One Day, I Will Want To Go Back….

On any given day I have multiple moments of panic, stress and anxiety when thinking about things like work, schedules, nannies, meals, lessons and never ending mom guilt. At least 10 times a day I think to myself, can I do this? Am I going crazy? And each time I can only come up with these answers. Yes and yes.  Yes I can do this. Not really sure how but every day life just tends to miraculously work out. And yes I am going crazy because I work full time in the corporate world, have a new start up company, am a mom, a wife and oh yeah my 3 kids are 4 and younger. However, the panic I was having this particular night was different. It’s a full blown freak out moment. I was frantically searching and tearing apart my entire house for one thing. A heart shaped pendant that had my 4 year old’s thumb print in it. He gave it to me for Mothers Day and said I needed to get a necklace to put it on so I could wear it forever. It was now June and I finally bought a chain for it. Only one problem, the heart was gone. Literally NO WHERE TO BE FOUND.

I thought about his sweet smiling face when I picked him up from school one day and he had it all wrapped up and couldn’t wait to give it to me. The look on his face when I opened it and how proud he was to give it to me. And now it’s gone.

As I am digging through every nook and cranny in the house like a mad woman, all I am thinking about is how sad my first born would be to know I lost his heart. The one with his fingerprint. The one he made just for me and painted it red because red is my (his) favorite color.  It got me thinking about so many sweet simple moments with all of my children that get lost in the shuffle of day to day life with 3 toddlers. People tell me all the time that I will be so happy that they are all close in age. “You’re in the trenches now but it will get better.” I know they are right but I can’t help but think of all the moments that are passing me by now that I will never get back. How my oldest whispers to me all the time “mommy you’re so awful pretty.”  How when I am driving he constantly asks me if I am going the “speed lemon” because I got a ticket once with him in the car. How my middle loves me to rock him, hold him, eskimo kiss him. The softest touch of his hands as he gently pats my back while I hold him. His sweet baby voice when he says “I wuv you.” How my baby just started walking and gets so excited to see me, how he nuzzles his head sheepishly into my neck when he’s tired. How he is waving and starting to talk and literally says “ga ga goo goo” which I have never really heard a baby do.

Having 3 kids so close together has made me take for granted all of these moments that are gone in the blink of an eye. I find myself praying for the time to pass quickly so that we can go to restaurants, or on a “real” vacation.  I have taken everything for granted and haven’t gotten to really be “in” the moment with any of them and that makes me want to ball my eyes out. For I know the day is coming that these 3 boys will no longer be toddlers and will no longer want me to hold them, or tell me I’m pretty, or be so excited to just be in my presence. I am in the best part of life right now but it’s too hard to notice, much less enjoy.

Will I ever regret having these 3 boys so close together? No way. They love each other more than anything. Will I want to come back to this moment in time one day when I realize how unimportant work, schedules, activities, emails are? When I know I could come back and really absorb all these moments knowing how soon they will be gone? You bet.

I will be wearing my gold, heartless chain every day from here on out to serve as a reminder of what is really important, to live in the moment and make as many memories as I can…because in the blink of an eye, they will be gone. And I will never be able to go back.