My closest friends know that I treat the (supremely flawed) show Sex and the City like my own personal self-help book, occasional best friend, and security blanket all rolled into one. And while I wouldn’t call myself a Carrie (despite the sudden realization that I’m actually writing this “column” for a city “paper” right now…whoa), I do in fact own a gold name necklace, a la the one Carrie frantically lost before finding in her purse in Paris on the final episode. I’m not much of a jewelry-wearing person, and styles come and go, but over the years I wore this necklace everyday and it became a part of me, an identity marker.When our daughter was born, my partner got me a new necklace, similarly gold but in the shape of a bear with Mama in script and our daughter’s name on the back. I happily stuffed my shiny moniker pretty into a proverbial Parisian purse, and dove into proudly wearing my Mama Bear adornment exclusively in the name of parenthood.
As time passed, that mama bear necklace started to feel like a string of weights around my neck. I found myself tucking it under my shirt and wondering if I really needed to wear it every single day. I started to leave it behind in my jewelry tray for days. I know, it’s just a necklace. But all of the sudden it felt like something more, constrictive. Before I knew it, it was tucked into my jewelry box and I was wearing my name again.
Nobody prepares you for the phase of parenthood that you enter as your child moves through toddlerhood. As their independence blossoms, yours forcefully peeks its head back onto the scene as well. Some days you may feel melancholy that your baby is growing up, but more days you see a light at the end of the tunnel, and behind that light a shadow that looks like yours. Yet different. Like any other time one goes to battle (and Lordy, this non-sleeping child has been a full-fledged war), we don’t come out of it the same person we went in. Complete and selfless devotion to your child is beautiful and inspiring, until all of the sudden it’s not.
Nobody prepares you for the resentment that creeps in once we lay our cards on the table and say out loud in wine-filled whispers to our closest friends that it sometimes feels like parenthood is swallowing us. And how that very feeling brings an even deeper pain, crushing guilt for feeling that way in the first place. How I feel like snatching that mama necklace off sometimes and wearing my old one defiantly, yet other times the beautiful heaviness of being someone’s everything makes me squeeze the clasp around my neck, even as I blankly stare into space. Spending your days managing someone else’s happiness at the expense of your own seems absurd, until it’s your everyday.
I know there’s a balance to be found between the two necklaces, and that’s part of the journey. The person who wore my name on my neck before our daughter joined us doesn’t really exist anymore. That’s an easy pill to swallow for the first year of parenthood, because it’s expected. As with any intense new job that requires all your time and energy, it’s not surprising when you see yourself change, it comes with the territory. But this change that happens when you become a parent is different becuase it’s permanent. When you catch your breath and look around, you realize there is no going back.
I will keep on working on finding my hybrid self (maybe I’m more of a Miranda now?), one necklace at a time. I can’t help but wonder if there is metaphorical room in my jewelry box for both necklaces, I just need to get fully comfortable with both parts of me. Or I could always just get a new one that says “Tired” and start from scratch.
I love this… we do loose some/a lot of us when we have kids and become, in my case Matthew & Ben’s mom. There is nothing wrong with wanting to keep a little thing that makes you feel you, not mom. I have a necklace that my husband gave me for Mother’s Day a few years back. Beautiful, with the kids birthstones and their name engraved. Like you said, I wore it religiously every day, but then it went back to the jewelry drawer. Now I wear it from time to time, but not everyday.
See it like this… just as we need Girls Night Out to keep our sanity every now and then, wear your necklace when you need to feel yourself. 🙂
Thanks for your sweet comment! It’s a learning curve, right? And nothing better to help speed it up is a ladies night for sure. 🙂
I needed to read this today. After a week of my toddler being sick, extra needy, needing way more sleep than he gets, and rarely getting a break for myself I lost it today with my husband. It’s hard- parenting is hard. I love my little boy, but I need to be an individual too. I NEED to be more than a mom and wife. And my necklace would say “tired” too… I never knew I could be this tired ALL THE TIME. My kid prefers play over sleep
I am with you, mama! And this stage of life is rough…and we tend to take it out on our partner so that we don’t take it out on our little hurricanes. Hang in there, hope you got to catch up on some sleep. 🙂