Baby Daddy Diaries: Communication 101

I dropped the ball this morning as a dad.

Halle was crying at 6:15 AM (Of course you know it was AM, who cares about a PM story- AM stories are the ones that harden us and make us stare into the mirror as we examine our baggy eyes and wonder, “whose idea was it to have a baby anyway?”)

At any rate, I heard the sad cries of our beautiful infant daughter and did what any loving father would do…I rolled over and continued dreaming about the perfect dinner which is obviously comprised of a hybrid turkey-ham-sausage dish that is filled with pastrami and covered in nacho cheese and subsequently deep-fried. You know it sounds awesome. Anyways, back to the story. Halle was crying and I rolled over.

Before you begin to think of me as one of “those” dads, I will have you know I am thoroughly attuned to our daughter’s schedule and I knew it was much earlier than she usually wakes up. Later in the morning, my wife said to me, ” I wish you would have let me sleep and gone to get Halle.” WHAT? What about baby-wise? What about letting her cry it out? And what about asking me to do it? And then I realized it. This was one of those unspoken moments of communication.

The problem is, I don’t understand unspoken communication. And Moms, I have news for you, no man understands unspoken communication. As hard as we try, we end up looking like a confused cocker spaniel tilting our head back and forth while emitting a low frequency whimper. What could she mean? Why is she upset? Did I doze off when she explicitly asked me to do the thing she is now upset about? Oh. Wait a minute. This is one of those womanly unspoken communication moments.

Ladies, I am here to promote unity and harmony between parents and one of the best things I can tell you is hit us in the head with what you want us to hear. Verbally bruise us with simplicity. In an act of blunt-force trauma, assault us with your clarity.

Here are a few examples:

1)” Can you get the baby? I am drained. My nipples have been abused by our strong-willed child and I need you to take him/her before I go Lohan-style-crazy.”

2)”Please pick up your socks, the dog’s toys, the dirty dishes, and our child’s bibs.    (specificity is especially important when you ask your husband to “pick up.” His and your definition of “pick up” differ wildly.)

3) ” I need to get out of the house, so that I preserve some shred of sanity and do not go Kate Gosselin on yo butt. (this is a welcome bit of specificity rather than vague notions of “being sleepy” or “having a tough day.”

In closing, ladies, I would like to run with the cocker spaniel image from earlier. Our dog, Bauer, responds to two things: 1) direct commands 2) bribes. When you don’t have a snausage to give your husband, then use direct commands. It helps. We like it. If a crystal ball or a lucky guess is needed to discern your request, then it probably won’t get done. Consider yourself warned.