I don’t have many regrets in life. But, I sincerely wish I could rewind time and have a do-over with my firstborn. Why? In a word (although technically it should be two): Babywise.
In fact, I’d be so bold as to say that Babywise (a method of sleep training found in a book by same name by author Gary Ezzo) made my first six months of motherhood miserable and may have contributed to some of the insecurities I see surfacing as the child I subjected to this method ages.
My perspective on this subject is somewhat unique in that I had four babies within a window of five years. Though I have friends that claim both “victories” and “failures” using the system, I feel my condensed childbearing timeline gave me a special opportunity to test Babywise’s methods against others (mainly trusting my instincts).
My story is a common one. A friend recommended the book because it worked for them. I was entering unchartered territory and desperate. So, I’d read anything I could get my hands on.
To a brand new mom, sleeping through the night is that big elusive milestone. It seems the sooner your children reach it the bigger the “motherhood merit badge” you earn. The concept of following a method to meet that goal sounded delightful.
That’s what Babywise offered. So, I bit.
There was a certain degree of logic to it. The book knew exactly how to appeal to me. It lured in the part of me that desperately longed to have a child without changing my comfortable “childless” life at all.
It also convinced me (temporarily) that the problems in the world today are created by how “baby-centric” parents become. Since I didn’t want to raise a selfish child, it only made sense to demand this creation of mine to fall in line.
The problem was Babywise didn’t work at all like it should have. Instead of realizing that maybe the system (or the author and his theories) were at fault, I blamed myself. Already struggling with some degree of post partum depression, I faced a rough reality check. Parenting was going to be a lot harder than I ever dreamed.
My first few months with Babywise resulted in a stressed out, frazzled, demoralized, depressed new mom whose perceived failure at having the Babywise method work was just another strike against her.
I had acquaintances that swore by it…touting the only way they could do it (turn off their instincts to follow Babywise that is) was to go outside and talk on the phone or get in the shower and turn on music. This would drown out the cries. They encouraged me to do the same…it would be “hard” on me but “good” for the baby.
Now, I think about this advice as preposterous. If my four-year-old needed me because he was hurting or scared and I went outside so I couldn’t hear him crying…that would be cruel, right? Or, better yet, if I was sad, lonely, hungry, or just feeling insecure and I was crying in bed and my husband got in the shower to tune me out, that would sound like abuse, wouldn’t it?
The challenge for most new mothers (myself included) is that I didn’t know whether or not I could, or should, trust those instincts. I was paralyzed with fear that I would do it wrong. Simultaneously I was concerned that I didn’t even know what “wrong” was in this arena. I was more tired than I had ever been in my entire life. So, I bounced between reading the book desperately to figure out what page I must have missed or what I must have been messing up to get it to work correctly and cursing the book for making me so miserable.
After encouragement from my mother (who read the book and thought it was insane) to experiment with things like feeding to sleep, napping in the swing, and co-sleeping, things started to go a little better. Oh, and my almost three month old son–who had gotten so frustrated he had taken to head banging–stopped that behavior as soon as I gave up the Babywise method and started answering his cries.
It was very hard to quit though. I felt tremendously guilty for not following the book and was concerned that like the book promised, once I put the baby in our bed he’d be in there until he was at least 12. But, I was at the point of desperation. I needed some sleep. He needed some sleep. And, (shockingly) her suggestions were working better than Mr. Ezzo’s.
I also recognized that my son had some digestive issues. (Four children later I’m able to diagnose exactly what they were better than any of my firstborn’s pediatricians ever could.) In addition to his problem with acidic foods and dairy, because of the Babywise feeding rules, I was way over feeding the little guy. Truth is, it’s impossible to know this stuff as a new mom. I was so concerned about him gaining weight and going to bed full that the thought of him eating too much and that causing digestive issues never crossed my mind.
Baby two came just 16 months after baby number one. This time I followed my gut. She slept in the swing frequently. If she fell asleep while eating I’d put her down. She slept through the night at five months old and, although we co-slept when needed those first few months, never slept in our bed after six months of age.
Is Babywise completely ineffective for everyone? No. I do have friends that will still swear that it worked for them. (I know some of you reading this are thinking you had no troubles with it.)
