How to Welcome a Second Child Without Losing Your First

My three-year-old hasn’t wanted or needed me lately.  I’m not sure when the transition happened, but over the span of seven short months the same little boy that used to cling to my body like monkey to tree no longer has use for his Mommy.  

I was putting him to bed one evening – a rarity these days as I’m seldom not nursing our ravenous baby vampire – when he looked at me with concern.  We were at the end of his usual bedtime routine – negotiating the books we would read (one Justice League story and one “regular”, to help curb his growing obsession with Superheroes), brushing teeth, changing into PJs, and a sip of water.  He was in good spirits and only moments before was executing face plants into a giant stack of pillows.  He stopped short when he saw me settle into bed.  “Where’s Daddy?”  he asked, his tone even and cold. “I don’t want you to read to me.”  I stared at him from across the room, looking for signs of my little boy behind his now serious face.  “Where’s Daddy?”  he repeated.

I paused, trying not to flinch as my heart wilted.  Memories flashed and I reminded myself that they were my cherished moments and not his. He had no recollection of being held his first minutes in the world, being stared at and loved for hours on end while he slept and I obsessed, or of my late nights trying everything to soothe him.  He knew nothing of the nine months of nausea and bodily pain I endured while carrying him, or the quiet nights my heart fluttered as I felt him kicking in the dark.  All he knew was: yesterday, today, lately – Mommy hasn’t played with me because she was feeding the baby.  She doesn’t give me baths anymore or read me my bedtime story.  She’s there only when she’s not distracted by a crying baby.  “Daddy will be here later,” I said gently, attempting to distract him with promises of an extra book and two Superhero stories instead of one.  He stared at me again and I could tell he was tired; maybe he suddenly remembered that it was Mommy he had first loved and wanted for at least three quarters of his three and a quarter year life.  But instead his lower lip began to tremble and what I thought was silent consideration turned swiftly into a screaming, “I WANT DADDY!”  I was crushed.

He will always love his Mommy, I naively thought when my second was born, and the baby needs me now.  But weeks turned into months of de-prioritizing my oldest and suddenly our relationship was different. And though I’ve started to make a conscious effort to win him back – which seems to be working – there are things I wish I did to make the transition smoother for him and for our family.  

Here are a few things that we found worked, and some things we should have done sooner in preparing our son for a younger sibling.  

Start Preparing Early.  We started dropping hints about a baby as soon as I began to show.  My son was only two at the time, so there was only so much he could truly grasp, but we wanted to get him used to the idea.  We talked a lot about babies, and tried to schedule play dates with families that had babies so he could be around them and see me holding one.  We also gave him a doll that he was tasked with taking care of – he named him (“Baby Baby”) and loved giving him his bottle and putting him to bed.  It was a great way to get him excited about helping with the baby.  There are also many books written specifically to help kids with the transition –  “I’m a Big Brother” by Joanna Cole and “Waiting for Baby” by Rachel Fuller are great ones.  Daniel Tiger, my son’s favorite show at the time, also has several episodes that focus around preparing for and adjusting to a new baby.  They do a great job of addressing real life scenarios such as a constantly crying baby, jealousy, and getting less attention from Mom and Dad. 

The Same, But Different.   Adding a new baby to the family is a huge adjustment for everyone.  Even the second time around, nothing can truly prepare you for how difficult those first few months can be.  This has the potential to be traumatic for a child whose entire world has revolved around them, especially when they don’t have the emotional maturity to deal with their feelings of frustration and loss.  The best way to ease them into this environment is to keep things as stable as possible.  If they’re in daycare, keep them in daycare (this will be easier on you as well).  If they have a set schedule, keep their schedule consistent where you can and work the baby’s timetable around theirs.  Try and implement any big changes you foresee coming (potty training, moving them to their own room) several months ahead of the baby’s arrival, or hold off until after things have calmed down.  This way they don’t form negative associations with their new sibling.  

Give a Gift From Baby.  In most cases, bribery is not recommended (as effective as it may be), but it doesn’t hurt to have your tiny bundle of joy come with a peace offering for his older sibling.  For some kids, especially those who tend to be more nurturing, the sight of a new baby brings them as much joy as it would an adult.  These children welcome the new addition with excitement, and can’t wait to hold and love on the new baby.  Others, like my son, are tentative and shy.  A new baby is small, cries a lot, and can barely open their eyes.  This can make a toddler uneasy and sometimes afraid.  Having a gift ready from the baby helps the child to view them more as a playmate, a new friend who is just as excited to meet him as he them.  It can be something small – we wrapped a new book and stuffed animal for my son as gifts from his baby sister.  He had a gift for her as well (which was his idea), so it was amazing to be able to have them “trade” presents.

