We cannot be with our kids 24/7. Even if we could, are we equipped with the information we need to protect them? Have we armed our children with the tools to make the best choices when we cannot be with them? Have we built trust and cultivated an open line of communication? Do our kids feel comfortable and safe talking to us in any situation? Are our kids too young to hear about abuse?
These are questions that bounce around my head about child safety, and I’m guessing yours, too. Consequently, I sought up-to-date answers from the experts at Dallas Children’s Advocacy Center and Genesis Women’s Shelter.
Here are the takeaways they want all parents and caregivers to know about child abuse prevention. Some may be difficult to accept.
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411 on Child Abuse
All communities have child abusers. Yes, even yours. Click the links below to learn the difference between the types of child abuse, and key factors for determining your child’s risk of being exposed to abuse.
- There are different types of child abuse. All can be as damaging as physical abuse — physical, sexual, emotional/psychological/verbal abuse, and neglect.
- Abuse bundles. Emotional abuse often occurs concurrently with sexual abuse. The same applies for physical and verbal abuse, and child abuse often occurs with domestic violence.
- People are more likely to become abusers if they have previously been abused. BREAK THE CYCLE.
- Corporal punishment is against the law in Texas.
Ask Questions
Be vigilant in knowing the details of your child’s whereabouts and the adults in charge of them.
- For sleepovers or going to a friend’s house, know who will be in the house, whether it’s other friends (same/different gender) or other family members.
- Ask if they have firearms. If so, are the firearms locked up and secured?
- If you don’t feel comfortable asking these questions, consider if you know the other family well enough for your kids to stay at their house. Probably not.
- Know the people serving in organizations where you trust your child to go, i.e. schools, daycares, camps, sports leagues, church, etc. Know their child protection policies. For example, an adult will never be alone with a child, and background checks are conducted on all employees and volunteers.
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Body Talk
Teach your child that the parts of their body that a bathing suit covers are private, and that no one is allowed to see or touch them there.
- Use proper words for private parts instead of using euphemisms or nicknames.
- Teach body autonomy. Their body is their own, and they have a right to tell us if they are uncomfortable with any kind of touch, including hugging or kissing family members. Culturally, this one can be difficult. You may be concerned that this may come across rude to relatives or friends. Let them know you are teaching your children that any bodily contact is their choice and should be respected.
- Teach kids the difference between good touch and bad touch. What’s okay and what is not when it comes to sleepovers, relationships, hanging out with friends, etc.?
Internet Safety
Be transparent and tell your kids you are monitoring and controlling their online activity in order to keep them safe — not to invade their privacy. After all, the internet is an abuser’s playground.
- Monitoring apps or setting up parental controls is often not enough. Set up clear, unwavering boundaries around devices, like not charging them in kids’ rooms overnight. This prevents kids from having unlimited access without parental oversight.
- Teach kids not to share personal information via text, social media, or the internet.
- Be wary of identity theft, and the fact that abusers could be looking for where kids live.
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Speak Up
Talk to your kids often about child safety, even when they’re little. This is absolutely critical to keeping our kids safe.
- Establish trust and keep an open line of communication with our kids. This should be an ongoing dialogue, NOT just a one-time conversation.
- Let our kids know that if anything happens that makes them uncomfortable, they won’t be in trouble if they tell us. If your child does confide in you, try your best to stay calm and not have a huge reaction in front of him or her. Being appalled or angry may discourage kids from speaking up in the future.
- But if you find it difficult to remain calm, know that it is okay to walk away and take a breath. Just tell your child, “I need a minute to calm down.” We can never take back what we said or did.
- Teach our kids that THEIR VOICE MATTERS. It’s okay for them to agree and disagree (respectfully). Normalize that kind of discourse in your home, and help your kids understand that speaking up is part of any healthy relationship.
- Trust your gut, and encourage your kids to trust theirs too. If something just doesn’t feel right, SAY SOMETHING. Agencies would rather you make a report and be wrong about it than remain silent when a child was not in a safe situation.
- Historically many cultures do not talk about child abuse. Accusations can often be met with incredulity or disbelief. Normalize speaking out about child safety in our households.
Tricky People vs. Stranger Danger
When I was a child, I was often told the phrase “stranger danger,” which taught us to avoid people we didn’t know. It implied that child abuse was something that only happened with strangers. Now, however, experts say that the opposite is also true. In fact, individuals we need to be the most vigilant about are actually the people closest to us — in our neighborhoods, communities, and even our own homes.
- At all ages, identify “safe people.” Who are the top five people our children would go to if they had a bad day or needed to talk? The answer tells us who has a lot of influence in our kids’ lives. You may not know these people and, as parents, we may NOT even be on this list. Our kids need to know that is okay, and that we encourage them to trust and communicate with these individuals.
- It’s not just about stranger danger, it’s also about guarding kids from tricky people and grooming. Grooming involves building trust with BOTH kids and parents. These abusers make kids feel special and give them dedicated attention or gifts. They can get the parents to like them so much, that parents allow their kids to be alone with them. It can happen anywhere with people you would least suspect.
- Explain the difference between a surprise and a secret. It’s one thing not to tell dad about the surprise birthday present planned for him; it’s entirely different to keep secrets about something that made your child feel uncomfortable or scared. Teach your children to come to talk to you when someone says not to tell parents or the police.
Warning Signs
Children often come up with excuses for new injuries, or develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to keep abuse bottled up. Be on the lookout for these signs.
- Watch out for bruises where you would not normally see bruises on children.
- Watch out for changes in behavior, i.e., a normally outgoing child becoming reserved, or vice versa.
- Be aware of gaslighting when discussing child abuse. Your child may be told that he or she is being overly dramatic, overly sensitive, or imagining things. Do not let that discourage him or her from taking the situation seriously and reporting to someone who will listen and help. The same applies to you.
The more we talk about child abuse prevention, the safer our kids will be. These practices will help our youth become adults who foster healthy relationships for a lifetime. For more information, read this guide on how to recognize and report child abuse in Texas.
