In an age where parents seem to spend their pastime in the stands critiquing and complaining about the coach, choose to recognize that he is a person and, in many cases, a father and a husband. His children and his wife hear you up there. It’s easy to offer critique. It’s harder to offer encouragement. But consider the importance of the work your children’s coaches are doing. Coaches hold a special place in the lives of our young people.
If your child is in sports, be a team player by offering a little support to the coach’s spouse. Behind every coach is often a wife making his career possible. Consider one of the following simple ways to give her a little encouragement this season. (Most of these apply to a coach’s husband, too!)
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1. Thank Her
“Thank you for sharing your husband during the season. We know you and the kids must miss him.” Gratitude is a free gift that goes a long way.
If you see a coach’s wife this fall, give her a hug, a high five, and even buy her a latte. If she’s your friend or family, give her lots of grace, and maybe offer to watch her kids on a Saturday morning or join her at a game. She doesn’t get much socializing time outside of Friday nights.
2. Compliment Her Husband
There is nothing that carries me through a season more than a parent telling me how much my husband has impacted his or her child’s life. I will always treasure an email from a mom who took the time to tell me the ways my husband built confidence and character in her son and how she credited much of her son’s college success to him.
My husband, the coach, is growing these guys into young men, not just good football players. These comments validate the long hours he has to spend away from us. When I start to feel bitter about football taking him from me, these notes and stories help me respect and appreciate the work he does.
3. Walk Her to the Car
After the game, the coach has to ride the bus to make sure your kids safely return to the school. It pains him to send his wife and kids into a dark parking lot without him. He hates it. Offer to walk with her to her car, and maybe even help carry the diaper bag.
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4. Play with Her Kids
Though we are at the game, we spend very little time actually watching the game . . . because we are watching our children. We would love it if you or your teenager offered to play cars with our toddler or walk our little one to the concession stand for a treat. Another idea is to offer to let us go to the bathroom ALONE. Five minutes here and there is all we really need. We might decline the first time, but when we really need a break, we’ll know who to ask.
5. Learn Her Name
Introduce yourself to her. You’ll know who she is. She’ll be sitting alone or with a lap full of kids away from the crowd. Even though she sits off to the side, she would still like to know a few familiar faces when she walks into the big stadium or waits to hug her husband after the game. Bonus points if you learn a few things about her. Fun fact: Not all coaches’ wives are teachers.
6. Don’t Expect the Inside Scoop from Her
Don’t bother mentioning how many camps your kid has attended or how fast he runs a hundred. Her husband makes all playing time decisions without consulting her, thank you very much.
7. Forgive Her for Not Knowing the Game
Most coaches’ wives I know actually do know the sport and tend to enjoy watching it. But after 10 years with a coach, I only know enough to kind of follow along, so I dread with every fiber of my being when a parent asks me about a play or a call. I don’t speak the language! But this doesn’t reflect poorly on my husband’s coaching skills, I promise.
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8. Be on Time
Please pick up your kids on time. While you’re “running late,” she’s running on fumes.
9. Be Considerate of Her Family Time
Coaches are available 24/7 to parents and players. Coaches encourage communication, and most don’t mind the phone calls. It’s just part of the job, my husband tells me.
But honestly, it’s hard on his wife and kids when he walks in the door from a long day with the phone to his ear and a longwinded parent on the other end of the line. Trying to keep the kids quiet when they haven’t seen daddy all day is like containing a can of biscuits when you’ve already ripped off the wrapper.
When you need to talk to a coach, start your call with, “I was wondering if we could talk for a few minutes? What’s a good time for me to call you back?” Or better yet, just text or email to set up a time. And then keep it brief.
10. Teach Your Kids to Be Considerate, Too
Chat with your child about respecting coach’s family time. I never would have dreamed of calling my coach on a weekend or evening unless it was an absolute emergency. And even then, I would have apologized profusely. Texting, messaging, and social media have changed this dynamic in a big way.
My husband gets 20 texts a day with some of the most ridiculous questions. Are we getting our hats in today? What time did you say practice is tomorrow? Have you seen my backpack? Can you come open the field house? I left my geometry book in my locker.
Ask a friend. Wait until practice. Suffer the consequences of forgetting your stuff. Unless it is a real emergency and you’ve already checked with five teammates, it can probably wait. The trivial questions grate on this coach’s wife.