But, mommy friends, looking back I think this method is scary dangerous. And, although it may be getting some children to sleep through the night faster, the long term consequences are real and far more important than that first “sleeping through the night” milestone. You can’t think about what your child will be like at six or seven when all you want is to make it through the first year. But, let me encourage you that your parenting isn’t finished when they start sleeping. It’s only just begun…
Some recent studies have come out about the consequences of having infants cry it out and what happens when our newborns don’t attach well. Beyond that, this study explains how you aren’t really training an infant to sleep when you don’t respond to cries. Instead, the baby’s neurological system shuts down from frustration and sleep follows.
These reports cite correlations with more stressed out and anxious children later. I can attest to this. I see differences between my Babywise baby and my other children. My oldest displays more fear, has a more difficult time with expressing emotion, and is very guarded.
Of course, I understand that each child has a unique personality and that maybe that’s his natural bent. But, as I read the reports like this one on the impact of systems like this, I can’t help but see some similarities in my now-seven year old.
Being a mom is the hardest job I’ve ever had. And, like most new moms, I was desperate for some guidance on how to do it “right.” But, I think we moms, at all stages, have to free ourselves of that pressure. There isn’t a right way or a wrong way. There is your way and there is my way.
Every child we have added to our family has done some degree of messing up the rhythms for the rest of the family. Everyone has had to adjust as each new baby has come along. The Babywise method of make the baby fit you just doesn’t make any sense to me, at any level, anymore. Scheduling has some merit…routine has lots of merit… But, Babywise as a comprehensive system to be followed to the tee, is a bad idea.
Now, on the other side of newborns, I certainly wish I had researched more about the author, his background and lack of credentials before I put my child through his system. I’m embarrassed that I trusted this unknown man to tell me how to raise my newborn.
I hope you’ll do the same and avoid my regrets.
To read a counter opinion, check out Why I Stuck With Babywise.
Perhaps a mother has already given advice in previous comments above, but can someone please advise me on how to get a baby to sleep at about 6 months? I’m a new mother to a 4-month baby girl and have done some trial and error, but overall, hate the idea of letting a baby cry it out! I’ve let my baby cry for about 7 minutes, just because I’m unsure of what to do. and there were a few times where I let her cry for 15 minutes, and felt so awful, that I told myself I’d start to work with her sleep at 6 months and decided to bag any sort of CIO until atleast 6 months. I am still unsure of how to break her and not sure if I even like the CIO idea at 6 months either. I’m only thinking 6 months, because that’s what most research has suggested. She just turned 4 months, and I started co-sleeping with her at 3 months because I was so tired of doing the nursing until she fell asleep and then transferring her to the bassinet. It was literally taking hours every night to get her to sleep and she woke up EVERY time I moved her! It was exhausting! It also got me on a terrible sleep schedule, so I started co sleeping when she turned 3 months old, just so I didn’t have to transfer her anymore, and could let her stay asleep. I’m afraid it’s just going to make it that much harder to break though, and don’t know how to break it. Any advise for a desperate, new mother, would be much appreciated. Thank you in advance!
I used BW with my 13 year old as a newborn and found that it helped him regulate very well. He had digestive issues (a lot of reflux) but this was day in and day out and certainly not caused by getting a full feeding of breastmilk vs a small feeding. He now has food allergies and we just didn’t know back then. He is a high intensity child and always been low on the growth curve- healthy, but small. If he hadn’t gotten full feedings he could’ve been FTT. So I was very thankful for learning how to do this. The Baby Whisperer uses a very similar routine. It is a routine, that’s all. Ezzo says throughout the book to trust your instincts. I think that a parent who is exhausted, doesn’t have support or a sounding board, and is insecure or depressed is putting too much pressure on themselves or this book. It is a guide (and the 45 minute intruder during naps is a very real thing- my sister and I have 5 kid between us, all of them had that!). My13 year old is very athletic,all honors classes, and a bit on the hyper/impulsive side. I don’t think any of this good or bad has anything to do with how I got him into a good rhythm as a baby- feed/wake/sleep-wise. I am impulsive, and he gets athleticism from his Dad and his honors classes from all of his genes. I have no idea why this critique focuses on cry it out. Yes we did a little of that, but only when he was trying to change the schedule too much, as in not take a nap at all. He just needed to know it was time, and it wasn’t his decision. Not of course when he was ill, or in a new environment, or if it lasted too long. For my child, he needed to yell a few minutes to get all that leftover energy out before he could rest. It worked for us.
