Last Wednesday morning, I was in total Heaven.
I was laying in the hospital, 2 days after giving birth to our second son. My recovery was going amazing, and I was feeling great! So much so, I’d given my husband permission to take off for a few hours to go entertain our toddler (who was with Grandma) and make him feel loved.
Around noon, I’d finished up my lunch and decided to have a little skin-to-skin time with my sweet baby boy resting peacefully on my chest. He was so warm, and his scent was intoxicating. It was hard not to just be in love with this little bundle from the moment I’d met him.
But somewhere between his smell and his warmth and my full tummy, I’d began to nod off myself. It wasn’t until about an hour later that I started to rouse. During the split second it took me to remember where I was and wonder when my husband might return, I instantly felt a weight being lifted from my chest.
And before I knew what was happening, I heard a quiet thud and a small cry.
In a sudden, inescapable panic, I remembered that my son had been on my chest before I drifted off, and he was no longer there. I looked down from my hospital bed, and saw my newborn laying on the floor right beside me.
By Wednesday evening, my worst nightmares were coming true.
Nurses rushed my son off to take x-rays where it took almost an hour to confirm a probable skull fracture. Then they rushed him off to CT where it seemed like an eternity before hearing the results.
In those two hours, I’d experienced emotions no mom should ever have to feel; from disbelief and sadness to unforgivable anger and grief. More than once my husband (who literally walked through the door 30 seconds after I’d scooped him up off the floor) had to bring me back from some dark places. As 9 months of pregnancy, love, and the delivery flashed through my head, I had begun to convince myself that I had killed our son.
And it was all my fault.
How could I have fallen asleep??
What type of mother would fall asleep and drop her son??
I would never be able to forgive myself.
All of our family arrived as quickly as possible to help us cope with whatever results the CT showed. And when the nurse finally wheeled his crib back in the room, she gave us the news…
What looked like a skull fracture on the x-rays was actually just a growth plate. There was no bruising or bleeding, and no broken bones. He was perfectly fine.
Almost 8 days later, I still find myself replaying the events of that day in my mind. Although our obstetrician and pediatrician both have reassured me that the CT would have shown any damage, and there was none, I still can’t help but feel guilt and blame. There’s not a moment that passes as I watch him sleep peacefully that I don’t wonder if I’ve done permanent damage that the doctors may not have found.
But what I’ve come to realize from this could-be tragedy is that I have to learn to forgive myself.
As parents, we’ll always make mistakes whether it’s through parenting learning curves or failed techniques. There will always be moments in our children’s lives we’ll look back and wonder what we were thinking or why didn’t we do this differently, but living in past moments doesn’t stop life from continuing to go on.
As I watch my son and think about what happened, I’m missing out on the moments that are happening now. A faint smile while he sleeps. An awareness and recognition of the world around him. I have to learn to forgive myself in order to live in the present and learn from my failures.
What I’ve learned from this experience (besides to always put the bedrails up, no matter what the nurse says!) is that even the most perfect of parents are human, and no matter how much I love my children I won’t always be capable of protecting them at every moment.
Besides, our children really are more resilient than we give them credit for. Nearly all the mistakes that we struggle forgetting, in the grand scheme of things, are not “world-ending” like we make them out to be, and the only thing stopping us from being forgiven is ourselves.
I don’t mean to suggest I have this all figured out, though. I imagine this will be a daily struggle for me for some time, but hey I’m trying!
Feel free to leave your own story in the comments below,
or just rest in the knowledge that you’re not alone in the world of parental mistakes.
Oh Krystal-PLEASE forgive yourself!! I’m sure everyone has already told you this but it isn’t your fault, it was an accident. One of the families I was a nanny for, the night they came home- dad did the same thing! He was asleep in his arms and his son just fell right out of them. He was rushed to the hospital but was, and is completely, 100% fine.
You can’t changed what happened so don’t beat yourself up over it. You are an awesome mom!!! I love your perspective for today and if you find yourself beating yourself up tomorrow, go read the last few paragraphs of your post to remind yourself (and I’m keeping them handy too because it is a good reminder for every parent).
Krystal – this is so brave of you to share. When my son was about 8 months, he crawled off the bed in our bedroom. I was hysterical and devastated. How could I turn my back for long enough for that to happen? It happens to the best of us, and no mother intentionally hurts their children. This is a great reminder that we need to be forgiving of everyone, ourselves included.
