Rejecting the Mommy Guilt

I spend a lot of time feeling mommy guilt about not being the mother I think I should be.  And I don’t know you, but if you are a mom, I think it’s a fair bet to say that you do too.  There is so much information out there about the 10,000 ways that we are potentially messing up this motherhood gig that it is hard not to obsess over all the things we could be doing wrong- potentially sending our children into a lifetime of expensive therapy. We cover ourselves in mommy guilt because we are not living up to our own unreal expectations.

One of the things I spend the most time mommy guilt-ing myself about is not being “present” enough in my kids lives.  Am I on my phone too much? Am I not enjoying the small cute things that they do enough?  Do I not spend enough time cherishing each second that I get to be with my precious daughters?

But recently, I spent a spectacular afternoon with my girls.  I put down my phone and I watched and relished in the time I had with them.  We spent a few wonderful hours at Tietze park enjoying an unseasonably warm day.  They were on great behavior, getting along well with the other kids at the park, and making up some really elaborate games of pretend.  Most of the time I had no idea what they were doing except that they were having the time of their lives picking “four-leaf clovers” for a “recipe” and throwing them into the giant storm drain thingy randomly in the middle of the big park field.

At one point they set up a stand selling bark chips to the other children while calling out “Coconuts! Coconut Milk! Coconut Pie!”  Which was particularly random because I am not sure they have ever eaten a coconut and I am positive they have never had a coconut pie.  But it was adorable. I just watched their little minds creating these epic fantasies that my grown up brain doesn’t have the room to understand.  I found myself staring up into the impossibly blue sky and throwing out a thank you for the peace and joy of that afternoon.  I finally got a glimpse of what four might be like. I have heard mom legend that it is a tranquil oasis after three- to be honest, there were moments this year that I wasn’t sure I was going to make it.  

I found myself truly enjoying being a parent that afternoon.  And then soaking in that because it happens a lot more rarely than I would like to admit.  Because parenting is hard.  Being a mostly stay-at-home mom is brutal some days.  It is repetitive and frustrating and messy and loud.  And I don’t know about you, but I have spent way too much time chastising myself for not loving every second of being with my kids.  For being the mom who dropped them off on their first day of preschool not with tears, but with a happy dance, and promptly rushed to a quiet home to take the longest, most glorious shower of my entire life.  I know that one day my kids will be grown and I will ache for these days that now seem endless and tiresome.  That I won’t constantly have littles hanging on me, and that I will long for cuddles and kisses from my girls, but there are still days when I just can’t. I reach the end of my patience and I am literally counting the minutes until my husband gets home.  When he walks in the door and I put my hands up and say “I’m done” and let him do all of bath and bedtime because I don’t want to spend one more minute with them.

And then later I feel like an awful mom because I should want to spend all the minutes with them, right?!

No.  No one should want to spend every second of every day with their kids.  If I did that I would become a shell of a human being with no opinions other than if we should watch the “Emerald Key” or the “Jade Jaguar” episode of Sofia the First for the ten-thousandth time.  And I want to be a fully realized woman, who has a strong sense of self, and who takes time to pursue my passions and to have my own interests and a life outside of my kids.  I want them to know that I will always be there for them but that sometimes I will take time for myself too.  I want them to see me living my best and most authentic life so that they can realize theirs.

So right now I am making a vow that I will stop (or at least try to stop) feeling mommy guilt about having days when I don’t like being a stay at home mom.  I will stop feeling guilty that sometimes I let things slip because I just can’t fight one more battle.  I will feel good about my proud parenting moments and be gentle with myself about my fails.

I am rejecting the mommy guilt and I invite you to do it with me.

Kid went to school with hair unbrushed wearing the same shirt he wore yesterday, and slept in?  I say you got him to school so that one’s a win.

All you have been able to get your toddler to eat today is Cheetos and marshmallows?  Eh…she takes a vitamin, you’re good.

Had too many glasses of wine at moms night out and nap on the couch while the kiddos watch an all day marathon of a super-weird Netflix show where a little Russian girl seems to have no parental supervision and spends all her time tormenting a retired circus bear?  Um… it’s cultural immersion.  I am pretty sure they had borscht in one episode. (This one may or may not be taken from my own recent experience.)

So grab those beautiful moments with your children and relish them when they occur, but stop beating yourself up if some days you fall short of being a perfect mom.  There is no perfect mom, some of us just hide our mess better than others.  

Oh and by the way, that awesome afternoon I spent with the kids ended when one of my daughters ran up to me saying, “Mommy, look I’m flossing,” while actually flossing her teeth with dental floss she found in the wood chips.  Yup, me again for the parenting win!