If ever I thought I was emotional during my 1st pregnancy, I was in for a world of surprise with my 2nd (& twin) pregnancy!
For better or for worse, I’m usually not an overly emotional person. I’m not someone you’d refer to as a “crier.” I certainly experienced a gamut of emotions through my first pregnancy but nothing that was out of the ordinary under the circumstances. In fact, my little brother even commented to my husband that he wished I was pregnant more often because I was so even-keeled and laid back (apparently, I’m not those things normally???).
I haven’t had the pleasure of spending as much time with my little brother this pregnancy (he lives in a different city), but I don’t think he’d be singing the same praises this time around. For starters, there are many emotions and thoughts I’ve had over the last 7 months that I’m not very proud of, and they certainly don’t fall under the heading of “even-keeled” or “laid back.”
#1
Even though my husband and I were intentional about our 2nd pregnancy, from the first day we found out we were pregnant, I’d get incredibly sad and teary-eyed realizing that my 1st born (who will almost be two when our twin-littles are born) will never remember our family as just the three of us. I couldn’t even share these feelings with my husband without instantly starting to cry. And the funny thing is, I’m sure that thought will never even occur to our 1st born. Maybe it’s more about my guilt that I’ll be losing my alone time with my son and that at such a young age he now has to share his parents with two needy newborns.
#2
I’m a neat freak by nature, and although a little bit of that anal-retentive neatness around the house has been sacrificed after the birth of my first, it really hasn’t been that different. For the most part, I’m still able to keep up with my preferred state of cleanliness and house order. But here’s my shameful admission: it makes me tense and even angry to realize (and be continually reminded by others) that soon I really will have to sacrifice my rigid standards of clean and orderly. Having everything in its place brings me a huge sense of comfort, peace and ultimately happiness. But unless I want to run myself truly ragged, I know I must learn to do what one of our other contributors recently wrote about. I must learn to just let it go. If only that were as easy as it sounds {sigh}.
#3
Every new mom has had someone older and wiser tell her to “live in the moment” or “enjoy every minute” because “they grow up so fast.” Ideally, I guess we should all – kids or no kids – strive to live in the moment, which makes me even more embarrassed and guilt-stricken to admit that from the minute we learned we were having twins, I’ve been dreaming of and longing for a time about 4 or 5 years from now. A time when I won’t be suffering from sleep deprivation. A time when I won’t have three children under the age of five needing some sort of costly childcare. A time when I won’t have three sets of diapers to change or three baths to give every night. I know, I know, one day I will miss all the things associated with my babies and toddler. At least that’s what I’m told. I guess I’ll have to experience that to really believe it.
I know that no matter the age of my children – 3 months, 3 years or even 30 years – parenting will always be a wonderful challenge that I will never regret accepting and embracing. But as I waddle through these next few weeks of what will likely be my last pregnancy ever, my sincere wish is that of all the mixed emotions I will feel over the years, that my gratitude will forever remain in tact.
Despite my recent fear, sadness, anger, guilt, and embarrassment over various realities in my life, above all else, I’m truly grateful for so many things – a wonderful husband, 2 uncomplicated pregnancies, one smooth labor and delivery (and hopefully another), a healthy son (and hopefully two more healthy sons) and generous, loving and endlessly helpful family and friends.
What more could a mom of three boys under the age of 2 ask for? Other than a strong cocktail, of course!
What thoughts and/or emotions have surprised you on your journey as a mom or mom-to-be?
I cried on the way to the hospital with every single baby. The first time because of contractions (and fear)…the second, third and fourth times because of the baby or babies I was leaving at home and how what I was doing (having another!) would impact and change their lives dramatically. I felt guilty for rocking their worlds…I felt sad that what had grown comfortable would have to change for all of us. But, at the same time, I knew that the new addition would enrich everyone’s lives as well. And, now…almost 2 years post baby number…I see how siblings have changed our family…for the better! You will have some hard adjustment days ahead…no doubt…but on the otherside (and I would argue you won’t have to wait 4 years to get to that other side!)…it’ll all be good! 🙂
Thank you, Heather! Hearing about/reading experiences like yours definitely makes me feel better and puts my mind at ease. But I cried just reading your comment…ha! Pregnancy hormones are relentless!
I recently delivered twin boys and I can attest to the whirlwind of emotions. I was equally excited and anxious about the changes to come, though I spent many hours contemplating how will I protect my marriage, how will I show both boys equal attention, how will I survive, etc. What a joy it has been – these sweet babies are such a blessing and have changed our family dynamics for the better. You will love every second – there is something so special about twins. Congratulations on this exciting new journey you’re embarking on!
Angela,
Thank you for your words of encouragement…they made me smile! How old are your twin boys now? Are the post twin prego hormones even worse? Have they started getting better yet? I feel like if I at least try to prepare myself for what’s to come, it may be a little easier to handle.
Congrats on your twin boys!
Multiples can really do a number on your head! Congrats and welcome to the world of three boys! 🙂
Thank you, Pam! How old are your boys?
Michelle,
If it makes you feel any better we all experience what you are experiencing just on different levels. My 1 child per family friends worry about not having siblings for their child, whether they will scar them for depending on the one child for care later in life, spoiling them, validation etc. My point is it doesn’t matter if you have 1 or 4 (like myself) we all carry worry, fear, elation, etc. in our hearts and wonder if we are mastering all things for our child/children. *Sigh*…just the nature of (especially) Motherhood I suppose. With our first child I was just so thankful to have her (it was a long process), then the twins came along 16 months later and I felt incredibly (doubly blessed) but yet out of my mind with (how will we master this)….but we did and do and so will you. Fast forward another 16 months after the twins, our most recent bundle came along less than 2 weeks ago (when by all accounts it wasn’t “possible” per medical doctors) then I truly relaxed and was thrilled because I knew and felt it was God’s way of saying you are doing a great job…and to keep up the good work! 🙂 The ultimate validation, right! Each child has a different circumstance and special meaning (our first child was our first experience at parenthood and that’s magical, the twins are a double blessing of something I knew nothing about at the time – 2 boys and the true meaning of multi-tasking, and our (no doubt) last son is a miracle baby and is meant to change the world (ok, ok…maybe just the lives of my husband and myself) but I look at him with such delight because I know this is my last shot of experiencing pregnancy. Some may say it should be enough – 4 kids and all, but I finally felt my purpose in life/on this earth/my calling if you will – was reached each and every time. All births were full of the same hospital procedures, but each one was like the first time – full of wonder, GRACE and healthy babies. Thanks be to God! You and Jeff will be amazing parents, you CAN have your clean house and keep yourself “together” it just takes a little more planning (which we both know you EXCEL at) and patience and ability to laugh at situations when times get tough! Embrace the magical journey my friend! Hugs.