While at brunch last weekend, I noticed a sweet grandmother trying to play with her granddaughter, but she was having a rough time.
“No, don’t give her that, she doesn’t need that.”
“Put her down, she doesn’t need to be carried.”
“She wants you to play with her, you can play with her.”
“Try coloring with her.”
Grandma happily obliged each request, but you could tell she was frazzled.
That interaction got me thinking about my relationship with my own parents and in-laws. And I am in no way judging that mother, because I’ve been her. Sometimes, I still am her. In my defense, I’m with my kids all the time and can’t help but anticipate and control their lives. It’s kind of my job. And once you’re on a roll, it’s hard to stop.
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But the perspective I got that morning, waiting for pancakes, was eye-opening.
We all have the best intentions, really. The controlling mom is just looking out for her kids. But the loving grandparents just want to love on their grandkids. Do us moms really need to micromanage that?
Give It Up to the Grands
Every time I’ve left my kids with their grandparents, I leave a list of instructions, but I’m fairly certain they throw that list out the window as soon as I walk out the door. And you know what — my kids end up just fine!
I know there are certain things that cannot be compromised, like rules around food allergies and safety, and I’m sure the grandparents are happy to follow those.
But other than that, do I have to micromanage what they feed the kids for dinner, what to have for dessert, how they play with the toddler, or how to hold the baby? After all, haven’t the grandparents been doing this job for a lot longer than we have? And look at how great they raised me and that awesome person I chose to spend my life and have kids with!
Micromanaging Haults the Memories
I’ll be honest, though. It’s hard to know when to speak up and when to just bite my tongue and let the grandparent make the decision.
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For example, I wasn’t planning on giving my youngest any baby food until after she turned six months. But when my mom was visiting and Natalie had just turned five months old, my mom wanted to feed her some bananas. Since my mom wasn’t going to be here when Natalie turned six months (and since my older son had tried bananas and cereal at four months and had done just fine), I decided to let my mom feed her those bananas. She ended up eating only two bites and not being interested. Nothing bad happened, and it was such a sweet moment for my mom and the baby — a moment that I had almost prevented by micromanaging.
Taking My Own Advice
The problem is that I’m not always the best at taking my own advice. Just a few weeks ago my in-laws wanted to buy Miles a new train, but I said no. He just had so many trains and isn’t as interested in them as he used to be. Instead, I insisted on Lego Duplos. He was really getting into Legos, and I thought he’d have more fun with those. I could have kept my mouth shut — he would have been happy with a train. But I didn’t. And I felt guilty.
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So when I say it’s a work in progress, it really is. I want to be more laid back and remember that I don’t need to micromanage how the grandparents interact with or take care of my kids. The best I can do is remember that they always have my kids’ best interests at heart, and also ask myself, “Do I really need to butt in?”
I didn’t know any of my grandparents, so I really want my kids to know and love theirs. I want them to have the best relationship possible. One that I don’t have to control. The kids will be happier with the lax rules and lack of tension. The grandparents will want to be around more and help more. And it really is easier for me when I give up some of that control. Sounds like a win-win-win to me!
