My sister was recently in town for my daughter’s birthday party and she kept teasing me — “Is your new best friend coming to the party?” She was talking about my step-kids’ mom.
“Shut up, she’s not my *best* friend. And yes, she is coming – so be nice!” was my reply. While she’s not exactly by best friend, I do have a surprisingly great relationship with my husband’s ex-wife. And I was happy she was coming to the party!
Believe me when I say, this is a relationship 8 years in the making. We didn’t start off friends, and our actual friendship (as opposed to us just being polite) is something relatively new. But it is something that makes life so much better for everyone involved.
Seeing their parents and step-parents fighting all the time must be a huge weight on any kids involved. Having to deal with nasty comments or angry parents affects kids. But having us all get along just makes everyone’s lives easier. Being able to have dinner together or celebrate things together makes us all happier people!
Being friends may not be in the cards for you and your husband’s ex — but here are some things that have helped us keep the peace and make parenting kids together easier for all of us!
Let your husband deal with any disagreements. Any time we’ve all had a difference of opinions on things – I let my husband and his ex work it out themselves. I will let my husband know my opinions. But I stayed out of any discussions or arguments between the 2 of them. It wasn’t always easy. And it wasn’t always resolved the way I would have wanted – but I think staying out of those discussions helped to avoid any negative feelings between me and his ex.
Keep any negative thoughts away from the kids. Since we have had our share of disagreements, there have been some hard feelings in the past. One year we each ended up doing separate things for my step-kids’ birthdays and they were asking us why – we usually celebrated together. It would have been easy to point the finger, but looking back on the situation – it was a difference of opinions that quickly blew over. And instead of saying anything negative in front of the kids, we held our tongues and kept the peace and we were all able to move on quickly.
Talk positively to the kids about their mom. Before I had ever met Tony, one of my good friends was dealing with her kids step-mom, and she was not so nice. I remember how upset the daughter was because the step-mom would say very mean things about her mom all the time. So when I met Tony’s kids I knew that I would never say anything bad about their mom. In fact, I made it a point to say anything and everything nice I could. By talking nicely about her I think I accomplished a lot of different things. It built up my relationship with my step-kids, it helped me to think positively about this person who I didn’t actually know much about, and it ultimately helped us become friends.
Give their mom the final say. This one was so hard for me. It’s hard enough sharing control of your life with your new husband, much less his ex. But you quickly learn that this woman has a say on how your weekends go, where and when we do things, even our vacations. It was an adjustment that took time. From her perspective – she now had to share control of her kids’ lives with a stranger. We all just wanted what was best for the kids. But in the end, their mom should get the final say on anything involving the kids. Whether it’s school functions or what movies the kids can watch – if their mom has a strong opinion on something it only makes sense to follow her judgement. Those are her babies. And once she knew my husband and I were both willing to let her have that final say – I think it helped her trust our judgement even more.
Be flexible. As any mom will tell you – this is almost rule number 1 when it comes to kids. When it comes to parenting with exes, I think it’s even more important. When we can all be flexible and help each other out when needed – the kids win. If she needed to switch weekends or evenings – we always tried to accommodate. Anything that meant seeing the kids more was a win. And if it helped her out it was a double win.
Be loving. The first rule when it comes to kids. If I was going to marry a man with kids, I was also marrying his kids. So I better love them all! Thankfully they are such awesome kids, it wasn’t hard to love them instantly as well. And because I do love them and want the best for them — me, my husband and his ex are all on the same page. Nothing brings people together like love.
So, that’s what’s helped us become close over the last 8 years. Every situation is different and comes with it’s own set of unique challenges and it’s ups and downs. But I do think it’s possible to make the best of a not so perfect situation.
As a side note – at the birthday party my sister spent a long time chatting with my “new best friend” and actually really likes her also! I was not surprised.
What advice do you have for being friendly with an ex-spouse?
We’d love for you to share your positive stories!
I am having a hard time dealing with my husband and his exes relationship. He is best friends with her, but of course he denies it. He speaks to her everyday day several times a day if her husband is not in town. Her husband is gone 2 to 3 days a week. I found out through the phone bill. I would probably have not been as upset if he had not been deleting their call logs from his phone. I used his phone plenty of times and hardly ever saw calls between the two of them. I believe if he wasn’t trying to hide anything he wouldn’t have deleted the calls. They have 1 teenage daughter and he can’t possibly be talking about her that much. He knows a lot of what’s going on in his wife’s life with her husband because he has told me. I have talked to her about it and she admitted he does confide in her. She said if I was a good wife then he wouldn’t have to call her. My husbands only response is that they have known each other for a long time and he can’t just let their friendship go. This is very hurtful. I never asked him to let the friendship go I just think they need to realise its time to move forward and have that closeness to your present spouse. Its been times he has even told me of how him and his ex agree things should be a certain way and I am the one who is wrong. I am considering leaving him. What woman’s wants to be second best?
Sorry I have a few errors in my writing, but i hope you understand what I was saying.
WTF??? She cheated on him. I came in after the separation and I am pronounced the other women. In-laws who all thought she was a piece of shit. now revere her and think poor her?!!!
I was told NOT to intend my mother inlaws funeral. My daughter and their blood grand daughter were treated as sub humans!!! Mother in-law has been dead and buried for 7 years…. and the ex wife from hell that the kids to dislike their father is now revered with in his family?? What is wrong with the world??