How My Marriage Survived the Santa Debate

Caution: The following material covers controversial and potentially disturbing material and may not be suitable for young audiences.  Please continue reading in a kid-free environment in order to prevent family trauma.  I don’t want to be a “Ruiner.”

In over 16 years of marriage, one of the most serious disagreements my husband and I ever faced was over Santa Claus.  Unfortunately, the topic of Santa hadn’t come up in our premarital counseling, so we were unprepared for the clash that presented itself when I was pregnant with our first child.

I suddenly discovered it was very important to my husband that our children be raised to believe Santa is real.  At the risk of being labeled a Scrooge, it was equally important to me that they not be raised to believe in Santa.

We quickly found there isn’t an easy compromise to this situation.  In some ways it’s an all or nothing proposition.  He can’t be both real and not real at the same time.

We argued back and forth about it for months.  I’ll admit, we both had valid and compelling reasons behind our opposing views.  My husband was raised in a family where the magic of Santa was very much real.  He has wonderful memories of visits from Santa and wanted our kids to experience the same joy.  He also feared that our kids might be “Ruiners” for the other kids around them if we failed to instill a belief in Santa.  He felt that Christmas just isn’t Christmas without the mystery and excitement of Santa.

I was raised in a family that didn’t “do” Santa.  All my gifts came from people I knew and loved, and I didn’t like the idea of some strange man “watching to see if you’re naughty or nice.”  To me the idea of Santa seemed like behavioral blackmail, and essentially a lie.  I was afraid if we “lied” to our kids about Santa, they might not believe us about other things that are actually true.

Truth be told, we didn’t really come to an agreement about it that first year.  I figured our baby wouldn’t remember what happened that Christmas anyway.  My husband’s family gave her gifts from “Santa” and I was fine with it.  In fact, it was sort of fun.

By the time the next Christmas rolled around we had two kids.  Again, “Santa” gave a few presents.  As the years went on it became less of a big deal to me.  I realized that getting gifts from “Santa” really is a mysterious and joyful experience.

But I didn’t abandon my views completely.  I absolutely draw the line on two points.  I refuse to lie about Santa.  Many times over the years as my children have aged they have asked me if Santa is real.  I never say “yes.”  I never say “no”, either.  I’ve come up with all kinds of phrases that don’t really answer the question like, “What do you think?”  I’m pretty sure my 8 year old (and possibly my 10 year old) still believes.  I’m also fairly sure my 12 year old doesn’t…but it’s never been explicitly said.

Secondly, I refuse to tie behavior to gifts from Santa.  The phrase “Santa is watching…” (as typically used on unruly children) makes me cringe!  I prefer to step up and be the parent year round, without using Santa as a crutch.  My kids better behave because I expect it, not Santa.

So in some ways, it seems we did compromise a little on what we thought was a black and white issue.  Looking back on it with my current perspective, I can see that it turned out okay for our family.  Thank goodness my husband I agree on a real tree verses an artificial one.  I’ve heard that debate can wreak havoc on a marriage.

Have you had a similar issue in your marriage? What did you decide was best for your family? 

If you enjoyed this post, read these other great ones from our archives:

A Big, Red Lie? What Do You Tell Your Kids About Santa? 

Making Your Own Family Traditions