In an age where parents seem to spend their pastime in the stands critiquing and complaining about the coach, choose to recognize that he is a person and, in many cases, a father and a husband. His children and his wife hear you up there. It’s easy to offer critique. It’s harder to offer encouragement. But consider the importance of the work your children’s coaches are doing. Coaches hold a special place in the lives of our young people.
If your child is in sports, be a team player by offering a little support to the coach’s spouse. Behind every coach is often a wife making his career possible. Consider one of the following simple ways to give her a little encouragement this season. (Most of these apply to a coach’s husband, too!)
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1. Thank Her
“Thank you for sharing your husband during the season. We know you and the kids must miss him.” Gratitude is a free gift that goes a long way.
If you see a coach’s wife this fall, give her a hug, a high five, and even buy her a latte. If she’s your friend or family, give her lots of grace, and maybe offer to watch her kids on a Saturday morning or join her at a game. She doesn’t get much socializing time outside of Friday nights.
2. Compliment Her Husband
There is nothing that carries me through a season more than a parent telling me how much my husband has impacted his or her child’s life. I will always treasure an email from a mom who took the time to tell me the ways my husband built confidence and character in her son and how she credited much of her son’s college success to him.
My husband, the coach, is growing these guys into young men, not just good football players. These comments validate the long hours he has to spend away from us. When I start to feel bitter about football taking him from me, these notes and stories help me respect and appreciate the work he does.
3. Walk Her to the Car
After the game, the coach has to ride the bus to make sure your kids safely return to the school. It pains him to send his wife and kids into a dark parking lot without him. He hates it. Offer to walk with her to her car, and maybe even help carry the diaper bag.
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4. Play with Her Kids
Though we are at the game, we spend very little time actually watching the game . . . because we are watching our children. We would love it if you or your teenager offered to play cars with our toddler or walk our little one to the concession stand for a treat. Another idea is to offer to let us go to the bathroom ALONE. Five minutes here and there is all we really need. We might decline the first time, but when we really need a break, we’ll know who to ask.
5. Learn Her Name
Introduce yourself to her. You’ll know who she is. She’ll be sitting alone or with a lap full of kids away from the crowd. Even though she sits off to the side, she would still like to know a few familiar faces when she walks into the big stadium or waits to hug her husband after the game. Bonus points if you learn a few things about her. Fun fact: Not all coaches’ wives are teachers.
6. Don’t Expect the Inside Scoop from Her
Don’t bother mentioning how many camps your kid has attended or how fast he runs a hundred. Her husband makes all playing time decisions without consulting her, thank you very much.
7. Forgive Her for Not Knowing the Game
Most coaches’ wives I know actually do know the sport and tend to enjoy watching it. But after 10 years with a coach, I only know enough to kind of follow along, so I dread with every fiber of my being when a parent asks me about a play or a call. I don’t speak the language! But this doesn’t reflect poorly on my husband’s coaching skills, I promise.
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8. Be on Time
Please pick up your kids on time. While you’re “running late,” she’s running on fumes.
9. Be Considerate of Her Family Time
Coaches are available 24/7 to parents and players. Coaches encourage communication, and most don’t mind the phone calls. It’s just part of the job, my husband tells me.
But honestly, it’s hard on his wife and kids when he walks in the door from a long day with the phone to his ear and a longwinded parent on the other end of the line. Trying to keep the kids quiet when they haven’t seen daddy all day is like containing a can of biscuits when you’ve already ripped off the wrapper.
When you need to talk to a coach, start your call with, “I was wondering if we could talk for a few minutes? What’s a good time for me to call you back?” Or better yet, just text or email to set up a time. And then keep it brief.
10. Teach Your Kids to Be Considerate, Too
Chat with your child about respecting coach’s family time. I never would have dreamed of calling my coach on a weekend or evening unless it was an absolute emergency. And even then, I would have apologized profusely. Texting, messaging, and social media have changed this dynamic in a big way.
My husband gets 20 texts a day with some of the most ridiculous questions. Are we getting our hats in today? What time did you say practice is tomorrow? Have you seen my backpack? Can you come open the field house? I left my geometry book in my locker.
