This is the type of post you come up with when your four year old is learning to identify his letters, your almost two year old’s favorite song is “The ABC’s”, and you’ve been pregnant 113 of the last 260 weeks… 🙂
A is for Acid reflux. Which yes, in my daughter’s case did result in a full head of hair, but not hair that stuck around for long!
B is for Breast changes. Small, big, bigger, uneven, droopy… I don’t think VS is going to renew my contract this year.
C is for Cankles. Which weren’t so bad with my November baby… I have a feeling the compression socks will look a little funny with my shorts in June
D is for Dry skin. Oh the itchiness and the money spent on lotion that barely made an impact.
E is for Eyesight changes. Did you know it’s not uncommon for hormones to affect the curvature in a woman’s eyes, in some cases leading to needing glasses temporarily? This is also why LASIK eye surgery isn’t recommended until after hormones have returned to normal.
F is for Food aversions. It’s bad enough to be nauseated the whole first trimester, but just the thought of Chinese or seafood brings those feelings back at any time.
G is for Gum sensitivity/bleeding. This luckily hasn’t happened to me, but unfortunately, I get the next one every time…
H is for Hemorrhoids. I told my husband last week that my decision whether to stop after this baby or not may hinge entirely on how uncomfortable my booty is by the end…
I is for Ice addiction. I was slightly anemic with my daughter and my husband bought me enough sonic ice to cause him to Google “sonic ice makers” for purchase.
J is for Just enough working brain cells to remember to breathe; few left for any other sort of productivity.
K is for Killer mood swings. Luckily my family loves me. A lot.
L is for Leg cramps. I’m probably dehydrated or something, but this time they’ve been bad enough for me to Google “leg pain caused by blood clot?”
M is for Migraines. Because nothing like trying to avoid any sort of medicine and then getting a headache that resembles the one David gave Goliath.
N is for Nausea. duh.
O is for an Over-sensitive sense of smell. My husband used to think I was crazy, but now he knows I’m just a bloodhound and when I say “I smell _____”, I’m right.
P is for Pelvic Pain. Oh my gosh. Apparently, the relaxin hormone that should prepare my pelvis for delivery has made my body so loose this time around, that it’s pulling by back all out of whack and is creating major pain in my booty. Literally. And the solution is to do Kegels, which I don’t ever remember to do because of pregnancy brain.
Q is for Questionable food cravings. There’s a reason pickles and ice cream have the reputation they do.
R is for Recti muscle separation. I probably have this and probably am just going to start looking into plastic surgeons.
S is for Stretch marks. These I have, but because I’m as pale as a Cullen and I scar light instead of dark, don’t wear bikinis (remember, VS let me go), and I read one time that Salma Hayek calls her stretch marks her tiger stripes, they don’t bother me much!
T is for Tiredness. Which is ironically accompanied by…
U is for Unable to sleep/stay asleep. Which is cruel considering what little sleep you get after the baby is born.
V is for Varicose Veins. Am I going to have to have vein surgery in addition to my tummy tuck and boob lift?!
W is for Water retention. In my feet is bad, in my face is worse. Luckily it seems to happen slowly so I don’t notice until I look at pictures later and then realize I looked like the Pillsbury dough boy the last trimester.
X is for Xcessive potty trips. Which at this point is less because I have to pee and more because the emptier my bladder is, the less likely I am to pee when I sneeze.
Y is for Yucky taste in your mouth. Because tasting copper makes sense.
Z is for Zits. As if the first 25 things weren’t enough, we end up looking like we’re in middle school!
I hope you read this with the dry, sarcastic tone it was written in, because there is literally nothing on earth I would rather be than pregnant. My baby bump is my favorite accessory and my previous loss has taught me to cherish every single uncomfortable moment. And at the end of 9 months of these symptoms, you get these sweet faces.
And a lifetime of a whole ‘nother alphabet worth of aches and pains 😉
