This post has been sponsored by Noyau Wellness Center in Dallas as an extension to our Marriage & Breastfeeding Series. Noyau Co-Founder and today’s guest blogger, Angela Taylor, MA, LPC-S wanted to contribute her expertise to a topic that may affect might be affecting your marriage.
I have 3 kids: my 2 kids and my husband…
How many times have you heard someone describe their relationship in this way?
As a therapist, I hear it almost everyday from the couples I see. While it might sound funny and get a laugh, it may not be the healthiest thing for a relationship. The underlying dynamic that is created when a parent-child relationship is established and maintained in a marriage can be detrimental.
You can recognize a parent-child relationship pretty easily when you look for it. One person has the power and authority while the other may obey rules but often “acts out.”
For example, one partner may control the finances giving an allowance or setting an expectation of what the other can spend in a month. If this is not a discussion ending in an equal and mutually agreed upon amount, the other partner might go on a spending
spree or max out a credit card. That person may not understand why he or she acted in this way, but it was probably an act of defiance from feeling controlled or parented.
Another example might be one partner nagging the other to help clean the house while the other partner actively makes the house messier. The common theme in these relationships is a need for control.
The “parent” in the relationship is attempting to establish control by demanding, scolding, making decisions without compromise, nagging, etc. Alternatively, the “child” in the relationship is trying to gain control by rebelling, being passive-aggressive, resisting, and acting immaturely. Both parties take on their roles and act accordingly.
The parent-child dynamic directly effects many aspects of the relationship.
Communication begins to falter because there is a lack of respect and trust from both individuals. It is difficult to feel safe and supported in a relationship where equality is lacking. The “child” feels judged and unaccepted while the “adult” feels disrespected, misunderstood, and fears an absence of quality conversation.
The other area majorly effected by the parent-child set up is the romantic relationship between the couple. The “parent” is not sexually attracted to the “child” and vice versa. It is easy to see why neither would be sexually enticed by the other. Sex can be difficult enough to maintain with the busy lives we lead without throwing a whole other dynamic in the mix!
So, if you notice this in your relationship, how do you start to change it?
Acknowledgment
Both partners need to acknowledge their roles in the relationship. This part can be the most difficult because it involves taking ownership of whether you are acting as the “child” or the “parent.”
Identifying Patterns
There should be a discussion about where this pattern is being seen the most (i.e. chores, financial structures, sex, etc.).
Compromise
The couple should work on a compromise where both partners feel empowered and share equal control and responsibility, like dividing the chores fairly.
Future Problem Solving
Set parameters for how these scenarios can be brought up and discussed safely when either person falls into his or her old role. Relapses are inevitable, as with all patterns, but will change over time with acknowledgement and persistence.
If you find this area difficult to navigate without leading to arguments, resentment, and anger, it might be a good time to seek the support of a therapist who can provide tools and a safe environment to work through this issue.
While it can be scary to identity challenges and issues in your relationship, the reward is indescribable. Having a fulfilling marriage where you feel nurtured, loved, and secure is essential to your relationship satisfaction. A foundation of equality and mutual appreciation and understanding will lead to the healthy, happy home you envisioned when you said, “I do.”
Noyau Wellness is a collaborative holistic mental health and wellness center focusing on changing lives through counseling, nutrition consulting, massage therapy, and holistic medicine. Founded in Dallas, Texas in 2010, Noyau utilizes expert practitioners in various fields of healing to enhance the mind, body, spirit connection.
Noyau Wellness Center is located near Walnut Hill & Central Expressway.
To find out more information about their counseling and/or nutritional services or to request an appointment, you can visit their website or call 214.706.0619.
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Angela S. Taylor is Co-Founder of Noyau Wellness Center, Senior Therapist, and Executive/Business Coach. In addition to maintaining her private practice, Angela is consistently sought out as a mental health and relationship expert to lend her opinion to media outlets such as CBS, Fox, ABC, and the CW. She also frequently develops and trains other therapists and practicing counselors. Angela works to empower individuals, couples, and families to reach success and fulfillment in life and in career.
Angela works with various mental health issues including depression, anxiety, women’s issues (i.e. body image, self esteem, etc), relationship and sex issues, grief, and various other concerns.
She believes everyone has the ability to reach complete happiness and ultimate achievement and helps her clients see and reach this level in their own lives.
And a personal congratulations to Angela as she’s expecting a child due this year!
