The Lessons I Learned From My Miscarriage

I grew up with a bustling household – five kids, two dogs (sometimes three), a fish tank full of reptiles my brothers caught by the creek, a turtle, bunny rabbits, and who knows what else! As the oldest of the five kids, I learned to love the chaos, although sometimes yearning for a private space to call my home in the overstuffed house.  Despite the lack of privacy, I loved my crazy household, and I knew that one day I would have a crazy house of my own.

In fact, growing up my mother always scared me into abstinence, saying that fertility ran in our genes, and unless I wanted a baby, I better wait until I was married. Never would I have thought that at 29 years old, two and a half years into marriage, that it would be difficult to have a child. Never. But it is.

While I know that this is a sensitive topic for many women, and every mom’s story looks different, mine starts with several months of trying, followed by a miscarriage. If you are part of the club, the club that no woman ever wants to be a part of, then you automatically know a lot of the emotions I have felt over the last couple of months. But, for those of you who have not had a miscarriage, here are some quick lessons I learned through my experience:

1.      Community is Key.

I know that a lot of women choose to be very private about their pregnancy and miscarriage experiences. In this instance, it is absolutely a personal decision that each couple should make. But for me, while hard to share, telling people was the only way that I could process and begin to heal. There is no perfect thing for someone to say, but just knowing that people are praying for you, available to be a comfort when you need it, and understand why you seem “off” is a big part of why my husband and I shared our story early on to family and friends.

2.      No One Experience is the Same.

I’ve heard before that two of the most comforting words in the English language are “me too.” And while in many instances I agree with that sentiment, to me, this instance was not one of them. While I know many moms before me, and many after me, will have miscarriages, I believe each mom’s instance is different, because it was hers. Her experience, her child, her loss of a dream, etc. It’s important to know this, because when the time comes for me to comfort a friend who has gone through the same experience, it is not for me to say “that was just like my experience.” Instead, I will tell her I am so sorry for her loss, listen to her as she processes the emotions that come along with the loss, and check in on her and let her know I am thinking about her.

3.      Every Body is Different.

I grew up being told that I was fertile and that pregnancy would come easy. What I have learned through this process is that while genetics play a strong role in many things, every woman’s body is different. Just because my mother popped out five kids and made it look easy, doesn’t mean it will be that way for me. Realizing that I have no control when it comes to fertility helps me let go of “my plans” and instead embrace my journey.

As my husband and I continue down our journey together, we now have a stronger bond with each other and a more realistic view of the miracle of life. Our strengthened marriage has been our silver lining in this whole experience.

For those of you who have been through a miscarriage, what have you learned through the process? I’d love to hear from you.