe place in someone, allow them to be there and support you. Let them be the person who will hold your hand until the moment has passed.
- Allow Anxiety to Happen –I’ve noticed a huge difference when I try to bottle up the attack vs when I just let it work itself out. Bottling it up only creates what I imagine to be a Jack-in-the-Box situation. Sure, you can push down your panic and pretend its not there, but in reality, all you are doing is waiting for the pressure to become so great it explodes out of you in a much more severe form. I am NOT saying “give in to it and dwell”. No, what I mean is work to recognize the attack and begin actively telling yourself some form of “It WILL be over soon” and breathe. Let it happen, but do not stay in this state. PUSH yourself to walk through it and come out on the other side. Letting it happen, all the while working through it, eventually it ends and YOU have defeated it. You may feel drained and beaten down, but making yourself work through it is an enormous win.
- Seek Help – Do not, I repeat, do not for one second think you are a damaged, broken person or a bad parent because you need help getting a grip on anxiety. Getting help for your anxiety is a brave and necessary step. I will be the first to tell you, therapy and medication have worked wonders for me. Therapy is awful because you are forced to face things that terrify you, but my gosh in the end… it is so worth it. Maybe meds aren’t for you and that is fine, a therapist, counselor or whomever is so wonderful at giving productive tools that help retrain your thinking during and anxiety attack. This is a resource you do not want to overlook!
- Sleep – This seems obvious, but a person who is anxious and constantly overthinking will force themselves to stay awake digging for a solution. We can make ourselves suffer, lie in bed and just imagine all the horrific ways something can go wrong but what does that solve? Nothing. Anxiety can cause insomnia which leads to exhaustion which leads to horrible moods and so on. The cycle following sleep deprivation it isn’t a healthy one. Make sure you are sleeping. I discovered that a weighted blanked is an AMAZING thing to have if you suffer from anxiety or sleep issues! Look into Gravity Blankets here or search for something similar on amazon! They are a bit pricey but I am in love with mine because it really has helped me fall asleep faster!
- Find the Joy – Ok I lied, the triggers are not the hardest part, this is. How do you find JOY in a moment of terror? Finding the joy in what feels like your worst moment is like looking for a needle in a haystack. You will search and search but the anxiety will fight you and try to convince you there is horror in your joy. Keep searching and lock on to something that is nothing but happiness for you. For me, it is when my girls are playing and my oldest is making my youngest giggle. Hearing their sweet, innocent giggles is the purest form of happiness to me. I have trained myself to listen for the giggles when I can feel an attack coming or if I find myself in the middle of one. Sounds super silly and most will shrug this off, but I’m telling you, something about those giggles will begin to bring me back. Not all the time, but if it works sometimes, I’ll take it!
Again, these are strategies that I have developed for myself through trial and error as well as an abundance of therapy sessions. By no means do they work EVERY time, but they are excellent tools when they do. Our natural instinct is to fight any threat that comes our way, but anxiety is a hard one to prepare for, especially when you’re a mom with a million things on your plate. Motherhood is full of its own obstacles that sometimes have their own agenda, we don’t need anything else adding to our load. I really do think that there is a trick somewhere to cure anxiety… I don’t know what it is but until it is found, these are the things that I work with on a daily basis.
I can relate to all of you anxious mommas and my hope is that if you suffer from anxiety, you will always continue to push through it! The battle is different within everyone but the end goal is the same. Peace. Your challenge is to not succumb to it and do not let it define you! As much anxiety as you harbor, remember you have more joy and peace within you so find it, hold on to it and use it as an anchor!
