On a recent trip to the playground I noticed my son being pushed and picked on by another boy. The other child’s mother shrugged and replied, “Well, boys will be boys.” Frustrated I asked myself, “What does that even mean?”
Perhaps it means that males, born with more testosterone than girls, are naturally aggressive and more likely to push and play rough. But is a boy’s gender a socially acceptable excuse for this behavior? If a little girl did this, I think the consequences would be different. But why?
Most societies impart certain stereotypes and roles on males. Masculinity often means being aggressive, repressing one’s feelings, hiding any vulnerability, and becoming independent of others. So, when I hear people say “Boys will be boys” I worry if we are excusing the aggressive behavior that grows up to fulfill these stereotypes.
I want to raise my boys to fill different shoes. Men that treat others with respect, share their feelings, accept they will be vulnerable, and aren’t afraid to depend on someone else at times. These are the qualities I believe make a strong man, loving husband and caring father. 
Now I’m not completely naïve. I accept that boys will play ninja warriors, cowboys and football – each with its own role for aggressiveness. But my hope is that when tensions escalate, that my boys will take a step back before reacting.
And if they don’t, I’m there to hold them accountable. After all, while “boys will be boys” today, “boys will be – men” tomorrow and it’s our job as moms to prepare them to be good ones at that.
Some ideas on how we can raise our boys to be sensitive and caring men:
- We can love our boys – the more loved they feel, the more their feelings are acknowledged and the more they learn to express them in a healthy way is the boy that will grow up into a man that will make a loving companion.
- We can show by example in a healthy home life how we treat the ones we love with respect. A marriage where there is tension and anger rubs off on children. Try and have your disagreements in another room away from children and try your best not to raise your voice.
- We can encourage their feelings and help them understand what they mean
- Support their feelings, get them to talk about their feelings, help channel their “natural testosterone” into something better. Help them understand what is appropriate behavior and what isn’t. They need to take responsibility for their actions and we should not be afraid to show them our disapproval of certain behavior.
- We can accept their differences and not try to mold them into the stereotypical man
- A strict no spanking policy – kids learn from example. Studies show that if you hit, they will hit.
- Do not accept “boys will be boys” and teach our boys about respecting others space and feelings – that rough play and bullying will not be tolerated.
Most boys (and girls) are gentle, loving and caring souls, not tiny versions of stereotypical masculinity. I want to raise my boys not to be weak, but strong loving men with confidence in themselves and their feelings. After all, boys will be men.
I love this post and think it’s such an important topic! I did however, use spanking as a controlled, careful discipline tactic. I think it can be used appropriately and boys will still turn out to be the strong and gentle men we are hoping to raise. As always I think it’s good to consider the individual child, the situation, and the way spanking is carried out when making those kinds of discipline decisions.
Great article Lindsey Edison ! That is an excellent approach to parenting your son who will turn out a good man because of it. Although i have 3 girls who are very sensitive and sweet and because god has gifted me with such a thing i have a very different approach to my one and only boy in our family . I thought no doubt about it im going to raise him in a very masculine rough and tough sort of way !! That was not the case at all, it was my experience that my girls and there mother/my wife showed me how to use a different approach one that was a gentile but stern, as well as loving but also strong minded, positive but not arrogant, and most important was i absolutely had to be REAL with the lil guy he could see right thru it when i would sugar coat things he would ignore what i said and keep on his aggressive, arrogant behavior, unlike my daughters who always love it when daddy pampers them lol. So the end result was a boy who is now 14 and has an excellent attitude and treats his peers and elders with respect ! Best part of it i never had to nor wanted to use physical punishment with him, thank god for that. All in all a very insightful article and i hope to see many more 🙂
I was spanked as a child and I’ve never hit another person in my life. I think that particular item depends on the child. I’ve had children in my extended family who are never spanked and are total nightmares to babysit because no other forms of discipline help. I’ve had children in my extended family who are spanked who are well behaved and grow up to be polite and respectful teenagers. There are also children spanked who are total nightmares to deal with. It just depends on the kid. I believe in using the form of discipline on each individual child that works best for them as an individual rather than parenting by trend.