I feel like a marriage series would be missing something if we didn’t discuss one of it’s most important topics (if not the most important) — SEX {tactfully, I hope}.
Most specifically — sex after kids. And, let’s be honest, just how hard it is! (No pun intended. There goes my tact already! ;))
As you might be able to imagine – at 32 weeks pregnant, with a toddler who never slows down, my step-kids staying with us for a month, and a part time job – finding time (and energy) for a shower is difficult. Finding time and energy for intimacy – nearly impossible.
And I’m sure I’m not alone. Being a wife and mother can just be exhausting! More often than not I fall asleep putting Miles to sleep. Or I can think of a thousand excuses for not ‘being in the mood.’
Even though there are many excuses to not have sex tonight – there’s one SUPER important reason to just do it already!
I want to stay connected to my husband. As I mentioned, life with kids is BUSY! I’m running to work, doctor appointments, summer movies with the kids, the grocery store, the pool. Tony just started a new job and is building presentations at midnight and taking business calls on his days off. Because we are so busy it’s that much more difficult to feel connected to one another. Sure, we have dinner together most nights and do stuff together as a family, but because there are so many kids and activities to focus on – it’s hard to really feel and stay connected to one another. Of course we can schedule date night (and we do), but nothing makes me feel as close to my husband as physical intimacy. It’s a quick fix (again, no pun intended), but it’s an effective one. That “after intimacy glow” we both get makes us feel like an unbreakable team. And I love that feeling.
But HOW?! How do you keep the spark going after kids and while being exhausted and/or pregnant OR when you’ve just gotten out of the habit (it happens to us all). There are lots of great suggestions online and in marriage books. But these are the ones that work for us.
Compliment one another often! When I look at that picture of us from our honeymoon I cringe. Much to my dismay, I just do not look like that any more. I’m not as thin or young. I have more wrinkles and much more gray in my hair. But to hear my husband compliment me today, you’d think I look better. And while I know that’s not true, he really tries to make me feel beautiful every single day. And let’s face it, it’s hard to be in the mood without feeling sexy. It’s also hard to feel sexy in sweat pants and with greasy hair. Even just changing out of my yoga pants and taking my hair out of the ponytail (as my mother never fails to suggest) goes a long way!
Make the most out of date night. Maybe it should go without saying, but scheduling date night is the perfect time to schedule something else too. It’s difficult to be spontaneous when I fall asleep on the couch or Tony is working late. Date night is the perfect time to plan on intimacy. It doesn’t have to happen, but if it’s a part of the agenda – that’s two birds with one stone. Connecting emotionally and physically all in one evening — it’s a win-win!
On that note – finding time for sex is probably our number one problem. The solution? Be creative and flexible. As you might imagine, living in a one room loft with no bedrooms or doors has presented it’s share of problems over the years. We learned from the start the importance of shower sex. And letting the TV babysit Miles. Or taking advantage of nap times! Sometimes you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do whenever you can do it. Which brings me to my next point…
Try to say yes even if you’d rather say no. At least sometimes. Even if the stars aren’t aligned and you don’t feel sexy and you’re exhausted and have a headache – when one person makes a move don’t miss out on the opportunity. I always think of a line from How I Met Your Mother that was funny because it’s true. Robin compares something to “when Ted convinces her to have sex even though she doesn’t feel like it and she starts off begrudgingly, but then she always ends up liking it by the end.” Confession — at 7.5 months pregnant, sex isn’t at the top of my to do list. But any time Tony has initiated and I (somewhat reluctantly) agree — I have never regretted it!
PDA and Snuggle. When it’s hard to find the time for sex, it can be even harder to find the time for foreplay. Sometimes you have to just cut to the chase, but if you try and spend time showing your affection physically throughout the day – it can really help. Kiss and hug often. Snuggle on the couch while watching TV. Hold hands in the car. Keep connected during the day and it’ll help with the transition to intimacy when you finally do have a full 15 minutes thanks to Team Umizoomi later that day.
I’d love to know if you have any other suggestions for making intimacy a priority in your marriage! We have our ups and downs like most marriages, and I’m sure once baby number 2 comes along things will get even more challenging. I want to decide now to make sex after kids a top priority in our marriage! And hopefully, that decision alone will be half the battle.