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11. Encourage Her Marriage
Did you know coaches have a dismal divorce rate? It’s around 50% among high school coaches, last I checked, and it gets higher as you get into college and NFL. Coaching is a demanding job, and it takes a toll on marriages, so gentle reminders (not unsolicited advice) to take care of one another are welcome.
Mention to the coach something you noticed about his wife. “She sure looks at you with admiration when you’re out there.” Or to the wife, “Those kids look up to him, don’t they? He’s a really good man.” With all the busyness of the season, resentment is a constant battle for a coach’s wife. We sometimes forget to look up and notice the wonderful things about our spouse.
Another great way to support coach’s marriage would be to offer to sponsor coach and his wife for the Coaches Outreach Marriage Retreat. Some PTOs raise money for any coach that wants to go. See if your PTO is already doing this, and if not, make it your cause. Date night gift cards are always appreciated, too!
What a phenomenal post! My husband is a certified athletic trainer in a college setting, and our roles are very similar to a coach’s wife’s roll. Many times, the athletic trainer is at the building before anyone else (including coaches sometimes) in order to evaluate/treat/rehab the athletes before and after games, and all throughout the week. We see our husbands about the same amount of time as a coach’s wife, and I can related to every single thing you said.
Thank you for putting words to everything I have thought of each and every time season comes around. (And for some athletic trainers, it’s not just football that they cover, but every single sport a school has. So they don’t get a break once football is done, but have to move on to winter sports, and then spring sports; all while treating the athletes year round sometimes.)
Kathy, yes absolutely! We love our trainer families….and the band families and the cheerleading families. So much sacrifice goes into Friday nights. And you are right, few coaches coach just one sport. My husband is the head baseball coach so we do it all over again in the spring and have fall ball Tuesday nights on top of freshman and varsity football. It’s a crazy life, but we love it.
You nailed it! Thank you for your honesty and humor. It is always encouraging to know that other coaches wives are going through the same emotions this time of year. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks Emily! All the love this post has received has made me love the coaching community even more! I’m proud to be a part of this group of strong ladies.
Thank you so much for your post I was literally in tears reading this because you just described my life to a T . No one understands what coaches wives or coaches kids go through unless you are one. You post definitely helps people see a glimpse into our lives and for that thank you -Lauren
You are so very welcome Lauren. It’s a tough role and sometimes we just need to know someone gets it! I teared up this morning as my husband left for work knowing since they have out of town games tonight and tomorrow we won’t see him at all until Saturday afternoon. But I know I’m not alone! Coach’s wives look out for one another!
Get article. I especially love your suggestions on how to give the coach’s wife encouragement. Please edit: When referring to the wives of more than one coach use the plural possessive; coaches’ wives. When you write “coach’s wives” that means one coach with more than one wife. No football coach has time for more than one wife!
Lol! Martha, I’ll look over and make sure we got all the possessives correct. Because no, no coach has time for more than one wife!
Lovely thoughts and suggestions! In small schools, oftentimes the coaches’s spouses are also coaches, so we need double the support and understanding! And the time commitment and stress also go with other extra curricular adtivities, such as music and drama. Thanks for reminding us to consider the “support team” for all our coaches!
I know exactly what you mean. As soon as football season is over I start coaching. I go from coaches wife to coach and he goes from coach to coaches husband.
My husband is a D1 college football coach and this could not be more dead on. Thank you so much for your honesty and willingness to “tell it like it is”. It can be so difficult and it really helps knowing there are other wives out there who understand and are willing to offer words of encouragement. You are wonderful!!:)
Great article
Maybe “thank the coach’s spouse” instead. Not all coaches are men so the whole “thank his wife” thing is a little bit sexist. My husband is holding down the fort while I coach. Is 2017. Not all coaches are men. And, also not all men are married to “a wife”. ?
Dead on Sister! I’m a 20+ year veteran football (and now baseball) widow. So I can say I agree with every single word of this post.
Thanks for writing such encouraging words for us wives ❤️❤️
Thank you for a wonderful post. It brought back so many wonderful memories. It especially hit home because I was a choaches wife for over 35 years, my daughter was a coaches wife for many years, and now her daughter, my granddaughter, is a coach’s wife, starting her first football season.