Dear Child-Free Friend(s):
I feel terrible about the last 5 years. I feel that I owe you an apology, but also an explanation. I haven’t been around. I haven’t initiated getting together, and several of the times you initiated I wasn’t able to make it. The invites have tapered off. I still think that you are amazing, beautiful, interesting, and EXACTLY the type of person I want to talk to at least several times a week.
It’s not you, it’s me.
No, really, it is. I take full responsibility for the decreased time that we have had together, the emotional distance when physically we live so nearby. I haven’t always handled this transition from zero children to two babies in two years with grace. It is only due to my husband’s incredible faithfulness and patience and a marriage program at our church that even our marriage has survived these years. I hung on, sometimes with just my fingernails, to the barest of essentials — sleep, food, and sanity. A lot of the other things just slipped — bathing, watching TV that did not involve animation, jobs that required too much brain power, and sometimes even friendships.
I didn’t understand this phenomena before I had children. For several years after we were married, all our friends had children and we didn’t. We were puzzled by a number of things that now make complete sense. Now that we are 5 years in, here are the obstacles that I have been running into when I try to maintain quality time with you, my child-free friend(s).
I am afraid that I am mind-numbingly boring now.
I don’t watch TV anymore, aside from animated or educational children’s TV, so I have no idea who you are talking about when you mention current reality TV or cable shows. We only see one movie per year because sitters are FAR too expensive. I actually don’t know who most of the young celebrities are anymore. I tend to use phrases like “going to the potty” and the word “poop” in a sentence casually at the table without noticing. I am not really sure what I should be allowed to be talking to people my age at all, lest I open my mouth and expose a mind with the vocabulary of a 5 year old. Which leads to…
I probably talk about my children too much.
Since I quit my “real job”, watching every single ridiculous, cute, and irritating thing that my children do IS my job. I could talk for 45 minutes about school enrollment, the vaccination debate, or how much screen time we feel is appropriate, but you will fall asleep in the first 5 minutes. At one time in our marriage, we spent 2 hours a week at a group gathering listening to other people talk about their kids. I wanted stop up my ears with one of those baby blankets. I get it. I just don’t know how to fix it (see #1).
Where/how to get together is an issue.
It used to be easy to just meet at a restaurant or go to a movie or a play. But now, eating anywhere (including at my own house, 3 times a day) with children is excruciatingly painful. The whining, the yelling, the sitting there for 2 hours while they both make up long, rambling stories and still haven’t eaten a single noodle. Having people over to my train wreck of a house and attempting to cook food that adults would actually enjoy while my children destroy the house I just cleaned is exhausting to think about. Getting a sitter so that we can all go out to eat together is somewhere around $1,000,000 before we even leave the house.
I don’t assume that you want to hang out with my children.
Before I had kids, there was a reason I didn’t have kids. I wasn’t interested in hanging out with children. My niece is an exceptionally brilliant child and I love her, but I also loved giving her back. I often felt like my friends with children never heard a word that I said when we were out with their kids. They never got to finish a sentence or complete a thought. And now that I have my own, it is the same way. I can actually verify for you that I currently never finish a sentence or complete a thought, and I won’t if the kids are present. Unfortunately, the kids are always present, so that’s a obstacle.
I am sure that I will have to discipline my children in front of you.
If we choose to get together with my children, they will definitely, inevitably show off by refusing to listen to anything and everything I say. The point will come that I (or my husband) will have to put the foot down and come up with a consequence. You might not agree with that consequence, and your opinion is valid and I respect it. But that might not stop you from thinking I’m just a little bit of a monster to deal out punishment to some obviously adorable children. I only say this because I had that same reaction when my husband and I were child-free around our friends with children. We would have optimistic, we’ll-do-it-differently conversations in the car on the way home. It’s completely understandable.
I might not be the same person that I was before I had kids.
There’s a little bit of the basic fear that I don’t even know if you’ll like me anymore. We might have bonded over a lot of things that I just can’t access at this lifestage. Or maybe we’ve just met and you’ve hung out with our family, but without the kids to “ooo” and “ah” over, I don’t know quite where to go from there (see #1 and #2).
Either way, please do not think that I only want to hang out with other parents. I DO want to hang out with you. I’m just not quite sure how to go about it. I’d love your ideas. Here’s something to get us started: hosting guilt-free dinners. I am about to try this one out. If anyone else has tried it, I’d love to hear about it!
Child-free friends out there, do you have ideas for us moms to stay connected to you? Or moms, how dow you stay connected to your child-free friends? Please leave your suggestions in the comments!
I love the article, Jenny! I am kid-free and it has taken me years to accept and embrace all my friends’ lifestyle with kids and how that changes our friendship dynamic. One thing I like to do several times a year, is host a crafting weekend at a lake house for some of my mommy friends, kid- pet- and husband-free. They eat it up! They love that 1) it’s a productive weekend for them, 2) it gives them a much needed break from the mommy everyday grind and 3) selfishly, I get to spend lots of time with them. It seems worth it to all parties and it’s fun!
I can tell you as someone who is “child-free,” as you put it, that we really just appreciate the effort. We don’t expect you to be the same. If you’ve made the effort to stay in contact, we probably love your kids. I CERTAINLY hope you discipline them, at all times, and I would rather see that than think you’re raising spoiled brats. We get that your mind is in kid-mode 24/7, but THAT’S why it’s so imperative that you get out of that mode once in awhile. If sitters are not in your budget, get dad to stay home with the kids and come have ladies night (and reciprocate, so dad can have guys night). My best mom friend leaves her littles with Dad and comes out with me for a movie, or dinner, or theatre or concert, once a month. She says she’d go crazy if she didn’t. We get that you’re freaking exhausted at the end of the day, and you don’t feel like going anywhere — so ask us to come have a glass of wine after the kids are in bed. We don’t care that your house is a wreck. We just don’t want the relationship to fall by the wayside completely. And it takes effort on your part — if you don’t make at least SOME effort, we will move on and drift apart, because we think you don’t care anymore and are having your friendship needs fulfilled by other moms. And if we were close, that’s the saddest thing.
P.S. And no, I won’t think your 2-year-old is a spoiled brat because she melts down over not getting the pink cup at snack time. I get that she’s TWO. (I will only think she’s spoiled if you give her the pink cup to stop the tantrum.) 😉
Oh, Olivia. You almost get it. Picking battles is something that one doesn’t quite fully understand UNTIL there’s a toddler involved.
Movies every 3 months. 1 thing I do 4 gifts now 4 my sister is coupons 4 babysitting. I have nephews who are 8 and 10 respectively.book club was another way 2 get involved.lunch or just a coffee once and a while. Errands can be fun as well if you do them with a friend.