This article is SPOT ON and exactly right in every way. Trust your instincts, tend to your baby. Don’t worry about schedules. They aren’t little long. Enjoy them!!! The MAN who wrote this has never been a mother. YOU ARE the mother of your little one. No one knows better than YOU.
Bottom line is this! Babies need their mother! I too have friends who use babywise and love it! Let’s take a look at nature. We are the only mammals (so to speak)who remove our selves from our babies! A mother cow or horse when removed from their baby will go into a high stress mode! Our oldest was put into a crib in a nursery and we had a challenge putting her down for the night, as soon as she sensed our presence gone she would wake up! A baby can sense it’s mothers presence in sleep! Our next 4 children Co slept and we were all happier for it! Mom gets her sleep and baby is happy!
Bottom line is still this a baby needs it’s mother!
As a grandmother, who has a psychology background, I am VERY concerned about this method. It ignores the baby’s greatest need to attach; to understand at its deepest level. It reminds me of the orphanages in other countries, where the children are unattended to and cry for long period of time. This book is a logistical How To book and does not take into consideration the God-given need for babies to attach. Letting a baby cry for 30-45 minutes is unacceptable. I see it serving the needs of a fear-based anxious parent who may need to work, needs sleep, and prefers order; may have perfectionist & controlling tendencies, neither of which is God-oriented God-directed or baby friendly. Counseling offices are full of adults and adolescents who’s anxiety and depression can be traced to attachment issues, needs not being met. This book to me, is a logistical approach; and while parts of it might be valid, it cannot be used in its entirety. And, have you read the reviews of this book by the AAP and other professional organizations? Parents can create the PDF by using/learning good boundaries and clearly understanding what the Bible says about parenting.
Heather, I just wrote a post to this 11/11/13 post that you answered to a mom named Kara and then I noticed that your comment string is still getting “talked on” as recent as yesterday. So I wanted to post it here as well.
I just came across your comment to a mother who read your blog. I realize this is from several years ago, but since there were so many clear inaccuracies– I felt I needed to tell you the truth. In your response to Kara on 11/11/13 you said that you did have an older version of Babywise and that you went and did some more research. I do not know where you did your research, but you did not mention (and it is very easy to find if you are looking and really wanted to find it) that 28 year Pediatrician Robert Bucknam, M.D. wrote Babywise with Gary Ezzo in the early 90s and that respected Dr. Bucknam (who has a thriving Pediatrics clinic in Colorado in 3 hospitals with 37 other respected Pediatricians) oversaw and directed all 5 revisions on Babywise since the early 90s from its original 160 pages to todays updated and revised version of Babywise that has 279 pages. It was much more than “pulling a few things out to keep the publisher happy.” It is 74% new over 5 full revisions since it was first published. Today, Babywise has sold over 5 million copies and is translated into 20 foreign languages (again easily found facts if one is actually wanting to find facts). You also mentioned the former publisher who was Multnomah. I worked at Multnomah and your research is simply not true. The CEO and Owner of Multnomah was Donald C. Jacobson and he, along with his board, had invited anyone in the country with “an issue with the authors” to come and speak the truth against him and nobody would do so. The authors’ were cleared of any and all claims because no accuser of anything would stand up to the publisher at all. Today, 25 years later, Babywise has since become on Amazon.com the #1 best selling book in Breastfeeding, Sleep Disorders, Children’s Health, Infants, Single Parenting, Child Care, and Twins & Multiples Parenting. You mentioned Wikipedia and you have to be in full knowledge that anyone can write anything on Wikipedia. In fact, there is one rogue editor named Binksternet (completely public information if you just click on the site and look it up for yourself on Wikipedia) that has attempted to edit fact after sourced fact off the Babywise Wikipedia page because he “simply doesn’t like it.” You will see Binksternet on the page for all to see state that he feels “Gary Ezzo is a no-name religious fanatic who has no credentials and found a no-name young pediatrician to rubber stamp his nonsense.” The Wikipedia page is a joke filled with whatever Binksternet wants to place on it. You mentioned in your comment to Kara that the author’s “data is fabricated and the medical community is against it.” What you did not