The tile felt cold and hard so I got off the floor and sat on the edge of the bathtub instead. My sobs were amplified by the bathroom’s acoustics. “Good,” I thought to myself. “Now he’ll feel really bad.”
It was day five of our honeymoon and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Nothing was going according to plan–my plan that is.
Take our first breakfast in Hawaii, for example. My new husband excused himself from the table for a minute; I assumed to wash his hands. Instead, he returned with the sports section of the USA Today. He didn’t longingly look across the table into my eyes as the lead in a romantic movie would do. No, he read the scores.
Our marriage was doomed.
The situation continued to worsen. He wanted us to traipse through the rainforest. Every. Single. Day. I smiled my way through the first mile or two. I grit my teeth through the helicopter ride (Helicopter with no doors, that is. How is that even safe?) and our third jungle trek to, yet another, waterfall. But, after a rigorous, six mile hike on the Nepali Coast where the temperature turned from sunny and 90 degrees to pouring down rain in three seconds flat, I was done. Completely covered in mud and done.
How did he not know that “honeymoon” was synonymous with lying on a beach chair all day–exerting energy only when ordering expensive hotel drinks or shopping? Who was this strange man I married?
This was all wrong.
That night he decided where we were going for dinner. Again. He wanted sushi. I don’t touch fish, yet alone raw fish, and I was hungry. Irrationally hungry and tired after our daily hike. I needed meat. Large quantities of meat. Not little bites covered in Teriyaki sauce.
Seems I wasn’t getting my way on this trip. Ever. And, I was done.
Fortunately, my ability to communicate what I was feeling barely exceeded that of an over-tired toddler’s. All I could do was cry and mumble an occasional, “This is not how it should be” while shaking my head “No.” He didn’t seem to understand, so I made a dramatic exit to the bathroom. (I had no idea where my room key was, so it was my only option.) Secretly, I hoped he’d come in, say he understood, and we would only do things my way. Forever. It would be just like a scene from one of those made-for-television romantic movies…
I don’t remember how things turned around after my bathroom tantrum, to be honest. But, I do know that (somehow) we worked out a way to take turns choosing our activities and restaurants for the rest of the trip. More so, I learned something important about marriage that week.
Marriage is hard work.
This year we celebrate ten years. Though certain aspects have grown easier, it’s still hard work. The addition of children (four in our case), job stress, and the constant of change all compound the pressure on the commitment.
There are days and seasons when marriage can feel miserable.
But, let me encourage you today that you can play an important role in helping your marriage grow and survive–even if the rough period you’re in seems unredeemable.
Hanging through the tough times in my marriage has consistently yielded in reaching a deeper level of commitment and understanding. In other words, it’s always better on the other side of those dark times.
There are three little things I have to constantly remind myself though in the midst of marriage trials. Maybe they’ll help you too:
1. Forgive: Our relationship immediately improved after I made the difficult (gulp) realization that I wasn’t the perfect spouse either. I was just as selfish and interested in my agenda–and only my agenda–as he was. I have grown in my ability to forgive him by focusing on how imperfect of a spouse I am. I remind myself of just how desperately I desire him to give me grace when I mess up and then it becomes easier to extend that same grace to him.
2. Gain Perspective: If you’ve been married longer than 15 minutes you’ve likely figured this out, but, just in case, know that your marriage won’t be a fairy tale. No marriage is. Every marriage has problems–even if you don’t see them. Facebook date night photos of other marriages aren’t telling the whole story.
If wrestling an idealistic picture of how your marriage should be consumes you, let me encourage you to limit your intake of modern day fairy tales. Recently I spent one week watching the nightly Hallmark movie, and I’ll be honest, it changed my personal level of matrimonial contentment. Just a few of these movies and I started seeing my husband as not measuring up. You’ve married a real man, not a scripted one. And, just like we hate the unrealistic images of women with perfect bodies that porn and the media put out there, we must recognize that the way men are portrayed in chick flicks, romantic novels, and even TV shows (written by women or for women), are not accurate either. You don’t want him to expect you to wake up looking like the cover of Glamour, right? So, please don’t expect him to have lines as good as Ryan Gosling’s.
3. Happiness Is Determined By Me: During our first year of marriage I lived under the false premise that it was my husband’s job to make me happy. A ring on my fourth finger relieved me of responsibility for my own mood and my every negative emotion was somehow directly or indirectly, his fault. This didn’t work out so well. Mostly because it was a really whacked out way of thinking about our relationship.
With the help of some professional counseling, I sorted out how I still determined my own happiness. I could choose to what level our conflicts escalated. I could choose how I responded to adversity. I could decide whether or not I wanted to be a grump all day or stay mad about something or whether I wanted to forgive him (see number one above). My reclaiming of this responsibility made a big difference in our relationship.
Yes, marriage is hard–more difficult than most of us ever imagined. But, there are ways to find hope. If you are going through a rough patch, let me encourage you to find a friend (one you can trust not to lie to you and tell you her marriage is perfect) and talk about it. Or, find a professional counselor, like I did, and get the help you need to make it through your current trial.
How’s your marriage? How do you cope during season’s where marriage is miserable?
Heather,
Thank you for such an honest post! Every married woman needs to read this. Several years ago, I too discovered that even when you think there’s no going back to the good old (married) days, a true, heartfelt effort to refocus your attention and energy can bring you full circle. When talking with friends who are seeking that voice of encouragement, I’ve always had a difficult time putting my thoughts into succinct words. You said exactly what I’ve always wanted to convey in one of your sentences. If you ask me, it’s the most important one in this post – “…it’s always better on the other side of those dark times.” To your point, it’s a matter of working hard to improve ourselves as we forge through the tough times of marriage to the “other side.” This is so very true, and unless/until someone has actually experienced that truth, the current state of their marriage may seem hopeless. As you’ve so eloquently written, it is NOT hopeless. Where there’s honesty, dedication, grace & love, there is longevity. Again, thank you for sharing that beautiful message!
Thanks for your kind words, Michelle! Yes, we all pray for marriages that won’t have dark times…but it’s just not real life. And, our marriages benefit from them when we can make it to that other side! Thanks again for your comment!
What an excellent post, Heather. For a long time I’ve thought that as girls and young women we do way more thinking about our wedding day than our marriage. It seems like a fairy tale to meet the man of your dreams. And truly, we get to choose who that is, so it’s not fair of us to complain…but we do. Thank you for honestly talking about how our attitudes can change so much about our marriages. It is hard core truth. We are almost 19 years in and still going through rough patches now and then. It is hard work, for sure, but it is so rewarding to share a life with someone you can know intimately and grow with for life. If it were easy, it really wouldn’t be as much fun. It is always better on the other side of those dark times! Love that!