Ask a friend. Wait until practice. Suffer the consequences of forgetting your stuff. Unless it is a real emergency and you’ve already checked with five teammates, it can probably wait. The trivial questions grate on this coach’s wife.
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11. Encourage Her Marriage
Did you know coaches have a dismal divorce rate? It’s around 50% among high school coaches, last I checked, and it gets higher as you get into college and NFL. Coaching is a demanding job, and it takes a toll on marriages, so gentle reminders (not unsolicited advice) to take care of one another are welcome.
Mention to the coach something you noticed about his wife. “She sure looks at you with admiration when you’re out there.” Or to the wife, “Those kids look up to him, don’t they? He’s a really good man.” With all the busyness of the season, resentment is a constant battle for a coach’s wife. We sometimes forget to look up and notice the wonderful things about our spouse.
Another great way to support coach’s marriage would be to offer to sponsor coach and his wife for the Coaches Outreach Marriage Retreat. Some PTOs raise money for any coach that wants to go. See if your PTO is already doing this, and if not, make it your cause. Date night gift cards are always appreciated, too!
As a coach and a new father, this is perfect! Thank you!
This is a great post, but as a wife AND COACH, I want to note that the male coaches I know seem to get a lot of kudos and recognition of their efforts, but the mom-coaches like me? We get to keep on keepin’ on. Because of my husband’s work circumstances, no one’s at home making dinner for me and heating up a plate when I finally arrive – I’m planning the meal, making it ahead of time, having one kid heat it up while I drive the other one to her activities, then leaving a serving for the second kid while Kid #1 and I head off to practice. I understand this article is intended to make people aware of the “unsung heroes” who make it possible for these men to do what they do, but the article also assumes that every coach has a wife at home to help smooth the way and keep things functioning in his absence. Look around next time you’re at a sports banquet or a tournament – there are a LOT of us mom-coaches out there who are just expected to do BOTH of these jobs, and do them well.
As a coach’s wife of 43 years this is spot on! My husband is a very successful coach of football, basketball and baseball so there is never an off season. The article was a delight and I have been blessed with many wonderful parents of players that have complimented my husband , driven my children and I to out if town games, treated us to gift certificates for date nights and saved seats for me at the games.
This is probably the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. He chose that job so the “coaches wife” can go ahead and spend time with him prior to these practices. Jesus Christ help is all with woman like you.
This can’t be for real. Hug the coaches wife?? You know the kids better than the parents?? Talk about feeling the void of realizing you’re not your husband’s number one priority. You make it sound like you’re holding down the fort while he’s gone to Afghanistan for 12 month rotations. You’re not. He’s across town. At school. Teaching a bunch of adolescent kids to play a stupid ass game that 99.9 percent of them will never play again after those Friday night lights turn down for the last time.
You sound resentful. Like you expect the parents to thank you for your “sacrifice”. You know you can stay home during the games right? You don’t have to be there if this lifestyle is so very taxing on you. Buy your own latte, there’s no points given for being a “coaches wife”. Jesus, I thought the military wives who wanted to be thanked for their “service” were bad. This is a whole new level.
We aren’t asking for praise. I was in the Army for 9 years and deployed overseas for 14 months. I know what it’s like to be away from home! The article didn’t compare it to a combat zone. There is always one person who takes it out of context. I also know what it’s like being a coaches wife, and it’s difficult if your spouse is fully committed to coaching youth. I’m proud of him, and the work he does because we know he doesn’t do it for the “paycheck”. We both work full time , raise our daughter, he coaches 7 days a week from July to December , and I do everything at home until the season is over. This is his passion, and I’m thankful he does this vs. sitting at a bar every night. My daughter attends film and practice and she witnesses his drive, and I’m grateful she has him to look up too. I will continue to sit away from the crowd supporting my husband under Friday night lights.
I’m struggling! I have been a coach’s wife for almost 10 years but this the first year as a mom of two small boys… 2 years and 9 months. This is also the first year he has been asked to coach two sports! Football and Basketball… As you know those sports run into each other so there is NO down time. I feel alone, overwhelmed, forgotten, just to name a few.. I also worry so much about my boys. I worry that my husband is missing them grow up. I worry that he rather be on the field or on the court than home with us.. Any words of advice or anything! would be appreciated!