tell Kara is that published on the book itself are endorsements from a Professor of Pediatrics, an R.N.C.L.E., an Obstetrician, a Pediatric Neurologist, a Pediatric Cardiologist, and an international Pediatrician. You also did not research a very popular author Pediatrician Richard Ferber, M.D. Director, Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders, Children’s Hospital-Boston AND Associate Professor of Neurology at the Harvard Medical School who says “Consistent schedules are especially important to treating sleep disorders.” Ferber also says “Feeding patterns are an important part of an infant’s daily schedule.” Ferber went on in his book to say ….”if you are in the habit of rocking your child to sleep (or rubbing his back, or any similar custom) for twenty to thirty minutes each night, and you need to repeat the ritual once or twice in the middle of the night to get him back to sleep, you may be actually interfering with his sleep and delaying his ability to sleep through the night.” (exactly the Babywise methods) It doesn’t take much research, Heather, to find Sugar Kansagra, M.D. Director, Duke Pediatric Neurology Sleep Medicine Program who says, “Consistency is critical to success. Once you start sleep training, don’t turn back. The process can take several days to weeks. Don’t give up on sleep training after just a few nights. The most effective and proven sleep training solutions do involve some crying. But remember that it is for the health and well-being of your child.” Dr. Kansagra also says “Caregiver guilt is a common reason why sleep training fails. If a child is crying, the natural response would be to console him or her. But remember, sleep training is not for you. Although you will benefit as well, the main reason to sleep train is for the health and well being of your child. Not being able to self-soothe and go to sleep independently can be a burden for the child.” (exactly the Babywise methods) If you really want to know what the medical community at the top says your research will lead to experts like Jodi A. Mindell, Ph.D.- Associate Director of the Sleep Disorders Center at The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and Professor of Psychology at Saint Joseph’s University. Dr. Mindell says “Babies and children love routines and relish schedules. They like to know what is going to happen next. They are also better behaved when things follow a known pattern. Routines provide your child with a sense of security, and they enable your child to have a sense of control in a world governed by adult demands. Routines also give a framework in which to learn new skills.” Dr. Mindell after all of her years with babies says, “During the night, when you hear your baby begin to stir– walk, don’t run to him. You will be surprised how often he’ll fall back to sleep on his own. Remember, all babies naturally wake up throughout the night. Your baby may simply be stirring, ready to return back to sleep. By going to him too quickly, you may actually be waking him up.” (exactly the Babywise methods).
Heather, in your response to Kara, you mentioned that you wish you would have followed your instincts. I have read the brand new 25th Anniversary edition of Babywise and here is what 28 year Pediatrician Robert Bucknam, M.D. says in it: “When attempting to establish a feed-wake-sleep plan, parents must determine the first feeding of the day and try to stay as consistent as they can.” (page 135) I would say that Babywise is heavily encouraging mothers to follow their instincts and determine for themselves what is right. Dr. Bucknam says on page 91″Every baby is different when it comes to the timing of these merge transitions.” Again, Babywise is nowhere near one size fits all or asking any mom to ignore her motherly instincts. On page 63 Dr. Bucknam is very clear on Babywise’s stance on mothers’ instincts and listening to your baby when he states, ” ‘Just listen to your baby’s cue’s is good advice.” Dr. Bucknam goes as far in Babywise as to say, “The hunger cue should always trump the time on the clock.” (also page 63)
Heather, one of the other false claims that very easy research is able to uncover the truth (if the researcher wants to find the truth) is that the AAP ever issued any formal statement against Babywise. So false. One doctor named Aney wrote his personal opinion in 1998 in a short abstract (a magazine called The AAP News) which was immediately debunked by four doctors who wrote full rebuttals also published in the same abstract The AAP News: https://www.aappublications.org/content/14/5/29
https://www.aappublications.org/content/14/7/30.3
https://www.aappublications.org/content/14/7/31.2
https://www.aappublications.org/content/14/7/31.4
To understand better this false claim that soon became internet rumor one can go straight to the source at:
https://babywise.life/blogs/momtalk/aap-the-babywise-controversy-misattributions-and-corrections.
