Recently out for a girl’s night with friends, I was asked by another member of the group if my husband was babysitting, letting my daughter jump off the sofa and eating ice cream. Sure, part of me hoped so – who doesn’t want test the boundaries and have some fun on a beautiful Saturday? The real question being asked, though, was if I was at peace with a rare occasion of entrusting my daughter with her father, resolving myself to the fact that the rules I solely decide and set in place would be shot to hell by the time I was home. Why do people assume Dads can’t be parents too?
The question and mindset seems the norm, and something I was raised through media and popular thought to believe. Before having our baby, I used to grieve my career I hadn’t left, stress about decisions I hadn’t made yet and become overwhelmed at the thought of being responsible for raising a child on my own. It seemed only certain that my independent, creative life would immediately collapse into itself and I would be the exacerbated Mom juggling all of the day to day needs during 9-5 and taking on the parenting theories, school development tracks and allergy-friendly lunchbox recipes solo at night. My capable, hard working husband would be instantly dopey and clueless at the arrival of our child. From Married with Children, Everybody Loves Raymond and even for the lovable Cleavers or Modern Family, Dad just doesn’t seem to get it.
Then I actually became a Mom. And like everything we’ve done before, my husband was by my side, all in with me. We staggered our time off from work and were on the baby pit crew together. We both got to know and fall in love with our baby and each other more as well. As parenting becomes more complicated and work piles up for both of us, maintaining a co-parenting balance has taken more effort. The same media channels, blogs and memes that will tell you surrendering to total chaos is part of being a mother, or that you need help to raise strong children, are the ones who set Dad up as a punch line. In every decade of television, the women are commonly the capable and unfaltering heads of the house and Dads are the laugh track. I’m happy to say with a considerable effort, the parents in our house are each an equal mix of both.
I wouldn’t say staying on the same page as my husband and having mutual trust in our parenting is easy, but it’s been some of the most rewarding use of our time since our daughter was born. There’s some reasons why it may not come naturally, and we’ve started to find some positive ways to keep dialogue going when we’re together to build confidence in our independent parenting decisions.
One of the biggest gaps I first noticed in trying to keep equal opinions in our parenting was the unequal distribution of information on raising children between women and men. When I wake up in the morning and throughout my day, I am constantly exposed to new articles and responses about raising children – feeding, discipline, education, the works. I soon realized the parenting theories and studies I saw on my Facebook, posted by either women’s sites or other women I know, are not being discussed on my husband’s sports radio channel. It was harder for him to see new ideas and subscribe to them when they’re not presented and discussed in the male world. Finding parenting information we both relate to and subscribing together, sharing articles with each other to read before bed a few times a week and suggesting a book I liked as a possible audio book download for his commute has made us both architects of our family’s values system. Why would one of us want to spend alone time with our child going against what we believe is best for her when it’s a plan we both believe in?
On our way to finding the best communication style for us, I would find myself acting like a stereotype, wondering why I had to say something 50 times for it not to be remembered or done the way I had hoped for. When I was ready to throw my hands up and fall into a life of doing it all myself so it could be right, my husband helped me understand his learning style. Just like it took us years to figure out the best way to study for school, we have our system down now for learning the new ways we do things, from sharing calendars, what goes in the lunchbox or medicine schedules. I need to talk through the plan out loud so I remember and my husband needs to write it down. It’s a common practice in our house now for me to begin rambling my to-do list and get a time out signal while he runs to the next room for a paper and pen. I think it’s fair to expect my partner to be able to keep on top of our shared responsibilities, and easier when we make the effort to understand and accommodate how we learn new things. After all, every day as a first time parent brings something new to discuss, decide and learn together.
As much as communicating and planning with my husband helps, the weight and anxiety of doing it all alone is lifted the most when I trust him and let go. Do I breathe easier picking the outfit for picture day? Sure. But day to day, I try to remember that what’s most important for my daughter is to know is that we’re a team that cares about her development – from the small things to the big picture. On my best days, I talk to my husband, I seek to understand and engage him and then I let trust and love smooth over the rest.
How we share in parenting is always changing as our daughter grows and our jobs develop, so please fill me in on how you keep your house a team!
Thank you for this post. My husband and I are challenging the “norm” in raising our daughter – I work full time while he takes care of her during the day. Almost five months in we are still trying to figure ourselves out, so I appreciate this post and the insights about dads as partners in parenting as opposed to “babysitters” who only show up in the nights and on weekends.
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment! I am so glad you are doing what is best for your family. I’ve found the more engaged my husband is, the more he really enjoys stepping up and the closer he becomes to our daughter. It’s a win-win!