“Going from 1 kiddo to 2 is so much harder than going from 0 kids to 1 so be prepared” – said my doctor.
For the life of me, I could not make sense of that statement because I was already in the parenting game, I had faith in my parental capabilities and I knew what I was doing! (For the most part… I mean do any of us parents REALLY know what we are doing??).
Regardless of her warning, I felt confident that bringing home baby #2 would be a piece of cake. Her older sibling would be nothing short of wonderful. Nothing I hadn’t done before right?
*cue delusional laughter*
I think back to my sweet doctor and try to remember the advice I brushed off and her kind words assuring me that I would be ok even when I wasn’t and eventually everything would just fall into place. Why oh why didn’t I listen? Oh right, because “I knew what I was doing.” I brought home my 2nd baby girl and immediately had that crippling wave of doubt and thought to myself “Why…why did they let me leave with this tiny human??”
The age gap between the two girls has proven to be quite an obstacle. My oldest spent 8 years being my one and only, so for her to have to understand she has to share the spotlight with a sister has been a difficult transition, although she would never admit it. She is a champ and a trooper… a “gold medalist” of daughters. Naturally, a new baby requires just about all of the attention and energy a mother can possibly give, and then some. Mom-guilt made itself a cozy little home in the corner of my brain reminding me every single day that I was failing. All of you mommas know exactly what I’m talking about; that awful nagging voice screaming “you are a failure” at the top of its lungs! I worried everyday how I was going to balance caring for my new baby as well as trying to maintain the same level of quality time with daughter #1. Every night for the first couple of months, I was emotionally drained and would ugly-sob because I really felt that failure in my soul. Balancing “mom of two” life HAD to get better and it had to get better FAST! I’m here to say, after 7 months of trial and error, I have found a balance that just about shuts down that nagging mom-guilt! Moms, you know the struggle is real, but there are subtle ways to remind the older siblings they are still loved and important…without losing all of your sanity!
-
- Ask for opinions – Before Madison was born, Marli and I would sit on Pinterest and look for things like clothes and nursery inspiration! She loved having her voice heard, and trust me, she is opinionated… especially since the two girls would be sharing a room! Marli’s exact words were “we need to make sure the baby theme works well with my grown up room vibe.” I would ask what she thought about certain clothes I bought and even down to bath toys. We would walk the baby aisle at Target and Marli would take lead as to what items we should have for her baby sister. Now that the baby is here, Marli likes to help me out anyway she can because she feels her opinions matter!
- Older Sibling Gift – Once Madison was born, we made sure we had a gift for Marli too. We tried to constantly remind her that her role in her sister’s life was one of the most important roles! My plan was to also make a “Big Sis Survival” bag, but I didn’t get that far because I was induced 3 weeks early. I do love this idea though. Pack a bag with cute books about being an older sibling, create little awards for them, include candy, snacks or special treats, headphones, etc. You can go a million different directions with this! The main thing is just reminding them they are not forgotten or replaced and hyping them up for the change that is about to occur! (This is why Pinterest was created!)
- Place emphasis on their role – These kiddos need to be reminded being an older sibling is incredibly crucial to the growth of baby! Several times throughout the day, any time a “baby task” would present itself I would act as though it was really trying and ask for help! It could be something as simple as a diaper change, but I would find a way to make sure kiddo #1 knew she was needed! I remember one day Marli was feeling especially lonely, I guess you could say because the baby was having a horrific day due to her reflux. I called her into the room once it was time for diaper change and said (in my most exasperated tone possible) “I could REALLY use your help here! Sis is having a tough time letting me change her diaper. Maybe she will calm down if you held her hand?” She immediately grabbed her tiny sister’s hand and began to stroke her head. Once the diaper change was over, I made sure Marli knew how grateful I was for her big help. Obviously I could’ve made it through a diaper change just fine, but her attitude completely changed after that! Marli was proud and eager to help again. It’s the little things right?
- Say YES!! – 9 times out of 10, my knee jerk reaction was to say NO when Marli asked to basically do anything that would require a ton of supervision. That’s awful I know, but hey, new moms are exhausted, unshowered , wearing vomit and poop half the time and I wasn’t trying to add anything else to this hot mess. Eventually, a lightbulb went off when she looked incredibly disappointed that I said no to painting and it was like “Why am I REALLY saying no? I’m already filthy and so is the house. She’s almost 9 years old and actually very responsible for her age. Do it to it kid”. She would ask to do certain art projects all the time because it’s one of her favorite things, I just started saying yes and our agreement was she had to keep the art project on newspapers, in my line of sight and clean up completely after she was done. That’s it. She knew the rules and abided by them. She was happy! ( For me personally, this was my “duh” moment and I felt pretty awful I hadn’t been saying yes more to things she was doing before the baby arrived!)
- 1-on-1 –1-on-1 time has been the hardest for me since we brought Maddy home. It probably is the hardest for most parents, but maintaining a level of that special time with the older sibs is a must. There is no way it will resemble quality time before the baby and I’m not saying every day for hours and hours, but mix it up! Establish a set game night or art project night. Marli and I have game nights on 1 or 2 weeknights after homework is done and Maddy is napping. Most nights, we try to read a couple of chapters of a book together before bedtime to end the day with that special 1-on-1. Trust me, there are many days we don’t get to have the mom/daughter time, but when we do, I do everything possible to make the most of it.
Every family dynamic is different and, of course, no 2 children are the same. My point is, I think we moms make it a lot harder on ourselves because we feel pulled in 76 different directions. We are caretakers, we want to do it all and make sure we don’t allow disruption in our kids lives! This really is unrealistic and exhausting because some form of disruption is 99.9% guaranteed to happen! The reality is we are NOT superhuman with magical, unlimited energy and ability to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders! RELAX — Kids are super resilient and smarter than we give them credit for! Moms are amazing creatures don’t get me wrong, but I mean even Wonder Woman needs help now and again… and she doesn’t have kids!
Do not stretch yourself to a breaking point, like I did, trying to keep your kids in an unrealistic, undisrupted bubble to preserve their “before baby” life. It is all about communication, small moments as well as the occasional big moments to remind them that in a world of constant change, your love for them is a consistent, strong & steady love they can always count on!
