This is a letter to my third child. Is it a love letter? A complaint? A letter of resignation? I don’t know. I just know that these are the words coming out when I type. Originally I was going to write a nice post about traveling with kids, but when I sat down to write, this is what came out. Some tears were shed, but it’s from the heart.
Dear Third Child,
I love you; let’s get that out of the way. You were very much wanted by your dad and me, and most of the time by your brother and sister. When I was growing up it was just Grandma and me– just the two of us and it was a wonderful childhood. After growing up without siblings I knew I wanted a large family and hoped I could have three beautiful children one day. However, I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed by your existence and you haven’t even been born yet.
My body is slower with this pregnancy; I am less patient, and so much more emotional. Will that get worse when you are born? Am I becoming a worse mother? I never used to yell at trivial things, now I do. I had strict rules about screen time, those have loosened. What will h
appen when you get here? Will I have any standards?
I am scared I will look like a frazzled mess the first time I go out in public with the three of you. Will I have a breakdown? Will I look like one of those moms we all wonder how they stay so together? I feel right now more like the mom falling apart. It’s hard having two kids close in age, and now there will be three. People do it all the time, but can I? Will I get the hang of it?
How will we ever travel again? Am I going to be stuck living in my house and become a full recluse? Do I need to buy a new car? How do you manage three car seats? I just don’t know.
I write this with late stage pregnancy hormones raging, after both your brother and sister had epic meltdowns at school drop off. I wanted to hide and crawl back in my car and start the day over… but I couldn’t, I carried on (we all do). It seems like everyday brings a new crazy challenge, which can be overwhelming. I know I will step up to the challenge of you–my wonderful third and final baby, but sometimes the amount of fear, uncertainty and doubt in myself can be overwhelming. In no way do I doubt my desire to hold you and love you, in fact that is the only thing pushing me through
these crazy last months of pregnancy that clearly have me hanging by a thread. To top it off, I can’t even have a glass of wine… but once you arrive that will of course change.
Love,
Mom
Erin, I’m smiling after reading this because I’m 17 months into having 4. A surprise set of twins to round out our family left me crying on the sono table next to a giddy husband. But hear me. You can do this. Right now you are wiped, but it will all fall into place. I promise. There is something magical about having more than two. I see all my friends with their thirds (and in my case 3&4) gracefully toting around the addition because now we know what we are doing. You know who looks like a hot mess? The first timers! Obviously, it will be a challenge at first, but you will snap back to normal way faster. I wish I could hug you, but I’m a FW gal. So let it be a virtual hug. You’ve got this!
This totally hit home for me! I’m 37 weeks into my third pregnancy and wondering how I’m going to do it. Being pregnant with two littles is proving to be a challenge!!! Especially with my oldest having the flu right now. I just keep telling myself, EVENTUALLY, it will get better!