Yesterday, someone on twitter posted a link to an article on The Wall Street Journal blogs. The title of the article was “Top Guilt for Moms: A Messy House”. Because I, too, live with that guilt, it peaked my interest. The article was the result of a survey taken by The Working Mother Research Institute and Ernst & Young, who asked 3,700 about their work and family decisions. When asked what working mothers and stay-at-home mothers felt judged about the most, “how clean their house is” was in the top three for both categories.
It got me to thinking because I struggle with that almost constantly. Sometimes I go into other mom’s homes and think, “Wow, how do they keep their house so clean, all of the time?” I usually have to work extra hard to keep mine clean and if someone comes over unexpected, they are likely to find toys all over my house, dishes in my sink, and piles of folded laundry in many places (I hate putting clothes away).
Honestly, this isn’t the only guilt I live with. I look at how cute other mom’s dress their kids and feel guilty that I don’t put the same effort in to my kids’ daily outfits.
I hear about and see kids eating great meals made by their moms and I feel guilty that I don’t put the same effort in to what my kids eat, on a daily basis. I know how important it is to make sure my kids eat well, but sometimes, I fail, and by fail, I mean my kids might have goldfish, a tortilla, and cheese for lunch or dinner. It’s usually because I’m standing in the kitchen trying to figure out what I can throw together for them. If only I put more planning in to their meals, I might not feel so guilty.
When my child has several days in a row of acting out and being difficult, I feel guilty about my parenting. Seeing a child who is consistently so well behaved and loving only makes me feel worse.
My mom has always told me that I’m very hard on myself. It’s the truth. I’m my own worst critic and I know I’m not the only mom like that. As a matter of fact, I think there are a lot of us that live with guilt on a daily basis.
I’ve decided to really work on changing my perspective. Instead of wanting to be more like this mom or that mom, I’m trying to really focus on “just being enough.” I’m learning to accept the fact that my kids are in a stage of life right now that involves dragging toys to every square inch of the house and leaving it looking like a bomb went off. It is what it is. I could follow them around all day long and clean up after them, but isn’t that really just like shoveling in a snow storm?
When it comes to the cute outfits I envy, I’ve realized that while I think they are so cute, it’s just not a priority to me to make sure my kids are dressed as cute as can be every time we leave the house. Making sure they have a matching outfit and shoes on their feet is usually just enough for me.
As for the meals I want to be better at, I’m working on it. I’m realizing they will not suffer if they don’t have a home cooked meal for every meal. They won’t suffer if they have Chick-fil-a two, or even three, days in a row. There will be times when they have great meals and on those occasions, I can pat myself on the back.
It’s just enough for me to know that I know my kids and their needs better than anyone else. I may not be the perfect mom who dresses them the cutest, makes the best meals for them, or even keeps the best house, but I love them like no one else can. It is my hope that my kids will remember how hard I worked at being their mom and that will be just enough for them.
Have you faced these same issues? I’d love to hear some of the things that you live in guilt with.
This really hit home for me. I’m always beating myself up over not having a clean home, polished wardrobe and perfect life. But a perfect life is one that is LIVED. To be honest, I’m not living (or enjoying every moment) if I’m there to clean up every toy, messy room or wrecked house (and car). I can, however, play with my son to the fullest when he’s awake and clean up what I can when he goes to bed. That’s my goal.
A clean house is the sign of a boring person. ~Author Unknown
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you? ~Erma Bombeck
Katie! I loved your comment! A perfect life is one that is LIVED! So true! And for the record, I think you have a great home and a polished wardrobe. 😉
Great points! We are moms to our kids, not to other moms! And our kids knowing we love them and knowing what is important weighs so much more heavily than a clean home!
I’ve never thought about it that way. You’re right, we are moms to our kids and not to other moms. My kids don’t really care about these things that are making me feel guilty, they just want me. 🙂
I, long ago, made the distinction in my head that a messy house is not the same as a dirty house, and I’ve been much happier. Do I envy other people’s homes that are neat as a pin…yes. But the stress to keep it that way would kill me or at least send me to therapy.
So true, Amanda!! I do know the difference in a messy house and a dirty house, and thankfullly mine doesn’t fall into both of those categories. The stress to keep the perfect house might send me to therapy, too. 🙂
My husband and his father have a really close relationship…the things he remembers when he was young are the things he did with his dad, not the things he was surrounded by….a clean house or nice clothes never come up when he talks about the past. It’s things like his dad taking him to get candy from the 7 11 or going to the park to fly kites. He cherishes the time his dad took to give him his time. I constantly have to remind myself that the dishes and laundry can wait and spending time with Kai is the most important thing right now.
SO true! It can all wait! Thanks for sharing about your hubs and his dad. It got me to thinking about what I remember from MY childhood. I actually can’t remember a thing about whether I thought our house was clean or dirty and I can’t remember much about my clothes. Interesting…. 🙂
Thanks for sharing. I agree completely!
You’re so welcome!! So glad I’m not alone. 🙂
You couldn’t have said it better! I have all the same guilt. But I think that’s one of the best things about being a mom (or a parent in general) learning to let go to the things you can’t control (or keep up with!) and enjoy every moment for what it is! It’s all about love and laughter in my opinion. I am a much different person than I used to be before kids, one who finds a lot more value in relationships & experiences than things/stuff. I’m definitely a bit OCD with keeping our house clean, but I have definitely lowered my standards to how clean/organized I keep it these days! Inviting people over gives me motivation to put things away though. As for meals, shoot, I’m happy if Dylan just has something to eat! 😉 And for clothes, I can’t even tell you how many loads I’ve had to re-wash because the pile of clean ones on the couch (that had been there for a week) got scattered around the living room and dirty/wrinkled again! After having Abbey, I find I am constantly reminding myself that I “just can’t do everything, and that’s ok!”
It’s ok to not be able to do everything. You’re exactly right! I’m more interested these days in relationships and experiences than I was before kids, too. Crazy how our perspective changes!
AMEN! Thanks for sharing, I couldn’t agree more and I just wish more moms/parents would see it this way. In the end, what our kids remember the most is when we were there with them playing, creating, just being —
You’re welcome and you are so right!! That’s the only thing I remember from my childhood, too. 🙂
Yes I really do not put any effort into my kids’ clothing – I feel guilty sometimes that since I now have a little girl I should be trying to dress her so cute, like all my friends do. But honestly, shopping for clothes with both kids is pretty much at the bottom of my “to do” list, not to mention how expensive it is. So I just make sure they are dressed appropriately for the weather and that’s about it. Hopefully when my daughter is older she can develop a sense of style and dress herself better than I dress her!