I took several child development classes in college and learned about the theories of men like Piaget, Freud, and Erikson. They all classified development into stages with differing perspectives on what changed from one stage to the next. Recently it occurred to me to refresh my memory with what those stages are about, and see if it had any correlation to my newfound and increasing frustration with motherhood… I won’t say that this knowledge magically fixed all of my issues, but it did give me a bit of perspective worth sharing!
For instance, this is my jam…
From about birth to 18ish months I am a happy camper! Seriously. I prefer the craziness of a newborn with constant nursing and sleeplessness to this…
And these are just a few pictures of tears, not the times he ignored me, told me no, or his latest retort, “NEVER!” Which honestly makes me laugh more than anything else. And I will go ahead and make the disclaimer that my son is a DELIGHT and is so fun, clever, thoughtful, helpful, and loving. But he’s also three.
Sure enough, Piaget classifies this age as preoperational, with qualities such as egocentrism and lacking logical reasoning… Yup yup yup. Erickson puts him in between the early childhood and play/preschool stages, with keywords being will, autonomy, self-control, independence, assertion of control and power, self-sufficiency… Yup yup yup.
Wait, what? You’re telling me this is normal? Well of course, and I knew that. But seeing those words in black and white helped it click for me. He is being a stinker because he is THREE. He is learning and growing and changing and his personality is developing. (Did you know studies show a child’s personality is mostly developed by 1st grade?)
I have friends who love the preschool years. I don’t. Well I do, but I love the preschool years of other people’s children (I am a Preschool Director, after all)! In my own family, my control issues and need for predictability and order make this stage very difficult for me. Babies are pretty simple creatures, and their needs are (for me) easy to fulfill. I can deal with only a few hours of sleep better than I can deal with twelve hours of a three year old butting heads with me at every turn.
So I’m trying to be patient. Patient with my son, who really is amazing and I just need to teach him obedience without breaking his spirit. Patient with myself, because I have a lot of growing to do, and I know I will be a better parent if I can learn to let it go a little and help him through this stage instead of trying to force him to be something he isn’t ready to be yet. And patient with the passage of time, because although so many times I wish he was older and beyond this stage, what I really want is to freeze time. Every day is one I will never get back so I need to get my perspective right so I can savor it.
So if you’re frustrated with the stage you’re in fellow parent, take heart. It will pass. If you, like me, struggle with the three’s, know that four looks pretty good. And five even better. Or if you aren’t a newborn or baby person, they really do get SO fun before you know it. Just like these children go through stages of development, us parents do too, and for every season of stress and frustration there is a season of joy and fun!
Our pediatrician told me, “3 is worse than 14 or 2. Nothing you do will be right, get used to that. Find a good babysitter so you get a break.” We survived, youngest is 14. He was right. Take heart, I have 24 three year olds in my care during the course of the day. I have to remember to laugh!