Baby Comes Second.  This may seem counter-intuitive since the baby will be the one that needs the most attention in the beginning, but in cases where you have no help and both kids need you, you should default to at least addressing your older child first (obviously this only applies if the baby is not in danger in any way).  They won’t know the difference between waiting two and ten minutes for a diaper change, but your older child will start to notice when his needs are constantly put second.  This can be as simple as providing a distraction or project for your older child to buy you some time.  For example, giving them a coloring project and telling them you’ll join them once they’ve finished a section on their own.  Try to avoid saying you can’t play with them until the baby is taken care of (even if this is true) by instead offering an alternative plan and getting them excited that your time with them is coming.  In the event that both kids are having a meltdown and you feel like you’re living a scene out of Armageddon, resort to emergency tactics – offer TV time, iPad, or something they usually don’t get to play with.  This can be a slippery slope, like when I allowed my son a two hour Daniel Tiger marathon, but you’ll be happy to know his brain didn’t turn to mush and the Mommy Police didn’t come breaking down our door.  Just remember that distraction tactics are more of a band-aid fix; you’ll need to address their feelings when you later get alone time with them.

Little Helper.  Having a toddler help you is like trying to pick up litter in a wind tunnel, so choose the tasks they “help” you with wisely.  Toddlers love having jobs – it makes them feel important and will provide them some positive interaction with the baby.  My son is too young to change diapers or help with anything substantial, but I have him do small things like pick out her outfit or what toys to give her.  He also helps throw away dirty diapers, brushes her hair, and now that she’s eating solids will feed her bite size snacks or help hold her bottle.  He loves being Mommy’s helper and it has made him feel more responsible for his baby sister.  He actually now gets upset when I dress her without consulting him first.  

Divide & Conquer…sort of.  This is one piece of advice that we followed, but wish we would have followed differently.  It made the most sense in the beginning to each take a kid, since I was nursing and there wasn’t much my husband could do for the baby, but in hindsight we should have divided tasks and not children.  Though I was busy with the baby most of the day, my husband could have taken her for thirty minutes so I could read my son a story.  And instead of nursing her for every feed, he could have given the baby her last bottle for the night.  You’ll have to decide the delineation of duties depending on what works best for your family, but make sure that each of you gets some time with each child.  This way the older child doesn’t feel like they’ve lost a parent, and one parent doesn’t feel like they’re fielding the brunt of the newborn duties.  If you have family nearby, having them help once in a while can work wonders.  My parents pick my son up from school and feed him dinner one night a week, which gives him a break from the baby and us some time to regroup.

One-on-One Time.  Spending quality time with your oldest should seem like a fairly obvious tip, but can be hard to stick to when you reach month two or three of newborn exhaustion.  A trip to the park will suddenly sound like scaling Mount Everest when you’re running on a few hours of sleep.  Instead of planning full blown outings (which are ideal if you can manage it), block out thirty minutes to spend with your oldest doing anything at all, so long as it means they have your undivided attention.  Coloring, reading a book, baking cookies – you don’t have to leave the house for them to appreciate that special time with you. 

Lower Your Expectations.  We had to throw out all plans when my son came down with a 104 degree fever the second night we were in the hospital after giving birth to our daughter.  He had to be quarantined at his grandparents’ house until he got better, so not only would he not be with us our first days home, but I also wasn’t able to take care of him while he was sick.  I was devastated.  He pleaded with me on the phone to come pick him up, and there were few times during our hospital stay that I wasn’t sobbing uncontrollably.  That was the first time I had to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t be in two places at once, and even our best laid plans wouldn’t cover every situation.   Take the pressure off yourself for things out of your control, and don’t get frustrated when dishes pile up, naps are skipped, and the sound of crying seems to permeate your every thought.  Take a break when you need it.  There will be tough moments and hurt feelings, tantrums, and mental breakdowns, and the reality is that no matter what you do, your relationship with your older child will change.  It may not be the picture perfect family you imagined at first, but in between those chaotic moments you’ll have a lot of amazing firsts – that first sweet sibling hug and kiss, the first time they make each other laugh, the first time you go out as a family of four.  And one of the best firsts – seeing your older child suddenly mature and take on the role of protective older brother or sister on their own.  It’s an exhausting but incredible journey, and before you know it you’ll be ready for your third (in ten years).    

How did you survive adding a second (or third, or fourth, or fifth) child?  Share your tips!