My emotional and physical energy is spent by the time my husband walks through the door. I often let out a heavy sigh and roll my eyes towards our child who is likely destroying something. And I know I am putting off a vibe that says, “I’m really happy to see you, because now you can aid me in tackling this spider monkey of a child we have.” When really, I would love for him to feel like I’m just happy to see him. Period. Because he’s my husband and I adore him and I missed him all day.
Every day, I’m inching my way closer to that genuine, sunshiny smile that’s all about him. Marriage while parenting small children is a challenge. But it’s one that I’m up for, because one day it’ll be “just us” again and I want him to know that he was loved through every season.
Here’s seven golden rules I’ve decided to follow along the way –
Make time – I’m putting this one first, because I am struggling to make it happen. What I’m finding is that there’s always an excuse for why date night isn’t going to work. We can’t find a sitter. It’s not in the budget right now. I’m too tired. But if I stop making excuses and make the time, it’s always so worth it.
Ask, don’t tell – When raising small children, there’s often a primary parent who has the routine of daily life down to a science. We can anticipate tantrums and quickly find solutions. We’ve got a way of doing things – bedtime, grocery shopping, snacks, etc. This often leaves us tempted to TELL our spouse what needs to be done. But I’m going to resist the urge to be a shouty, nagging wife. It’s my default, if I’m honest. Instead I can ask or make a suggestion or (GASP!) say nothing at all.
Your way or the highway – While were on the topic of routines, I’m going to take a note from Frozen and just let it go. Maybe I have the best ideas about how to dress our son or how to respond to his fit throwing or know what’s the best balance of healthy foods for dinner. But when my husband wants to do things his way, I’m just going to let it go. If our kid eats only tater tots for dinner and watches two hours of Bubble Guppies – whatever! Who cares? Not me. Not even a little.
Little things – I recently had a friend say that she wrote down on paper all the little things she did for her husband before they had children, all the things she thought had made her husband fall in love with her. I was impressed, because I can’t say I have thought about that lately. So I challenged myself to do just one thing that makes him a priority. Maybe not everyday, because I’m tired and forgetful and don’t want to spoil him (ha, only kidding). But as often as I can, I’ll do the little things that count.
Ten minute rule – When your spouse arrives home from work, give them 10 minutes. Just 10 minutes of silence, alone time, or what ever they need. If you don’t know what they need, ask. We often bombard our husbands as soon as they walk in the door with the worst of our day or a long to do list or a request to discipline a wild child. Let them breath.
Always and never – Eliminate these words from your vocabulary right now. They’re not productive for anyone and are usually an out right lie. Ex: you never do the dishes, you’re always coming home late. It’s the quickest way to start an argument and wound your spouse. I get that you’re fired up and maybe rightfully so, but don’t use those words.
Stop comparing – We usually talk about comparing between two women or mothers, but it happens in our marriage all too often. I’m tempted to list all the ways my day was more difficult than your day. This can be particularly challenging for the stay at home moms who get a bad rap for doing nothing all day. Don’t give into this comparison game. You both worked hard today, give each other credit and respect.
What tips do you have for making marriage easier with littles? I would love to add to my list!
Photograph by Leslie Eure
You are wise beyond your years my dear. Great article with practical tips. Oh how I wish I would’ve been this aware when mine were little.