Heather- we should all spend a little more time supporting fellow mothers who all want the same thing for their precious babies: to sleep well and grow up healthy. To spend time ripping other moms for what they have found successful in their mothering is really far beneath any and all of us. But that is just my opinion and how I choose to live my life. I wish you all the best in everything you do with your great families.
Thank you for this! ((applaud))
This book ruined my mothering experience. I hate this book and anytime I find it at garage sales I buy it to burn it so it doesn’t fall into the hands of another new unsuspecting mother. Definitely a ridiculous book that goes against A mother’s instinct. My secind and third child were nurtured using Dr. Sears methods, not controlled as Babywise teaches. Worst book to ever be published!!! After 22 years, trying this absurd method is still my number one parenting mistake!
Hi Ladies,
I wanted so much to be a good Christian mommy and to also have a sense of order and security in our home. I was a young mom and terrified. Our firstborn struggled to gain weight in her first few months, but other than that she was a “prized pupil”and slept and ate perfectly. But as child growing up she displayed personality issues that pointed to a lack of parental bonding and attachment. Today, she struggles in all of her relationships, has struggled with substance abuse and has a diagnosed mental disorder. While I can’t know for certain that the program is to blame, I do know that her younger sibling(whom I was much less strict with) does not have these problems.
22 years later, I can look back clear eyed and see the damage I did to our firstborn because of Babywise. My heart for all parents is this:Lead with Love. You can “over-love” your children. Young mom especially need to be instructed in this because there are so many voices telling them what to do.
Control is not love. Control is Self, Control comes from Pride, Satans favorite sin.
God bless you…and please just love your babies and hold them.
Clarification:you CANNOT ” over-love” your children
I am a new mommy; my child is currently 13 weeks old. I too suffered from PPD. I started using Babywise around 6 weeks; although prior to that she was on a schedule as suggested by our pediatrician. I think you might have missed the part where Babywise suggested you follow your instincts and logic as a parent. I read Babywise and many other books and adapted the advises that I felt comfortable with and I felt worked for my child. I adjusted quite often based on her reactions to each change. She now sleeps 12 hours, is eating and gaining weight at an impressive rate AND it helped fix her tummy issues.
Sleep is so crucial to the development of rapidly growing brains. Mommies are super concerned about their emotional well-being but what about their brain development? Have you ever tried learning something while tired? If you feel it’s better for your child to co-sleep or take naps in a swing…go for it! But to say that a book was responsible for your hardships and that it’s dangerous is more of an opinion than based on actual facts. I have several friends who are also new mommies who aren’t using any schedules or plan of action and they are struggling. I sleep at least 8 hours a day, I work out 3 times a week and work at home. All this while being the primary care provider from my little baby. I could not do this without providing some structure and sleep for myself and my child through knowledge gained by reading Babywise.
Actually you can do all that without subjecting your baby to this bull.
I suffered severe PPD.
Pumped with manual hand pump for one year.
Worked FULL-TIME – 7 DAYS A WEEK.
I found that no schedule helped. Baby slept when she slept. Plus there are tons of ways to help yourself sleep without doing anything outlined in this book. You forget baby is having a hard time not giving you one. Mine woke every single hour for 2.5mo. You know why – pain? Growth spurt. Regresion, leap, teething, and separation anxiety. I never once left her. I nursed every single hour.
Why? I didn’t want her to grow up with low self esteem and depression like I suffered with as a child. My mother thought and parented like you. She has NO idea I suffered from mental health issues.
I’m sorry to hear you had such a terrible experience with Babywise; it seems like it did more psychological damage to you than it did to your child! You’re the first I’ve seen who wasn’t able to grasp the concept of parent-directed feeding. To miss this concept in the book is to miss the book altogether. It’s a shame to see you bashing a parenting method that works so wonderfully for most. The book was not responsible for your hardships. If it was, it would have a similar effect on many of the parents and children following the book; if not most. Our family thrives on Babywise and I recommend it to everyone!