My husband and I moved back to Dallas 7 years ago and from the second our feet were firmly planted back in North Texas, I have felt a panic to make friends.
We had to make friends when we were newlyweds, so we could gain perspective.
We had to make friends when we were pregnant with our first so we could commiserate with understanding people.
We had to make friends when our son was born so that he could have lifelong best friends.
We had to make friends when our second was born, so that he would have lifelong friends.
For almost 7 years, I have honestly been in an anxiety-stricken panic to get out and make new friends ASAP so that I wouldn’t scar my kids for life by not providing friends for them.
You know what? It’s exhausting.
And, it doesn’t work.
About two months ago, I just stopped trying to make new friends. I would like to say that it was for noble reasons, but really I was just sick of not fitting in, sick of people not calling me back and sick of constantly looking at the horizon to see what new friends might be coming our way.
So I just stopped.
I stopped feeling an intense pressure to sign up for every single event that came our way. I stopped going to playgroups where no one talked to me (because come on, a playgroup is just a grown up version of high school where you are in one day and out the next). I stopped looking for more classes to sign my kids up for.
And you know what happened? Well, nothing really. Except that my life became much happier. When the stress of trying to make new friends so that I wouldn’t ruin my kids lives forever by not providing them with lifelong friends faded away, a certain peacefulness settled into our home.
We play more. We walk to the park. We make messes and don’t pick them up right away. We make last minute plans to spend time with the amazing friends we already have.
And you know what? It really has been the best few months our little family has had in a long while. I am pretty certain that I won’t ruin my sons’ lives if they don’t have a play date set up every day of the week with someone their same age so that they can be BFF’s for life. I’m positive that by choosing to stay home with my husband at night and limiting all screen time so that we can actually communicate will yield high dividends in the long run.
By choosing to focus on “the here and now” and the thankfulness of this exact stage of life that we are in, has freed up our lives in ways I never thought possible.
Do I still wish we had more friends? Of course. Is it the end of the world? Of course not. Today is a gift and tomorrow is not promised. So I will choose to focus on the little souls that fill my home with laughter and joy and leave worrying about our future friendships for someone else.
The funniest thing has happened. Since I stopped panicking about making friends, I have met some of the nicest people. I don’t know if I just missed them in my panic stricken years or now that I have relaxed a bit, people find me more enjoyable.
I hear you! What is up with people not calling back or canceling at the last minute. I guess I am just a women of my word and if I say I am going to do something I do. I have given up on making new friends too. It is hard to find people who are worthy of friendship these days.
I’m glad I am not the only one who still believes that calling people back and last minute cancellations are rude. Obviously with kiddos anything can happen at the last minute and you have to cancel, but a call or a text back isn’t hard! It’s really been amazing when I stopped trying, I looked around and realized how stressed I had made myself. I am loving taking the time to enjoy the wonderful friends I do have and trusting that the right friends will come our way eventually!
Laura- I feel the same way you do. I moved to Richardson a year ago and had the experiences. Thank you for sharing yours and letting me know I am not the only one who feels this way.
Isn’t it crazy how just hearing that someone else is in the same boat as us, makes everything feel better? I’ve been so encouraged by all the comments and it’s so reassuring to know I’m not alone 🙂
Laura, can I be your friend!? Lol. I’m about to become a stay at home mom and I am freaked out!! My kids are 4 and 2.5 and I have always worked. The thought of staying home has given me anxiety attacks! Not because I don’t love my kids but because I have no freaking clue what we will do. All. Day. Every. Single. Day! Please send good vibes my way come November 10!
Staying at home is the BEST! I mean, there are days where it is pull your hair out can I have wine at 4pm. BUT, it is such a treasure to be at home with my kiddos when they are so young. You can do it!! We all believe in you 🙂
LOL!! Brittny, can I be your friend?! I just moved to the Dallas area from Austin and am a SAHM for the first time, too. My kiddos are 4.5 and 1. I got my oldest into a preschool, but that hasn’t magically landed me all the mom friends I had imagined it would. It has not been easy figuring this out. I am definitely still struggling with finding a balance, but it is nice to know, if only a little discouraging, that pro moms still have to work on it, too!
Thank you for courageously sharing this blog. Sometimes I have been so discouraged. I am still struggling with this issue. The truth is nothing I have done has worked, just having faith in people coming into your life is really the only way. I have two shy children, thankfully my daughter has lots of friends at school. One thing that has kept me busy has been getting involved in Girl Scouts. It is a lot of work, however I fully believe that girls need extra help navigating success and friendships in todays society. Thanks again, it makes me think, somewhere out there are women looking for a friend like me.
Hey Laura,
Its wonderful to know that there are people out here in this city with the same feeling. Your blog is a candid outpour of several women who are new to this city and are at home. We are newly married and I am new to this country,I have been going to all the bingo games and all the events that my apartment throws,yet haven’t been able to get more than a smile from people. Folks here are so busy with their lives and their own group of friends that they don’t ,unlike us ,need more people. Its been four months and I have only met wise elderly women who I talk to and are friends with me. It has been extremely hard for me to find one and everyday I wake up thinking, ‘Today, I shall meet some people and make a few friends’ but alas,all in vain. It is so reasurring to read this. Reckon I should start focusing on things I can do.
I love your blog and it’s nice to know that another Mom is going through the same thing I am in another side of the country. We live in Florida and a year ago I moved from a big city to a smaller one that provides my family more quality time and not hassle. I felt like I struggled to make friends before kids and after. You are right I go to playdates but what is the point if you don’t interact with anyone, I can play with my kids at home and believe my house s way more fun…lol. I also don’t fit in because I am not a moms night out person. My kids 4 and 1 and I felt like I have scheduled them into too many activities with the notion in mind that I am giving them the opportunity to make lifelong friends. Who am I kidding? I honestly stopped trying it’s not worth it especially when you are an introvert and don’t know how things work. I love staying at home with my kids and wouldn’t trade it for anything. Thank you for your honest opinion
Thank you for writing this! I was beginning to wonder… what is wrong with me that I’m not making any friends here! I’ve given up too… but I’m still happy as ever and my kids are happy too! That’s all that matters to me!
It’s now 2018…your article was extremely helpful!
I’m an introvert, single mom. I’m guessing I’m socially awkward too with a dash of weird humor. Transplant to Texas (love it) Talk about the perfect storm for not being able to keep and make friends!
Like you I want to make sure my kids have friends. Well, they can have friends, it doesnt mean the parents of their friends will be any more than acquaintances.
I’ve self reflected a lot too trying to understand what it may be about me (I could be irritating, a flake, etc) that makes others not continue to build a friendship.
I am older and have been single my whole life, no kids. I have had this problem most of my life. I have given the shirt off my back to some people, then they turn around and stab you in the back. I am on my own little ranch with my animals. Gave up a while ago. I know how you feel, like what’s wrong with me?
I couldn’t make friends in Junior High all the way to adulthood. When you do make friends they lie hurt you and take advantage of your nice kind person that you are ! So I gave up it doesn’t make since to keep TRYING if this continues !