As the ideal parents we are, we all want our children to have blissful memories of the holidays. As a single parent, I worry that my child will be scarred for life. And this time of year especially, the guilt can be huge. Will my child’s memories of the Season ever be “normal”? And will I ever be able to make up for it?
Last night, I sat down with two of my favorite boys to chat about what the holidays and Christmas means to each of them. One is eleven years old and one is four years old and both are children whose parents are divorced. I had a box of tissues ready on the table and a big bowl of responsibility waiting to pour over me. Their responses to my questions I just knew would crush me and confirm that these victims children are being robbed of the joy the holidays can bring. And for one of them at least, I am to blame.
Read on:
Me: “Boys, what do the holidays mean to you? One at time please.”
The 11yo: “It means-family, having fun, spending time together, playing board games, watching football, doing things with your family, bonding, sitting by a fireplace, reading books.”
The 4yo: “We give toys to everyone who doesn’t have toys, turkey, playing games, painting, writing, coloring, being warm.”
Me: “And what about Christmas specifically?”
The 11yo: “At Christmas it is family spending time together, sitting by the fire, snuggling, giving gifts, getting gifts, eating food, making food, and singing Christmas carols”
The 4yo: “Santa gives things to you and you give things to everyone else, being kind, and helping.”
Me: “Ok, you both mentioned family… so now tell me about your family.”
The 11yo: “It’s my Dad, Mom, Grandpas and Grandmas, Great Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Sisters, and Friends”
The 4yo: “My family loves me and plays with me like Momma, Uncle Mike, Uncle B, CiCi, Grandpa and my dad.”
Me: “What are your family traditions?”
The 11yo: I wake up early at 3 o’clock to see what Santa brought me on Christmas morning and we drink hot chocolate by the fire place and we always go outside to play. We sit by the Christmas tree and pass around Christmas gifts to each other. On my mom’s side- we always have a family football game. We always get a Christmas tree too.
The 4yo: “What’s a tradition?”
Me: “Something you do the same every year.”
The 4yo: “Open presents.”
Me: “What is your favorite thing about Christmas?”
The 11yo: “Spending time with family.”
The 4yo: “Singing Rudolph songs.”
Me: “Ok, last one boys. How does Christmas make you feel?”
The 11yo: “Happy, cold, joyful, excited, kind, nervous to see what gifts came, and sad when it is all over. “
The 4yo: “GREAT!”
And you guys, that was it. There were no tears (from them or me!), no blaming, no “I wish we could” or “I wish we didn’t”! Not one. Not even something I could over-analyze. Two little boys, with families that love them-one lives with just his dad and one lives with just his mom.
So as we are all knee deep in making the holidays perfect-some of us trying to overcompensate for one reason or another-some single- some married-some somewhere in between; I encourage you to let it go. They are ok. They are loved. They are happy. And just like everyone else; they love this time of year. We aren’t screwing up their childhood nearly as much as we worry. Instead, spend the energy loving them and making memories.
Let Joy Overflow.
