I recently saw this survey discussed on the Today Show with some surprising statistics about how judgmental moms are toward each other. Okay, well, maybe not surprising, but alarming. 26,000 moms responded to a survey NBC did asking them how likely they are to judge a mom in different circumstances:
- 66% of the women said they judged someone with bratty kids.
- 42% would judge another mom for breast feeding a 3-year-old
- only 12% said they don’t judge other moms (I’m judging the honesty of those 12%)
I have to admit I’ve been guilty of judging other moms. Who hasn’t, right? But why? Why do moms do this? We all think we have the hardest and most rewarding jobs in the world so why do we make it tougher on ourselves and others by adding in judgements here and there?
One interesting point that the article mentions is that moms have many more resources available to us…tons of books, websites, online forums…and so we all feel more educated on what is the right and wrong way to parent, considering ourselves experts on an area we’ve read up on. I think I would agree with that.
A couple of things this survey has made me think about. One, obviously that I need to make sure that I’m trying my hardest not to judge others- moms or anyone! And two, I need to make sure I’m making decisions based on what I think is best and not out of fear of being judged.
I posted previously (read it here) about how difficult it was to breast feed in Halle’s early days weeks. Oh my goodness, it was one of the hardest things I went through as a new mom. My husband kept saying we should just start her on formula and trying to assure me that I wouldn’t be a failure as a mom if I didn’t breast feed. But for some reason, I just couldn’t give up. In one of my teary-eyed phone calls to a friend, she said before I keep fighting this uphill battle, make sure I’m fighting it for the right reasons. She told me to ask myself “Am I determined to breast feed because I want to do it or because I am afraid of what others might think if I don’t?” I had to admit that there was a part of me that was afraid to be judged by others for using nature’s second-best nutrition for my baby. I ended up setting a timeline and saying that if Halle hadn’t got the hang of it by then, I’d make the switch. However, she finally gave in.
I keep thinking about what we as moms (hopefully) are telling our kids when we hear them making judgements about others. Probably something along the lines of “Honey, everybody is different” or “Just because they’re different doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be nice to them.” Are we as moms listening to our own advice? What would our kids repeat back to us if they could hear some of the judgmental thoughts going through our minds during the day.
So thanks to this informal Today Show survey, my passion for Dallas Moms Blog has been reconfirmed. Our mission is to connect Dallas moms online and in person, to each other and to this city. It’s pointless to connect moms if we are just getting together to make judgements. I definitely will have to make a concerted effort to get better at this nasty habit, but it’s one I’m going to start working on. I’ll save working on my Dr. Pepper habit for another day.
Oh, Casey. I feel your pain! (Or your used-to-be pain 🙂 I couldn’t breast feed in the beginning and didn’t want to stop because I was afraid of what my mom friends and family (even my own husband) would think. I eventually stopped for specific reasons, but this is so true. Thanks for bringing this up – us mommies need the accountability! 🙂
Judging others makes us feel better….at least I think that’s why moms judge others so harshly. It all stems from our own insecurities and the doubts we carry about our abilities as moms.
Yeah, I think judging comes from a lack of empathy. Steph, I remember you saying one time that before you had a child, you questioned why a mom would have their toddler out at Target at 9 pm. Then after you had a baby, you realized that maybe that mom was a single mom and that was the only time to get groceries, etc. That really resonated with me and I try to remind myself of that a lot. Plus, and this is the last thing, I think most moms have the same goal of raising great kids, we just all go about it differently! So what’s the big deal?!?!