Oh Krystal I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I’m sure you’ll quickly learn how things like this are so much more common than you think- and you are still such a perfectly loving mother.
First, I’m so glad your little one is OK! I’m sure this happens to MANY moms who are too embarrassed or upset to share. I had my little guy, who had shown ZERO ability to do anything close to roll over, on the foot of my bed, and although I was usually careful to put him perpendicular to the edge, this time I was rushed or distracted with my 4 year old or something, and I put him parallel, and I turned my back to get something from a drawer and off he went. I was very lucky that we have carpet and he fell onto the dog bed, so no harm done (other than to my sanity), but I still can’t believe I did something so stupid. You are doing the right thing forgiving yourself. And I always tell myself, with a chuckle: “Well, if that’s the worst mistake I make his whole life, I’ll be really lucky.” 🙂
Oh Krystal, no worries doll. When my first son was 2 weeks old, he had a love for kicking, so I positioned him on the couch while I made his bottle. I kept checking on him, and all was fine. I sat down next to him, his head next to my knee and during his kicking he flipped himself off the couch onto our hard floor. I sat there froze for about 3 seconds in disbelief. Was he dead? Brain trauma? I got up and picked him up and he was crying hysterically and I knew that he was hungry so I tried to feed him after loving on him and freaking out at the same time. My husband got back after walking the dogs and I was so scared and freaked out, I told my husband he had to call the doctor, because If I did it, they would take him away lol. I was so scared. The nurse just had me watch him. And he was fine. I have heard stories like this often. We are great mothers. Sometimes things just happen.
I am so glad your little man is okay! When my son was 3 months old I fed him several bottles of rancid breast milk on accident. I flipped out after I realized it and was convinced he was going to end up in the hospital either from throwing up and getting dehydrated or after contracting some mystery bacterial illness (ha – the things first time moms imagine in the midst of their fear). I called my mom in a panic and she calmly replied that he would be fine and would maybe have an upset stomach for a few days. She wisely told me to not feel guilty and jokingly mentioned that there would be many bigger things in the next 18 years that I could legitimately feel guilty about 🙂
When I my son was about 6 weeks old, I was very sleep deprived and FINALLY fell asleep on the edge of my bed. I’d been semi-cosleeping with my son for those few weeks as well. I woke up to find myself falling forward off the bed and what I thought was my son slipping between my fingers to the floor. I FREAKED out. My husband jumped out of the bed, ran around the side, and started assuring me that it wasn’t the baby… it was a small pillow I use for support when I sleep. It was such a real hallucination that to this day, I still wonder if I actually dropped him off the bed and DH just didn’t tell me or if it was the most real dream I’ve ever had in my life. I seriously need to get over it since he’s perfect, happy, and very healthy.
I hate those dreams!! My husband has had to wake me from a few of those where you can’t tell what’s reality.
I had those too when both of my boys were born. I remember the worst one with Hayes. In my sleep-dreprived/dream state, I woke up thinking the pillow was Hayes- and he wasn’t breathing. I was shaking the pillow and starting to panic, waking up Cody and screaming that Hayes wasn’t breathing. Eventually Cody was able to convince me that it was just the pillow, and Hayes was asleep in his crib, but I was so so upset. It was the scariest moment of my life…to this day. I still hate to even think about that dream because it felt so real.
Definitely forgive yourself! We used to always say in Celebrate Recovery/ReGeneration: guilt and shame are from the devil. God does not shame us. Also, if it helps any, my husband has actually let BOTH of our kids roll off the bed when they were at that barely-rolling stage. At 2 and 3 years old, they are both fine!
Oh Krystal! Reading your story broke my heart! It is so easy for something like that to happen and can (and does!) happen to most of us in one way or another. I’m sure your heart can rest knowing that no real damage was done and that your baby is still PERFECT! Yes, yes, yes, forgive yourself and don’t spend another moment dwelling on what happened…enjoy that precious little one!!! I’m sure he is soaking up all of your love 🙂 Best of luck in the newborn stage!
Thank you Krystle. It took a long time to decide to share this post, and a timid Google search helped me feel better because I realize I’m really not alone. And even though I still feel terrible, I’m working on forgiving myself!
I am very moved by your vulnerability in sharing this story and your journey of accepting all the parts of you — your perspective and your words are such a gift to the world! You inspire all of us moms to be kinder and gentler with ourselves. And your children are truly blessed to have you as their mother!
Thank you Kim! I appreciate your kind words!