5 Ways to Support a Mom Through {Difficult} Days

I am no stranger to surviving difficult times while being a mom. My children were born five and a half years ago. Since then, I have had five major surgeries, the removal of three organs, a cancer diagnosis, at least 2 hospital stays a year, and multiple chronic health conditions.

Because of my experiences, I started Mommies In Need, a non-profit that provides free childcare and support to parents going through a health crisis. That organization provides so much joy in my life, but it also means that I have seen 27 other women go through their own very difficult times. And unfortunately, for several of these moms, it also meant walking with them through their final days on this earth.

The past few months of my life have been particularly challenging and full of immense grief. My 28-year-old brother passed away suddenly and tragically just before Thanksgiving. A month before that I lost a good friend (and MIN Mommy) after a 7-year cancer battle. And this past weekend, I visited another friend who is on hospice and doesn’t have much time left.

This is not meant to depress you—I consider myself lucky! My support system is incredible. I have parents who will drop anything to help me, a husband who is unfailing in his care for me, kids who are hilarious and extremely huggable, and a collection of friends and family members who have seen me through every step of my journey.

But my complicated life has made me something of an expert, not only in dealing with my difficult days, but also in figuring out the best ways to support other moms who are facing their own challenges.

The list below works for any type of difficult time. Maybe it’s a cancer diagnosis, or maybe someone is struggling with the transition from one to two children. Maybe your friend is dealing with the loss of a loved one, or maybe they are struggling with postpartum depression. Whatever the crisis, you can use this list as a guide of practical ways you can help support mom and see her through.

How to Support a Mom Through Difficult Times

Let Them Vent

When life is hard, there are a million people around who will offer platitudes and try to make the suffering person see the silver lining in their situation. But what most people in the middle of a crisis really need is a safe person who will listen to them complain about how terrible they feel without trying to fix it. Husbands are often not good at this, so it’s where mom friends can really help. Yes, our first instinct is to shy away from the yucky feelings, but those are the most important to process. My opinion is that the best thing you can say to someone venting their feelings to you is “That sucks. I wish you didn’t have to go through this, but I am here to walk it with you.”

Offer Specific Help

The most common thing people say to a friend who is in a difficult situation is “Let me know what I can do to help.” The sentiment is kind, but the truth is that in the middle of a crisis, the person often doesn’t have the energy to think of ways for you to help. I’ve found that very specific offers are best. Text your friend: “Going to Target today, can I pick up some basics for you?” or “Headed to Zoe’s Kitchen to get take-out for dinner, what can I bring you guys?” And don’t be irritated if they don’t respond. Keep offering, and when they are ready, they will take you up on it.

Give Them a Rest

As moms, we constantly put our own mental and physical health far behind our care for our kids. But as they say, “Put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting other passengers.” Help your friend find her room to breathe. Maybe she needs time for a long walk to help process (or just a long nap). Again, be specific in your offer. A text of “Going to the zoo tomorrow morning, can I swing by and get your littles to give you a break?” is much more likely to be of help then the more general “Let me know if I can take the kids for you sometime.” Again, the sentiment is great, but responding to it takes a lot of mental energy and requires the mom to actually reach out and ask for help. I don’t know about you, but I am often reluctant to ask for assistance (but extremely grateful when someone swoops in and offers it in a tangible way).

Give Them a Useful Gift and/or a Meaningful Note

My favorite? An Uber Eats Gift Card. They can order from just about anywhere whenever they feel like they just can’t cook. Meal trains are great, but sometimes it’s hard to anticipate when you’re going to need that help. Some other useful gift ideas include cozy slippers, lip balm, hand cream, magazines, adult coloring books with colored pencils, or frozen meals they can heat up anytime. A few kind words on a card can also make a huge difference. Texts or Facebook messages of support are great, but consider following that up with an actual card in the mail or one dropped off in person. I have a box where I keep all of the ones I have been given, and I turn to it when I need to be reminded of the love that surrounds me.

Schedule Some Girl Time

This one is key. When a friend is dealing with a difficult point in her life, one of the greatest gifts you can give her is something to look forward to. Maybe it’s inviting her to a Girls’ Night Out to have a drink or go see a movie. Or you can come over during nap time and bring coffee and a treat to share. When moms are in the middle of a crisis, a bit of relief from having to think about their situation all the time is extremely welcome. Make sure to pick something that fits your friend and her situation. The middle of a serious illness is probably not the best time to invite your introverted friend out dancing. But maybe she would be up for getting a mani/pedi and brunch. Taking time away to be with friends is always good for the soul, and when we’re hurting, making some fun new memories is a great way forward.

Do you have anything to add to the list? Please comment with your ideas for helping friends and providing support in a time of crisis! What was most helpful to you when you went through a tough time?