Is it ever ok to discipline a stranger’s child?
This question has plagued me for months now. I still don’t know if I have a great answer, but I’m hoping getting it out and getting some feedback will help me wrap my head around it.
To clarify, by discipline, I simply mean with words…in a normal tone.
Two incidents have led me to ponder this question, and I’m sure there will be many more during my time as a mom.
Scenario #1: I took my kids to the park one beautiful fall afternoon. This park has two different size play areas…one for toddlers and one for bigger kids. My 2.5 year old twins were happily playing on the toddler size play area. Suddenly some bigger kids rode up on their bikes, hopped off, ran right past the big play area and stated running up the slides and all over the small play area. 
What do I do in the situation? I calmly asked my children to come over to me and I took them over to the swings until the big kids left. What I wanted to do was tell the big kids to be careful and mindful of the smaller children and to consider playing on the more age appropriate play ground. I didn’t say anything because it was a public park and I wasn’t sure of “the rules” when it comes to other kids.
Scenario #2: We have a spot on the Boulevard at SMU where we gather with our friends before SMU home football games. We bring a small bounce house for our kids and our friends’ kids. Occasionally we get parents we don’t know come up and ask if their child can join in the bouncy fun for a few minutes. Yes, of course! Then sometimes we have people come up and put their kids in without asking, but we usually don’t say too much if there is room at the time. One time, a parent let his son get in the bounce house and left.
The child left with us was probably around 4 years old (I’m guessing…I’m really bad about that). At one point, I’m chatting with my friend and out of the corner of my eye I see a stream of liquid. The unknown little boy had pulled down his pants (to his ankles) and started relieving himself. My husband calmly (but very quickly) got up and walked to where the dad was hanging out. I just stood close to the unknown kid but didn’t say anything to him. I mean, I didn’t want him to turn in mid-stream and get me! Anyway, the dad came and got his son and made him apologize.
We had to take down the bounce house since it could have been contaminated and had to explain to all of our children that they were not in trouble but the bounce house got dirty and had to turn off. A while later, the mom of the little boy came down and thanked us for how we handled the situation with her son by not speaking to him directly. Then I started thinking about other possible scenarios. What if he started physically harming one of my children? That would have been a completely different story, but it got me thinking about what is appropriate and what isn’t when it comes to someone else’s child.
When I couldn’t come up with any firm answers, I consulted Google, naturally. The responses were all over the board from never ever reprimand someone else’s child to children sometimes react better and learn a lesson when a stranger explains it. I think it depends on the situation, age of the children involved, whether or not the parents are present, etc. Just one more learning curve on this crazy but wonderful journey!
Feel free to share your thoughts or experiences in the comments.
I think about this all the time, from the playground to those play places in the mall or the park. Good to know that other moms out there are thinking the same thing 🙂
Great job working with the little boy at the Blvd 🙂
I always have a hard time with this, too. Especially if another kid is interfering with mine somehow. I know I’m fine with another parent saying something to my kids if they are hurting theirs or something, so I guess within reason, I’m fine with it. As long as it is done with grace!
Thanks for the feedback. The general conversations I have had with moms is that it is ok to to gently tell a child if he is doing something wrong. However, that is within my circle of friends and family. I did have a friend who tried to say something to a big kid at a playground and basically got scolded by the mom. However, I would guess that is rare.
I have no problem with making a “correction” on someone else’s child, especially if the child’s parent is not around. I am respectful to the child and I don’t make sweeping accusations, but I may something such as “probably not a good idea to spit on the slides at the park because that is #1-gross, #2-your mother wouldn’t approve, and #3-could spread germs and #4-not respectful of public property”. Admittedly, when I get to #4, the kid is so amazed that a stranger is correcting them, they are glazed over and stop the behavior. Guaranteed, they are not going to do it again, ever. (BTW- I don’t walk around correcting children everywhere, but I will when it is unsafe, gross and affects others). My baby boys are just old enough (12 and 18) that they are not under my thumb all of the time, and yet they still make childish decisions, some even slightly dangerous. We’ve chosen a suburb that has children in every home and although I don’t agree with all parenting styles, we all agree that our children should be respectful to others property, safe, a good citizen to the environment, kind to others and well mannered in public.
My point? Raise your kids in an environment where they behave because it is socially required. Chose a neighborhood and town that closely resembles your values and sensibility and puts children above all else. Then you can trust the other parents (insert shop owners, grandparents, teachers, the school janitor, etc) to keep a silent eye on your child when your not around. I don’t want other parents to be “parenting” my child all the time, but it’s nice to know there are “eyes” all around. It does take a village…. and although parents are the primary force in raising a child to the age of 10 or 11, studies show that peers, other adults and mentors and external forces takes over. Choose an environment, school and neighborhood you can live and share the challenges of raising kids and you will sleep a little more soundly at night.
We were at the park yesterday, and a child probably two years older than my 21 month old started kicking my daughter in the face. Just to be mean. Since her parents were nowhere in sight, I told the little girl to stop kicking my child in the face. Personally, I feel that if you’re going to sit on a bench and allow your child to wander out of sight, you give other parents the right to discipline your child with words, especially if they’re hurting other children, as long as those words do not involve name calling etc… But if the parent(s) are trying to discipline their child, I stay out of it and pick up my daughter and go to the other side of the park.
Last summer rowdy nine year olds invaded the baby pool at the HP pool and I had no problem yelling at them to get out. They literally ran over a 1 year old who was toddling around the baby pool. Kids know better at that age.
The bouncy house story is crazy. Kids I don’t know that are older and bigger than my toddler worry me. I cannot even believe that actually happened!!!